A puppy-shaped purse. A personal fan. A toy cat that meows like a real cat…because I guess having three cats in your house isn’t enough?
These are all things that my kids have seen while we were running errands in various stores, and they insisted they just had to own them.
What do I mean by “insisted”? The sales pitch typically starts with whining, progresses to pouting, and sometimes crescendoes with truly spectacular temper tantrums.
But thanks to one simple parenting trick, we no longer have to expend Herculean effort to escape a store without our child whining or begging for us to buy something.
What’s the Big Deal, Anyway?
This isn’t just a case of not wanting to listen to my kid whining. That’s part of it.
But a child’s ability to self-regulate – resist impulses, control emotions, and so on – is actually a bigger predictor of success in school than the child’s IQ. Plus, children who can control their impulses turn into adults who are healthier and have greater financial stability.
By teaching my child how to keep her impulses in check, I’m setting her up for a life of success and immeasurable wealth, which I’m sure she’ll use to put me in the bestest, poshest old person’s home that money can buy.
Photo by Steven Depolo3 Easy Steps to Escape a Store With No Whining
When one of our kids asks for something at a store, this is our surefire process to avoid a meltdown:
- Acknowledge the desire. This could be as simple as saying, “Yeah, that Crazy Cat Lady action figure is really cool.” When I forget this step, the whole solution just doesn’t work as well. (And hey, I have absolutely zero idea what I’d do with these egg holders I always see in Anthropologie, but my desire to own them has infiltrated every fiber of my soul. So I really do get it, kiddo.)
- Ask this question. “Do you want me to add it to your wish list?” This transforms the focus of the moment from wanting something RIGHT NOW to evaluating whether it’s something on par with the things on her birthday and Christmas wish list.
- Honor the answer. If she says yes, I pull out my phone, open the Evernote app that I never leave home without, and add that thing to her running wish list. No matter how ridiculous that thing may be. Bacon band-aids? Of course! Who wouldn’t want those?
And that’s it!
Not only do we head off whining at the pass, we have a ready-made wish list when grandparents need gift ideas.
One Important Rule for Parents
Maybe this goes without saying, but an important part of this equation is: Don’t buy toys when your kid asks for them.
Sure, it’s fun to see that look of joy on their grubby little face, but you’re actually confusing the heck out of your kid. They’ll continue asking for stuff because that one time, they asked and you got it for them. They won’t understand why this time you’re being such a meanie, so they’ll ramp up their efforts to convince you.
If you really want to surprise your kid, do it in a day or two. Let the moment of impulse pass – for your kid and you.
Photo by Nadia HatoumBut That’s Not the Best Part
Every month or two, we review the list with the kids. They see the toys they wanted on a whim right alongside their biggest desires like a new bike or a family trip to the beach. It’s the perfect opportunity for us to talk about how if you spend all your money on little stuff, you won’t be able to save enough for your big goals like vacations.
In almost every case, the kids change their minds and say they don’t want the impulse toys on their wish list anymore.
Which is awesome.
Because we don’t end up spending money on junky toys that will just end up as clutter in our kids’ rooms, and our kids learn the important life skill of impulse control.
A Disclaimer
In full disclosure, this trick doesn’t prevent begging every single time. But about 95 percent of the time, it works like a charm.
For the deepest of desires (those adorable egg trays WILL be mine!), you may have to use another parenting tip from your toolbox.
Here are a few tricks that work well for us:
- 7 Ways to Get Your Kid to Stop Whining
- How to Deal With Tantrums Over Toys at the Store
- Warning: Read This Before You Take Your Kids Shopping
Download my FREE cheat sheet as a bonus for joining my newsletter: 16 Miracle Phrases to Help You Reconnect With Your Child
Your Turn
What’s your best trick for escaping the store with no whining? Share your tip in a comment below!
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This is great! I love the ideas that you have here and plan to start using the list. It validates her want but also teaches self-control and curbs the need for instant gratification. Love it!
Love this idea! I do try to acknowledge my kids’ wishes, but writing them down on the spot is genius!
what do you do if when you ask “do you want to put t on your wish list?” she/he says no, I want it now.
Good ideas. :)
Yeah, that’s what would happen with my son. He would say no, he doesn’t want it on the list because birthday/Christmas is “sooo far away and that’s too long to wait for it because I want it now!” (And this would be even if bday/Xmas is 1 week away). Then round and round we go. I don’t understand how she has a 95% success rate with this.
For me i would simply say i am NOT buying it today. But if it is important to him/her we can add it to the wish list.
We have done variation of this, take a picture of the item with the price. Usually when Christmas (also my daughters bday 1 wk before) is approaching and everything is a want-right-now because of all the many commercials tapping into kids thoughts of “Yes, I do love and want all 20 different kinds of stuffed animal I can store stuff in”. We try to minimize tv or only do netflix and dvd’s this time of year specifically for this reason. And they are thinking about things they would like to have because we have asked them to make a list.… Read more »
i do this all the time with my kids. if i am willing to buy them something i let them know and their set price range. otherwise they will point it out and say i would like that someday or can i have that for my birthday? or they buy it with their own money
What about saying, “Did you bring your money?” I would be worried about creating entitlement teaching them that every time they want something it goes on a magical list of things other people will get them.
My son is just coming up to 3 and thankfully he hasn’t started asking for things yet. I really like how this strategies teaches that good this comes to those that wait. I’d want to be careful that the wishlist remains viewed just as that, and not as a list of expectations!
This is a great idea. I’m going to try it with my daughter next time I’m in a store.
I told my kids before we ever got to the store whether or not they were going to be able to buy something and what the budget was going to be. And then I stuck to it. My kids didn’t whine. They saw me leave a store without buying anything that wasn’t on the list, too. In other words, practice what you preach, parents. If there was something that really interested one of the kids, I told them to remember it when their birthdays or Christmas came around, or, if they were earning (not being given, but working for) allowance,… Read more »
What a great post, and I love how you tied it back to impulse control and money lessons for younger kids.
I would. tell the kids if today is a “looking day” or a “buying day” before we went into the store. Today is the “buying day”. Everyone can choose one book to buy or hot wheel car, game or whatever. Or, “We are going to buy something for …….. to surprise ….!” What would Grandma really like a lot?” Today is a looking day. Do you want to look at toys? I need help finding Tide, toilet paper, & Dawn. Who can help me find Dawn? Etc. It becomes a treasure hunt to shop instead of a battle. It worked… Read more »
This is brilliant! No whining, Christmas list, and life skills all in one simple hack.
This is a great strategy! I have often talked about this with them but never considered taking the extra step of writing it done then and there.
Kelly, omg, I do exactly this and have written an article about it, too (in the process of editing). Acknowlegde and validate desires, ask to put their Eid wish list and then literally have a list on my Evernote App. I learnt it from dr Laura Markham’s peaceful parenting book; she suggested a birthday list, if I remember correctly, and adapted it for our family. Thank you for sharing. And with love and well wishes to you and yours <3
This trick really does work! When this happens with my children, I ask them if they want me to add this to their birthday or Christmas list (whichever one is closer). They always say yes, so I pull out my phone and actually take a picture of them holding it (sometimes I show it to them). I say, “Ok, it’s on your list!” in a very excited way. It works! Sometimes they’re a little sad that they don’t get it right away, but they’re not whining about it. I do like the idea of going back to revisit the item… Read more »
Great tips I love them!! I usually will tell my kids they can have one thing or nothing depending on my funds ! Also I try my best to leave the kids with dad whenever possible!
I agree that the first step is important with this strategy. My shortcut after that is to take a picture of the item my daughter is asking for then review them after a week or two, then again…she’ll realize for herself about the value of what she wants and delete the picture herself.
Back in the check writing days, I carried a “check book” for each of my kids. We recorded their allowance and gift money in the register. When we were out and they asked to me to buy something, I reminded them they could spend their own money. I cut down on 90% of the asking. I think I got the idea from someone on Focus on the Family.
We do this too! After a while my kids automatically started saying they were putting this and this toy on their list. You took it another step by having a physical list and discussing the list. I love that! Ours is mental and 75%of the items are forgotten by the time a birthday or Christmas rolls around, which works with us because that wish list is neverending!
Hi Kelly, I love this advice, especially the tip about the Wish List, so clever! I’m definitely going to use that.