Dear Kids, On the Days I Fail…
Dear kids,
Sometimes I wake up in the morning, and I see that you’ve grown over night. Your face is more defined, your eyes look older, or you remember to brush your teeth without me nagging you.
A part of me is excited and in awe; I know you have so much ahead of you. Another part is scared because time is racing, and I can’t slow it down. I’m afraid I haven’t always been awake and noticing, and that somehow I’ve slept through the magic of your growing.
I wonder: Have I enjoyed you enough? Have I given you what you needed? Is your heart still whole? Is your spirit unbroken?
A confession for you.
I’m not always as good as I want to be at being your mom. I want to be great; and sometimes I am, but sometimes I’m not.
Every day, I make mistakes.
Sometimes I snap when I should be sensitive.
Sometimes I lecture and give chores when what you needed was a hug.
Sometimes I mistake your pain for complaining or your sad heart for a bad attitude.
Sometimes I completely and utterly miss it. I know that I do. I watch myself miss it, and later I grieve that I didn’t respond differently.
Related: How to Go From Angry Mother to Happy Mom: With 5 Simple Hair Ties {Printable}
This is when I’m failing as a parent.
I miss it when I’m tired, and you get my leftovers at the end of a long day. I wish that you didn’t, but sometimes you do.
I miss it when I’m scared. I’m scared of big things and little things. I really thought adults had it all figured out, but I am one now, and it turns out we don’t. Sometimes fear snatches my heart and I can’t seem to think of anything else. I forget to relax and to enjoy you. I forget to smile and to laugh. I’m working on that.
I miss it when I’m lost. I’m struggling with my own demons, and it has nothing to do with you. Sometimes it’s anxiety or it’s depression, but it’s never, ever your fault. I will keep striving for wholeness so that when you reach those same obstacles, I can help you get back to whole.
Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get a free cheat sheet of 75 positive things to say to your child that will make them feel loved.
But here’s what I need you to know.
It’s easy to hang on to the negative things and forget all the positive, but I want to set the record straight.
When I look at you, I am SO. PROUD. When I look at you, I see good. I see someone who is mighty. I wonder how I have been trusted with such a treasure. Your heart is pure and soft. You are gentle and kind; you are vivacious and fierce.
I am forever your biggest cheerleader and your greatest fan.
Please keep helping me to see you and to know you. Keep telling me when I hurt your feelings. Keep sharing with me your fears and your insecurities, and we will figure it out together.
I’m okay with making mistakes, but I’m never okay with losing your heart. Your heart is what matters most to me.
Related: How to Connect With Your Child: The Magic of the 5:1 Ratio {Printable}
This is what I hope for you.
I hope that my weakness teaches you something. I hope that when you come upon your own brokenness, tiredness, fear, and confusion, that you will be okay with it.
I pray that your imperfections won’t scare you as they have me. I pray that you won’t run from them, but that you’ll wrestle with them and you will keep showing up, saying sorry, and trying again.
We don’t always get it right, and that’s okay.
We are all professional mistake-makers, and you will make lots and lots of mistakes. You will make countless amounts of mistakes, just like I have, but not one could darken the light I see when I look at you. You are my treasure, you are my reason.
Even though life is racing by, sometimes we have a moment. Sometimes we can reach out, grab time, and hold it. The world stops, all is quiet, and we really see each other. In this moment when I glimpse the person you are and who you’re becoming, all I can think is…
Wow.
On this morning, where it seems you’ve grown overnight, I want to tell you that you are wonderful. You amaze me everyday – and as I watch you, you inspire me. You inspire me to pull out the greatness that’s inside me. In this family we will make mistakes, but we will keep doing it together and we will keep holding each other other tight.
It turns out I’m never, ever, going to be perfect, but I am always and forever yours, and I’m always and forever on your team. That I can promise you.
Love,
Your mama
Get Your Free Cheat Sheet
Use this cheat sheet of positive things to say to your child to help you remember to show your unconditional love for your child – even when life is busy.
- Get the free cheat sheet. Join my weekly-ish newsletter and as a bonus, you’ll get the printable! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
- Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock† would be ideal.
- Hang your cheat sheet somewhere handy like the fridge. See the But First, Beware of This Gotcha section in this post for ideas on how to keep the reminder fresh and effective.
- Say a phrase to your child. A couple ideas for how to use the cheat sheet: You could set yourself a personal goal of a certain number of positive things to say to your child every day, or you could mark off each phrase as you use it and try to get through the whole list within a certain period of time.
Here’s a sneak peek of your printable cheat sheet:
Before you go, get my FREE cheat sheet: 75 Positive Phrases Every Child Needs to Hear
Your Turn
Can you relate to feeling like you’re failing as a parent? Share in a comment below.
What a lovely read. Every mom has felt that guilty pull, berating herself and wondering how she could’ve lost her temper or not been the mom she wanted to be. I truly believe it’s in accepting, acknowledging and apologizing for this that sets an even better example of what a parent can be.
You hit all the right points i could stop sobbing through the whole letter! Thank you I was feeling like a failure, I still am but ur letter made me realize Im doing the best I can and that Im not perfect! But full of love for my son!
Having adopted three little girls and becoming a mom overnight… and still after 13 months trying to figure this mom thing out…. I am in tears… reading your post…. you nailed it… and I will read this to my girls…. thank you for putting into words… my heart.
Wow! I feel utterly compelled to comment – What a lovely, heartwarming, uplifting read! It’s nailed exactly how I feel about my own precious daughter, I hope you don’t mind if I unashamedly plaguerise your heartfelt words as a gift to my darling girl!! Enjoy your travels! With love and warm wishes to you and your family, Jo, Bath, UK
This could not have come at a better time that today. As I was driving my children to their school today, I kept thinking that I am failing as a mom and a wife. It is funny how in my heart and in my head there are two different though processes going on. I know that I am a good mom and my kids adore my husband and I more than anything, but I still have the heavy feeling of failing in so many ways. I am not perfect, nor do I strive to be so. I strive to feel guilt-free. I strive to give the best of myself and not beat myself up for the things I do ‘wrong’ or don’t do. Rather, I should be concentrating on feeling greatful for all the positive things as well as negative experiences I have, for this is how I truly am whole. It takes both positive and negative to make a whole person. I just needed reminding today that I AM a good, no GREAT mama to my children. Thank you for sharing this letter.
WOW! This letter was awesome!I raised 3 children, went through a divorce when the oldest was 12 and the youngest was 6. I made mistakes. I was young when I was married (16) and young when I had my children. I had a lot of growing up to do. I married the man of my dreams and together we adopted 4 more children from the foster system. Everything I thought I knew and remembered how to do this. However, these children are different in the fact that they have seen what a lot of adults have not seen or experienced. They act out. They misbehave more than the average child. They are wonderful and resilient and beautiful and need even more love. Some days I screw that up too. I look at other parents and think they are all doing wonderful and great and it is only me who screws up. This letter was amazing! It made me realize maybe other parents screw up too. I have been trying to change, to figure this out. I have taken a gazillion classes, Just to learn what one of them is experiencing. Then they change. They acting out changes. It affects the whole family, so then I am back to square one. But I AM willing to keep learning, to keep improving and to always cheer them on, to love them and to be in their corner always. It’s my vows to them. It’s my promise to them. So thank you again for this letter. Thank you for seeing it is natural, it is acceptable. Learning to say I’m sorry to our kids is sometimes hard, but so important.
Beautiful!!!
Exact words for the way I feel. Beautiful read.. Thank you for sharing.
I’m in tears after reading this. I’m a single mom to two daughters and I struggle with anxiety…unfortunately it spills over to my children more often then I’d like it too (and I’m seeking help to combat this) . I just want to say thank you for this, maybe I’m not such a terrible mother after all.
So beautiful and true. Makes me cry, which I tend to do lot lately. That’s what happens when your heart is so full it has to open to make room for all the love you have for your children, which also makes it vulnerable when we aren’t “perfect”. I cry myself to sleep once in a while because I know I could’ve done better in the most important job I’ll ever have – raising human beings. You said it perfectly and thank you for sharing your vulnerability with other moms as this let’s us know that no mom is perfect but we are in it wholeheartedly!
Hi Jess
My name is Vijaya. I usually read a lot of parenting columns. But, what you wrote here just made me feel soo grateful to you in lot many ways.
You just gave perfect words to all the feelings within me that I feel for my precious little girl.
Simply superb!!
I love this! It’s such an intimate letter to our children. We put immense pressure on ourselves to be perfect, but we have to remind ourselves that they see us as perfect already.
Daddy’s feel the same.
This is soo true..You have defined the whole situation so nicely
Beautifull, exactly how im feeling rite now.
Still trying to be best mom to my three boys.
I just broke down while reading that… because that is EXACTLY how I feel. Thank you for sharing and helping me realize that I’m not alone in this battle of motherhood. I need to print this out and keep next to my bed and read every morning. Thank you.
Heartening! Jess, you have put the heart of every mom into words. And there could have been nothing better! Thanks for this.
brought tears to my eyes, because it seems as though my inner thoughts were revealed..
How heartwarming! This is something all moms should want to tell their children. Days may be hard, but staying positive and acknowledging you aren’t perfect will show your kids wonders when they know how much you love them. This self love and empowerment is exactly what we embody at Yourself Truly and what we want all women to feel.
So good, thank you! My 3 daughters are all grown and two of them are young mothers. I’m going to share this with them. I think rheres no way we can’t feel like we’re failing as parents because of the often overwhelming responsibility for a child’s life. Being imperfect is part of our human nature and your letter captures that so eloquently. I was in my late twenties, mother of two at the time, when I began chanting this mantra in my head as I tried to be present and prioritize what was important with a very ‘lived in’ house and two delightful little beings that needed attention: Do your best and leave the rest. I’m always touched when people like you are parents, your children will thrive as they grow up and as adults!
Beautiful. I am in awe of your exacting use of words to describe what it is to be a Mom. My daughters are young adults. If it is okay, I would like to borrow a few of your words and write them letters. It’s is so hard to be a parent even when they are older– I do love them with all of my heart. Thank you.
That really sums up being a mum what a brutally honest and real account of how many of us feel everyday lovely read thanks for sharing!
Beautiful! I cannot believe how pretty much every word resonated with my heart. Thank you for putting into words what is in my heart and mind most days.
I loved this! What a great reminder that ALL mothers need to hear! Now following you on Pinterest and pinning many more of your awesome blog articles to go along with this one!
I am currently struggling with guilt and fear of failing as a mom with my 11year old and 8 year old. Thank you for this blog. Prayers are appreciated ?
oh sweet heart. Obviously, you need one more toddler to keep attention on him/her. Very lovely story you wrote.
Great read. I can promise you that as a Dad I feel the same way. Incredibly proud of the effort that my wife makes to try and be everything a “modern” woman is expected to be. She does an amazing job, even though she constantly questions herself.
Wow… it’s like my heart wrote this for my own beautiful babies. Thank you for these words. I want to read them to my three kids every day to remind them that I am not perfect, but my love for them is so pure. Truly, I can’t put into words how close I feel to these words!
I am a mom of 3 32,29,and 18 . Our 18 year old passed away in 2015. I failed him in life and I am failing him now! I have failed my 29 year old son with lack of support with his job and now I am stuck with this feeling of just complete failure. I do what I can ,but it seems to never be enough. I hold back with suggestions or and kind of words ,because I don’t want to step on any toes :he is 29 but he will always be my big boy. I failed my 18 old I could not save his life and now my 29 year is struggling with his job and it kills me to see him teary eyed.
i love this!!!
Feeling tonight as if I’m failing my daughter..I googled and came across this great read! I needed this so much tonight!!
Thank you for this. I feel the heavyness of being a better parent every day. I worry every day that my kids will have to suffer through anxiety like me. This was a nice reminder that it’s important to remind our kids to embrace ourselves and not judge ourselves. Thank you
Thank you so much for this! It truly captures all I am feeling while watching my children grow. Everyday I have moments of failure but there are also some successes too. I pray each day that the successes “stick”.
Much needed
Wow. This captures everything I have ever felt or thought about my children. This is incredible. Thank you.
Jess,
My husband left me for a woman 20 years younger than me. He has no communication with our two children, Sammy who is 13 and my daughter Finnley who is just now 12. I have terrible abandonment issues. I am a nurse but I was mugged leaving a patient’s house. So that caused a traumatic brain injury and Complex PTSD. Before becoming an RN, I was a police Sergeant in Cincinnati. My ex husband only calls when he needs money, never about seeing our kids. I am so worried that I am not enough for them. I’m so worried that they will have abandonment issues. It all goes so fast. I love them so much but I feel that I am not enough. They are beautiful kids. My son Sammy has a heart of gold and is so good in math, Finnley is a little Warrior and is brilliant especially in science. I don’t understand why my exhusband who is a police officer in a small town can just walk away from our family. I found out about his girlfriend on Christmas Day of 2020. He is on to girlfriend number 2. I’m lost but I try so hard to be the best mom. Thank you for any advice you might have. Sin erely, Kelli
This letter is so perfect!
I ran across this on a Google search. On this night, I am feeling like the worst Mom in the world! This letter reminded me of how imperfect I am and that it is ok. I will read this to my children.
Thank you so much for these words.