Here’s a Quick Way to Connect With Your Kids While You’re Away
I have joint custody of my 7-year-old. This means she lives with us every other week—and the other weeks, she lives with her dad and stepmom.
The weeks when she’s not with us are never easy for anyone in our family, but she struggles most of all. In the days before the transition between homes, she becomes so anxious that she has trouble sleeping and eating.
To make it easier on her, we started a tradition of me and her little sister Bailey visiting her at school for lunch during those other weeks. We started with one lunch date every other week, but midway through this last school year she asked me to come every day. That wasn’t possible every week, but I tried my darnedest to make it happen.
Because those daily lunch dates helped all three of us cope with being apart for a week at a time.
But Here’s the Problem
Summer happened.
Because I work from home, I offered to keep my oldest daughter at home with me and Bailey (and now her newborn sister Charlie) during the day on those other weeks this summer. Her dad and stepmom declined. Instead, they arranged for her to spend her time in child care and a couple summer camps.
During those other weeks, my daughter hasn’t been able to see me or her sisters.
Every night during those weeks, Bailey cries out for her sister in her sleep. Every morning, the first thing she says after waking up is a one-word question: Her sister’s name.
I shake my head and say, “No. We can’t see her today.”
My Eureka Moment
I know I’m not alone.
Parents who deal with joint custody. Parents who travel frequently for work, especially to different time zones. Military parents. Parents taking their first vacation without the kids. Or even just parents struggling while their kids are away at summer camp, their grandparents’ house, or their first overnight sleepover.
We miss our kids terribly.
But here’s the kicker—we’re grown adults. We’ve had 20, 30, 40 years to learn how to cope with these big emotions.
Our kids? Not so much.
And in a lot of these situations, you can’t always pick up a phone and call your kid.
Before summer hit, I researched advice for what to do when you’re missing your kids.
I found a few useful tidbits, but definitely no silver bullet.
And then I stumbled on this scientifically proven tip for dealing with emotional stress: write your worries down.
Journaling about stressful events helps you cope by calming you down.
But Would It Work?
My child explained the hardest time away from me is when she’s trying to fall asleep at night. Sometimes, she cries herself to sleep.
So I made a DIY journal using a cereal box for the cover and plain paper inside—just enough paper to last one week—and stapled it together like a book.
That way, the journal is small enough to fit under her pillow. And if her DIY diary gets lost in the shuffle between houses? No worries—we’ll just make another one.
At bedtime, she pulls out her journal and writes down what’s on her mind.
The first Monday after she started journaling, I wasn’t sure what to expect when she came back home.
But after we hugged, she rummaged in her backpack and quietly handed over her journal.
I flipped through it while she watched me.
Most nights, she wrote a simple “I miss you, Mommy.” Other nights, she drew a picture of a sad face. A couple nights, the sad face had tears running down the cheeks.
I got to the end of the notebook, and my throat felt tight.
I looked up at her. “Did it help to write down how you were feeling?”
She nodded, her face serious.
“Can I write you back in this?” I asked.
Her face relaxed, just a little. She nodded again.
How to Stay Connected to Your Kids—From Separation Anxiety to Business Travel
This parenting trick will help your child feel connected and less stressed when you’re away from each other. Whether your child experiences separation anxiety when you leave for a date night or struggles when you’re away for business travel, your child will feel better and less anxious after getting his worries down on paper.
Here are a few helpful tips to keep in mind:
- Any notebook will do. I used plain white paper, a cereal box, and staples to make a DIY notebook. Ready-made notebooks† would work great, too. (Although the Tom Riddle diary from Harry Potter might be a little creepy—I’d skip that one.)
- This works for pre-writers. If your child can’t write independently yet, encourage him to draw pictures to represent his feelings and thoughts. As another option, your child can use an app like Super Notes to record what he’s feeling anxious about.
- Take it one step further. Get two journals for when you’re away from your kid—one for your kid to write in, and one for you to write notes to your kid while you’re away.
- Give your kid a heads up. In situations of shared custody, make sure your child understands that it’s possible her other parent could find the journal and read it—with or without asking her first. If she’s uncomfortable with the idea of that, encourage her to talk to her other parent and ask for privacy.
- This alternative might work better. If the thought of writing about his feelings is too overwhelming to your child, another option is for you to write daily notes your child can open when you’re away. I did this when I was traveling one week and wouldn’t be able to visit my daughter for lunch at school. I wrote one note for every day I’d be gone, labeled the envelopes with the days of the week, and gave the whole stack to my daughter to keep in her desk at school. That way, she could open one note each day at lunch. The notes were nothing special—I just counted down the days until we’d see each other and included corny kid-friendly jokes. But the notes let her know I was thinking of her every day.
- This works when you’re together. When you and your child are back together, consider writing responses to her journal entries. This helps her feel heard and validates her emotions. If you enjoy this back-and-forth process, you can also try a mommy-and-me journal (or daddy-and-me) for the times when you are together.
Before you go, get my FREE cheat sheet: 75 Positive Phrases Every Child Needs to Hear
Your Turn
How do you help your child cope with missing you? Share your tip in a comment below!
Kelly, this is wonderful! My girls have lost two sets of stepsiblings to their dad’s subsequent divorces. Fortunately, they’re twins and have each other, but this is all so hard for them. I love this idea of having a journal. My own version was strips of construction paper on which I wrote all the things I missed when the girls are away, to turn into a paper chain to celebrate their homecoming.
I am so happy to be reading your blog and I hope you continue it! I lost custody of my son 3 months ago and since then it has been hell on earth for us. It has been over three weeks since I have seen him because of the wonderful family court system. What happened to us is book worthy. My son also happens to be 7. I am crushed and so is he, but I am staying strong. Your experiences are right in line with mine. This is such an uncommon situation I have found and it is very lonely. I am glad to hear that I am not alone. Thank you.
Kelly, I sort of teared up reading this. You’re right—it’s always the kids who suffer the most because they’re still learning how to deal with their emotions. I have a few siblings who have joint custody with their former spouses, and it can be tough juggling all of that. Thankfully they seem to have a mature agreement and the kids are generally okay. I think writing it out is such a great technique for your daughter. Maybe even the younger one too once she’s older!
That’s really hard, and something I’d never thought about. Thanks for sharing, I will try to be more compassionate now that I am aware. One of those things that never came up, but is now blatantly obvious. Your daughters sound like great girls, love that they are such good buddies!
I am so glad I found your page. I too live in Austin and am so moved by some of your posts. Thank you for this!
Glad I stumbled across your page. I’m struggling with this every other week too, with TWO children, ages 7 and 4. My daughter (7) is in 2nd grade so I am going to start visiting her at lunch and see how that goes. My son isn’t in a place I can visit him, so I still have to miss him every other week, at least until he starts Kindergarten next school year and I can visit them both.
Thanks so much for sharing. I’m heading into joint shared custody of my not quite 2 year old. She can’t write or even tell me with words how she’s handling the change. I’m hurting and scared. I’m also blogging about it at resilientmamablog.wordpress.com but right now I don’t feel very resilient. Still, it helps to read about other moms struggling even when they have a husband and other kids.
Thank you Kelly for the beautiful article. It helps to know I am not alone. I am a divorced father with 2 small kids (a 3 year old girl named Gabby and a 7 year old named Sebastian). I have them 3 overnights per week. Its a 40/60 sharing. I miss them soooo much when they are not with me. I get into a major depressive moods at time. It’s been a year and half since the divorce and I still can’t get over them. I never will. I hate being a “part time dad” . I am scornful. I am bitter. I am so sad.
I so appreciate the suggestions you’ve shared here. I’ll try to incorporate some into my life.
My daughter is 14, and had lived with me exclusively up until last year before school started up again.
Because I was a financial idiot, her dad (we’ve been separated for several years) took her to live with him, and now I’m paying an even bigger price with the loss of her. It was like my heart was ripped out of my chest. I haven’t been the same person since, and it’s killing me. I’ve been struggling as has she. We both have stomach illnesses, and migraines, as well as anxiety and depression. I’m heartbroken.
Now it’s extremely hard to get time with her, as she’s got a 19 year old stepsister who has attached herself to my daughter, and I have no time alone with her at all anymore. Not to mention other friends.
I don’t know when I’ll ever get her back, and don’t know if she even wants to. I think she’s been brainwashed by her SS.
The separation wasn’t my doing, I never imagined he would betray me. But it’s done, and I’ve had to cope. Losing my daughter was something I never imagined either. I was not in the least bit prepared.
I don’t know how, but I hope to get her back before the end of the year.
I hope things have gotten better somehow for you.. I cried reading your ordeal. I have an almost 3 year old daughter to a narcissist ex and don’t see her for 3 days. I’m struggling at the moment. Reading your story has made me realise it may just get even worse as she gets older and her father has children with his son to be new supply (wife). Thinking of you…
My daughter almost 11 and i have been doing this mommy daughter journal for couple years and its great! Shes gone every other week in the summer and it stinks. Worst of all she doesnt want to go which makes it hurt worse. She feels comfortable to open up about anything. Sometimes she write once sometimes everyday. Then i write back for her to read while shes gone. Hope this helps. Its nice know we are not the only ones.
Thank you so much for the journal idea. My daughter is 7 and I think this will help her at nights when she wants me and needs to talk to me.