How to Connect With Your Child and Repair Conflict: The Magic of the 5:1 Ratio
Yesterday, a library book ruined my day. My toddler’s, too.
We visit the library every single week, leaving with a stroller piled high. Picture books for my toddler, chapter books for my 8-year-old who reads one book a day, and sturdy board books for the baby when she gets sick of chewing on the ones we already own.
Even though we have 30-50 books coming in and out of our home every week, we’ve never lost one.
Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get a free cheat sheet of 75 positive phrases that will help you connect with your child.
Until Now
The book has been overdue for a few days, and I’ve been searching for it here and there with no luck.
Yesterday afternoon when we got home from the grocery store, I decided we’d find it once and for all.
I enlisted my toddler since her big sister was at school, and we tackled one room at a time. The kids’ bedroom, the playroom, the living room. Under the couch, under the beds, inside every dresser. On the bookshelf, in the car, and even in the freezer where the baby likes to hide her pacifiers.
Nowhere.
After every additional room we left empty-handed, my heart beat a little faster.
Did we really lose it? I’ve never lost a library book in my whole life. Don’t they charge like 50 bucks for a lost book? What’s the point of using the library for free when we have to pay for a book we don’t even get to keep?!
I was disappointed. Frustrated. Mad at myself.
But Guess Who I Lashed Out At
My sweet three-year-old Bailey followed me from room to room, searching just as hard as I did. Her fiercely positive attitude should have made me smile.
“Where can it be?” she asked as we’d enter a new room. “I bet we will find it in here.”
But instead, the longer we looked, the more my mood darkened.
About halfway through the hunt, I lashed out. “You know, if we don’t find this book, the library probably won’t let us borrow books anymore. They won’t trust us anymore.”
Bailey’s face paled, and the corners of her mouth pointed down. “Why?”
“Because we lost their book!”
We kept looking, and I kept storming.
A few minutes later, Bailey said, “Mommy, I feel sad.”
“What? Why?” I snapped.
“Because I love the library so much. I’m sad they won’t let us go there anymore.”
“Well,” I said. “Maybe you shouldn’t have lost their book then.”
Mother of the year, right here.
Here’s Why I’m Forgiving Myself
After a little time to cool down, I could see that I was mad at myself for not keeping closer track of the library book. But because Bailey happened to be nearby and was a convenient scapegoat, I heaped all my frustration on her. She’s been on this planet for three years, and I’m berating her for losing one library book out of probably 1,000 that have been through our home in the last year.
She’s my baby, and I did not treat her with kindness.
But here’s the deal.
Losing your cool doesn’t make you a bad parent. Parenting is hard, and everyone loses it every once in a while. We humans are perfectly imperfect, and keeping our emotions in check is something we’re particularly imperfect at.
Related: How to Be a Happy Mom: Science Says Do These 7 Things {Printable}
3 Musts After You Lose Your Cool
No matter how many articles you read about how to be a happy parent or how to stop losing your temper with your kids, you will encounter small frustrations and annoyances every day.
You can’t deal with those moments by denying that you feel frustrated or annoyed. Research shows that just makes it worse.
But here’s what you can and should do:
- Forgive yourself.
- Apologize to your child.
- Challenge yourself to five good acts.
The first two are important, but the third may be the most important of all.
And Here’s the Reason Why
Science shows that in happy adult relationships, you need a ratio of five positive interactions to every one negative interaction. If you have too few positive interactions to balance out the negative ones, you’ll end up with an unhappy, unhealthy relationship.
While this research focused on adults, every parent knows that in a parent-child relationship, negative interactions create distance between you and your child in the same way. But the good news is that the Magic 5:1 Ratio can help you close that distance with your little one, too.
In other words, after you’ve lost it with your child, make sure to get five positive interactions on the books as fast as possible.
Related: How to Go From Angry Mother to Happy Mom: With 5 Simple Hair Ties {Printable}
How to Connect With Your Child: The Magic of the 5:1 Ratio
To repair your relationship with your child after an outburst, you need five positive interactions to balance out the negative experience of losing your cool and reconnect.
For the next time you find yourself in this situation, I made a list of a few simple ways you can hit the Magic 5:1 Ratio. Below, you’ll find 20 quick ideas for how to connect with your child.
But unfortunately, when your brain is flooded with stress hormones in the moment, it’s incredibly difficult to think of something fun and sweet to do with your child so you can connect.
Which is why I created these Family Connection Cards, based on the science of what actually works when you need to connect with your child. These cards remove the mental burden of figuring out how to connect with your child so you can just focus on nurturing your bond with your child. At any point during your day, you can pick a card to get a quick and simple idea for connecting.
And in just 10 minutes a day, these powerful cards will make your child feel absolutely loved and stop the power struggles caused by disconnection.
20 Simple Ways to Hit the Magic 5:1 Ratio With Your Child
Aim for five of these positive experiences with your child after a tough moment, and you’ll be on the road to making your parent-child relationship stronger than ever.
After my library book tirade, I apologized to my toddler, then used this list to get to five positive interactions as fast as possible. And the rest of our day together? Happy and silly and everything a day with your toddler should be. All because of the Magic 5:1 Ratio.
But before we get to the list, I have one more extra special bonus tip just for you: If you ever lose a library book and the way you happen to transport books in and out of the library is by piling them up in your kid’s stroller, you might want to check that same stroller before you throw an adult-sized tantrum over a “lost” book. Lesson learned, universe. At least my library record is still squeaky clean.
- Say one of these 75 positive phrases for kids, even if it’s just “I love you.” (Don’t forget to grab your free printable of these phrases below!)
- Give your child a hug. Make sure it’s a good quality hug of six seconds or more. Here’s why. If your child isn’t used to you dishing out impromptu hugs, try a high-five instead and work up to hugs.
- Read a book together. Your child is never too old to be read to. For older kids, you may find it fun to take turns reading out loud from the same book.
- Leave a surprise note or drawing – a slip of paper in his school lunchbox, a Post-It note on the bathroom mirror, a card in the toy box, and so on. You can tell a joke, write down what you admire about him, or just say “I love you.”
- Say “yes” to the next question she asks. Within reason! If she asks for a pony, please don’t send me a bill for $10,000 because I told you to say “yes.”
- Look into his eyes and smile.
- Say, “I appreciate when you…”
- Tell a funny or cute story from when she was younger – or from when you were a child.
- Add a smiley face to his next meal. Here’s my favorite go-to for turning a bowl of oatmeal into a smile: banana slices for eyes, a raisin for the nose, and a semicircle of honey for the smile.
- Sit down and just play for a few minutes – no smartphones, no multitasking – follow her lead.
- Start a game of chase.
- Say one of these 16 miracle phrases to help you reconnect.
- Tell a joke. The cornier, the better.
- Go outside together – look for interesting bugs, play catch, or hop on your bikes for a quick ride around the block.
- Look through family photos together.
- Rough-house with your child – yes, even girls. Research shows this kind of play helps kids release fears and feel connected to their parents.
- Queue up his favorite song and have a dance party. Research shows that listening to music together creates healthy family bonds and builds positive memories.
- Grab that special coloring book† you keep for yourself, and invite your child to color with you.
- Take turns writing in a journal to each other. You write in the journal, then leave it on your child’s pillow, then she writes back and leaves it on your pillow. You can use any journal or get one specifically designed for this purpose, like this mommy and me journal for daughters and this journal for sons.
- Let your little one stay up a little bit later and play a board game or card game together. We’ve found that UNO is the perfect game for a wide range of ages. (Our toddler has been playing it since before she turned three. She doesn’t know the numbers, but she can tell you when they match in shape or color, and that’s really all you need!)
Related: The 5-Minute After School Routine That Will Make Your Family Stronger
Get Your Free Cheat Sheet: 75 Positive Words for Kids
After a negative interaction, you feel the distance between you and your child, but it’s not always easy to know how to close the gap with your child so you both feel loved and connected. Use this cheat sheet of positive things to say to your child to help you connect with your child after those tough moments.
- Get the free cheat sheet. Join my weekly-ish newsletter and as a bonus, you’ll get the printable! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
- Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal.
- Hang your cheat sheet somewhere handy like the fridge. See the But First, Beware of This Gotcha section in this post for ideas on how to keep the reminder fresh and effective.
- Say a phrase to your child. A couple ideas for how to use the cheat sheet: You could set yourself a personal goal of a certain number of positive things to say to your child every day, or you could mark off each phrase as you use it and try to get through the whole list within a certain period of time.
Here’s a sneak peek of your printable cheat sheet:
Before you go, get my FREE cheat sheet: 75 Positive Phrases Every Child Needs to Hear
Want More?
If you liked this list, you’ll love 10 Miracle Phrases to Help You Reconnect With Your Child.
Your Turn
How do you connect with your child after a tough moment? Share in a comment below!
I love this! I’ve been starting to remind myself of the potential of “re-do’s” when it comes to parenting, as well as allowing my children the opportunity to “re-do” something that turned negative. I love this idea of 5 good acts!
I love the honesty, thanks for sharing!
Yes, we all lose our cool once in awhile and it’s important to be reminded that when you do, that doesn’t make you a bad parent. Great article!
What fabulous tips these are! For more ideas on big-hearted connection, our website offers service projects (many can be done at home) and ideas for family volunteering. Both offer opportunities to do good for others while having big-hearted fun together as a family. Thanks also for the tip that apologies are important. Mistakes do happen, but it’s our connection that matters most.
Hi, I keep trying to download the 16 miracle phrases so I can print and it is not working. I have put my email in several times. Help
Hi Lylah, thank you for letting me know! You uncovered a little glitch in the system so I’ll fix that and message you with the printable right now. :-)
HI Kelly
I’m soon going to be home schooling my 8 yo daughter and awaiting the arrival of a little one in July. I think with a just born n 8 yo I need to exercise a lot of patience to keep myself sane. I do lose it some times but some how it makes me feel the first time around its like a trial and error. I’m sure I’m going paste 5:1 on my wall as a reminder. Lovely ideas at the right time! Thanks so much for sharing them!
I love the hair band idea and the 5:1 ratio, all the ideas you give to reconnect with your child. I started using them with my younger kids. I just wish there was a list for teenagers too because it so happens I tend to loose my cool with them as well but I doubt they will want to do much of anything on that list!
I’m 43 years old. I have raised 2 amazing daughters Lindsey 25 and Sidney 21. My 21 year old had my first granddaughter Londyn who is 13 mths. I don’t always have the best answers for Sidney on how to handle some of the stresses of being a new mom especially with a toddler and the tantrums. So, it’s so nice also very helpful to know you’re not a bad parent for getting frustrated. These articles and sharing your experiences has been such a blessing to have. Thank you for making this available. Love it!!!
I love this – it rings so true for kids of all ages. However if anyone has a list of ways to reconnect with moody teenagers whi usually only grunt rather than communicating, and who you’ve shouted at because they are still in bed at midday and haven’t out their clothes in the laundry basket after the 8th time of asking (I counted) I’d be really grateful!!
Thank you so much for the encouragement. My 5 children range in age from 24 to 10. As challenging as that is I know your wisdom will still help to repair and strengthen, even with the oldest! Thank you!
Great information!! So helpful!! I loved your other article about 5 min of cuddle time after school. That is such a great idea! I’m going to try it! :)
I’m glad I found your article. Was great to read it.
Thanks for sharing and the time you put in this.
Hi, is there a way I can print out your article without the advertisements and all? Like in the format of just your article?
I think it is so very brave of you to share the exact harsh words that you have told your little one. In the sea of “never-wrong” parenting gurus, this is a true pleasure.
Kelly I just found your website and I love it! I can relate to your ups and downs- we are all trying to take it one day at a time. My littlest guy got on the bus for in-person learning today for the first time. Man it hit me, for months, I couldn’t wait for some alone time and now I really miss his sweet little voice! I write about the same thing- connection and ways to find it. Balance is what I work toward daily- will this quest last forever??!!
Great post! I love your phrases for connecting positively with your child or grandchild, in my case! And thanks for sharing that even parenting experts can lose their temper occasionally. :-)