Parenting

The Best 10-Minute Fix to Spending Quality Time With Kids

Inside: Spending time with kids doesn’t have to be One More Thing on your list. Here’s the secret to fitting in quality time with kids in just 10 minutes a day.

Some days, it feels like I spend every waking second with my kids.

From the time they wake up in the morning until we put them to bed, we’re together. Whether they’re screeching like pterodactyls while I’m on an important phone call, seeking me out for every little sibling-inflicted injustice, or asking for food every 13 minutes, the constant barrage is well, constant.

Meanwhile, I have my own list of stuff I need to get done. Dishes, laundry, making meals (which means more dishes). Work, conference calls, email. Bills, budgeting, birthday planning. Rinse and repeat, all day every day.

And this isn’t unique to me. Research shows that in today’s world, we parents are spending more time than ever with our kids:

“The amount of time mothers and fathers spend in child care has been climbing since the 1970s. Fathers’ time has nearly tripled from 2.6 hours a week spent with kids in 1965 to 7.2 in 2010. Mothers’ time with children rose from 10.5 hours a week in 1965 to 13.7 in 2010.” – The Washington Post

We’re spending tons more time with our kids, but it’s not like our responsibilities as parents are decreasing to balance that out. If anything, our plates are fuller than they’ve ever been.

And so when one of my kids comes up to me and asks me to play pretend or read them a book or join a quick card game, my knee-jerk reaction is typically some variation of this: “Sorry honey, I don’t have time.”

When you're spending time with kids constantly, how do you fit in quality time?

But Here’s the Problem

With a finite number of hours in the day and an overflowing to-do list, I’m forever trying to get the maximum number of things knocked off my list in the limited time I have.

While I’m doing the dishes, I’m thinking through whether we have enough clean laundry to last another day. While I’m eating lunch, I’m making a list of phone calls to make after I’m done. While I’m sorting through the clutter that’s accumulated on my kitchen counter and multiplied like Gremlins, I’m making a mental grocery list.

So when one of my kids interrupted that go-go-go inertia and asked me to spend a few minutes of quality time with them, I felt absolutely justified in saying no. We spend so much time together already. Isn’t that enough?

But the truth is that in those moments, I’ve been missing the bigger picture.

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4 Powerful Questions That Will Help Your Child Thrive Right Now

Inside: These are the best 4 questions to ask your child every day. Ask your kids these questions to get them excited to open up—and to teach an important lesson.

Right now, my four kids are home all day long, while my husband and I are working from home.

But because we aren’t with the kids during all their waking hours, by the end of the day we’re anxious to reconnect with our kids and find out how their day went.

Plus, it would be nice to get some reassurance that they haven’t spent every spare minute gorging themselves on an all-you-can-see buffet of unlimited screen time.

And yet when you sit down at the family dinner table after a busy day, asking your child “How was your day?” is like a dead end. You’ll hear “fine” or “good” or get a half-hearted shrug, and that will be the end of that.

During the school year, you can try asking questions about specific subjects, but questions like that don’t exactly spark a light in your child’s eyes. And during the summer or a school break, you can’t even use the structure of the school day as a starting point.

Recently, we started a family ritual that solves that problem: We ask our kids four quick questions every day.

This simple ritual takes just 10 minutes at the dinner table, and it actually gets our kids excited to talk about what they did that day. Plus, it reinforces for our kids the essential ingredients you need every day to protect your wellbeing and thrive, even during tough times.

And possibly the biggest win of all: This one daily ritual has inspired our kids to help out more around the house with chores, clean up after themselves, and pitch in to take care of their younger siblings.

The Most Powerful 4 Questions to Ask Your Child Every Day

The Most Powerful 4 Questions to Ask Your Child Every Day

I mentioned our 4-question ritual to a few friends and neighbors, and they’ve since adopted it into their own families. Then a few of them asked if I could type up a quick explanation so they could send it to their friends. And so below, you’ll find everything you need to know in order to start this daily ritual with your own family.

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How to Work From Home With Kids—Without Losing It

Inside: Here are the best science-backed strategies for working from home with kids so that you can keep your kids busy + happy while you get your work done.

In theory, working from home should be less stressful than commuting to the office every day.

Because you can wear your pajamas, co-workers won’t drop into your office for a “quick chat” right at the moment when you’re finally in the flow of getting things done, and nobody needs to know if you happen to polish off your whole Girl Scout cookie stash from the freezer.

But when you add kids into your working from home equation, it’s easy to feel like you’re not getting any real work done.

Kids will interrupt you for the most trivial of reasons (Mommy! My yogurt is too lumpy!), they might get into mischief if left to their own devices for too long (lock up your Sharpies!), and sticking them in front of a screen all day just backfires. Because then you have to deal with the “screen time zombie effect” later on when they’re finally off screens – which depending on the kid means they’ll be quick to anger, highly irritable, or moody and unmotivated.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, download a free cheat sheet of the best advice for how to work from home with kids, backed by research.

What You Need to Know About Working From Home With Kids

I’ve been working from home with kids in tow for more than 12 years now.

My kids range in age from 12 to 2, and I’ve learned the hard way what works – and what doesn’t. Throughout that time, I’ve studied the best science-backed strategies for being productive while working remotely. And I teach a class to hundreds of remote workers every year about how to actually get stuff done when you’re working from home.

But even after all that and even though my kids’ behavior has always been developmentally appropriate for a child in that situation, at times I’ve still gotten so frustrated at the kid-related interruptions and disruptions to my productivity that I’ve had to lock myself in my closet and scream into a pillow.

So if you’ve come to this post because you’re wondering, “Can you work from home and look after a child at the same time?” the honest answer is: Not exactly. But hang tight because all hope is not lost!

Let Me Explain

The human brain is not designed to do two things at once, as much as we’d like to pretend otherwise. And looking after a child and doing your job are definitely two different tasks.

Both your child and your work will demand your full attention:

So what in the world are you supposed to do if you need to work from home with children in tow?

While you can’t do two things at once, you can use a handful of simple science-backed strategies that will help you get your work done without resorting to 8 hours of zombie-making screen time for your kids.

What to do when working from home with kids doesn't go how you'd hoped

Working From Home With Kids? The Best Advice That Actually Works

Below, I’ve compiled all the best strategies for how to work from home with kids in tow. These are the exact same strategies I teach my students in my time management course for remote workers, many of whom are work-from-home parents, so that they can squeeze maximum results out of limited work time.

This is your one-stop shop for everything you need to know about working from home without childcare while still maintaining your sanity. And after the list, you can download a free cheat sheet of all the strategies covered in this post.

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8 Quick + Powerful Videos That Will Make You an Even Better Parent

Inside: Here are the best, most inspirational positive parenting videos that will make you a better parent, especially on the days when you lose your cool.

Every parent I know would love to stay calm, cool, and collected no matter what their kid throws at them.

But when your toddler unspools a roll of toilet paper into the toilet bowl and flushes, and overflowing musty wastewater all over your hardwood floors?

It’s human nature. Your emotions are bound to get the better of you. While you clean up the mess, you might huff, stomp, or raise your voice in frustration.

So much for being a calm and loving parent no matter what.

The Secret to Being a Calm Parent Isn’t What You Think

I used to think that if I could just figure out the secret for becoming a “zen mama,” positive parenting would come naturally to me every moment of the day.

But then I had an epiphany that changed my whole outlook on positive parenting.

Here’s the important thing I realized: Many people want to have a happy life. But happiness isn’t something you achieve one day and check off your list.

Being a calm parent is the same way. It’s not something you check off your list and never have to think of again. It’s a temporary state.

In other words, nobody can be perfectly happy all the time, just like nobody can be a perfectly calm parent all the time.

When you're struggling to be a calm parent, try these positive parenting videos

Here’s What You Can Do: Quick Positive Parenting Videos

In order to exist in that calm parenting mode as much as possible, we need to continually inspire ourselves to be better, more chill parents.

But if we’re being honest with ourselves?

As busy parents, we don’t always have the time or mental…freshness to read long think-pieces about parenting in the New York Times.

Sure, we need to keep reminding ourselves of our positive parenting goals, but how are we supposed to focus long enough to read a parenting book or inspirational article?

My favorite quick fix is to watch one of a few powerful positive parenting videos I’ve curated over the years.

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How to Make Your Child Feel Absolutely Loved: 75 Positive Words for Kids

Inside: Get a free printable list of the most powerful positive words for kids, plus the pitfalls to avoid when it comes to positive things to say to your child.

After I tuck my kids into bed every night, I collapse on the couch, close my eyes, and sigh.

Unfortunately, with four kids, I get about 2.7 seconds of peace before one of them asks for another drink of water, needs an extra hug, or remembers a month-long school project that’s due tomorrow.

But after a few turns on the bedtime merry-go-round, I can finally sink back into the couch.

That’s when the replay of our day starts in my head. It’s like a 10x sped-up video, but every time my mouth opens to say something to my kids, the video slows down so I can hear myself.

“Put your shoes away.”
“Your room is a mess!”
“Stop bugging your sister.”
“You haven’t brushed your teeth yet?”

My own personal highlight reel of nagging and negativity, directed at the people I love most in the world.

The weight of my words crushes my chest, and my mind scrambles to remember: when did I say something loving, something sweet, anything positive?

Was I so focused on treading water in a neverending sea of parental to-dos – getting snacks, folding laundry, mediating sibling squabbles – that I forgot to tell my children how much I love them?

My kids deserve better. They deserve to hear every single day that no matter what road bumps we hit, I feel lucky to be on this lifelong road trip with them.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, download a free cheat sheet of the 75 most powerful positive words for kids, plus three important pitfalls to avoid when it comes to positive things to say to your child.

But Here’s the Problem

It’s heartbreaking to think that your child’s last thought after you tuck them in at night and before they fall asleep may be: Is Mommy mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Does Daddy still love me?

What’s more, lack of connection with your child also leads to more unnecessary power struggles and less cooperation from your child when you ask them to clean their toys up, to help empty the dishwasher, or to stop chewing their food like a cow with a megaphone.

But as parents in today’s world, we have a lot on our plates. Because of that, it’s easy to get so wrapped up in the daily struggles of parenting that you forget to stop and tell your child how much you love them.

When you have too much to do and too little time to do it, you’re in survival mode not nurturing mode. And those positive sayings for kids like “You’re important to me” and “I love you to the moon and back” that our children crave from us? They go unsaid.

What happens when positive words for kids go unsaid

How Important Is It to Share Positive Words for Kids?

Recently, I came across this quote from a doctor and author who specializes in childhood development and trauma:

“Love felt by the parent does not automatically translate into love experienced by the child.” – Gabor Maté

In other words, those positive messages for kids don’t work when you just think them to yourself after your kids are tucked into bed. You need to actually say them out loud.

I realized it was time for a change.

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Why Your Kids Leave Toys Everywhere + How to Fix It With Toy Rotation

Inside: Had enough of toy clutter? Here’s the ultimate step-by-step guide to starting a toy rotation that will make your kids happier + support healthy development.

Every afternoon, my living room floor used to look like someone dumped a toy store into a blender and pressed “GO” with the top off.

  • LEGOs and Lincoln Logs
  • A tea set and a baking set
  • Superhero capes and masks
  • Toy cars and fire trucks
  • Stuffed animals and dolls
  • So many doll clothes

As I walked through my house and saw that the toy clutter had infiltrated not only the living room but also the dining room, the kids’ bedrooms, and every nook and cranny possible, my chest felt tight.

Why can’t they put things away when they’re done playing?

Why do they have to spread the mess around the whole house?

And why can’t Mary Poppins and her clean-up magic be a real thing?

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, download a FREE printable toy rotation kit including a step-by-step guide, toy inventory log, and a toy organization cheat sheet.

An Unfortunate Side Effect of Toy Clutter

With a baby on my hip, I’d bend over and pick up a couple toys. Squatting while holding a 25-pound butterball turkey isn’t a pleasant sensation, so seeing the toy clutter brought on frustration.

No kids in sight, but every single toy sure was. I tried to take a deep breath, but my nostrils stayed flared and I forgot to exhale.

“This house is a disaster!” I yelled to the kids upstairs. “It’s time to clean up!”

A couple heads peeked around the corner on the stair landing.

“C’mon down here now. I didn’t make this mess, so I shouldn’t have to clean it up.”

They loped down the stairs, their heads hung. They knew what was coming because at one point, it was happening nearly every day.

A full-fledged mom tantrum brought on by the sight of toys everywhere.

How to cope with never-ending toy clutter

Something Had to Change

I wasn’t proud of how I lost my cool over my kids’ toy clutter.

Every time, my toy-clutter-induced tantrums would create a fracture in my relationship with my kids. And if I didn’t stop what I was doing to mend the fracture and repair the relationship, the disconnection would lead to less cooperation from my kids and more power struggles the rest of the day.

We couldn’t continue like that. I knew I needed to make a change.

It had to be possible for my kids to learn to pick up their toys after they were done – without me nagging them or losing my temper.

But everything I tried failed. And I didn’t realize until after my failures that I was missing the big picture.

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