Here’s the Secret Phrase to Turn Your Kid Into an Amazing Student

Inside: Some parents like to tell their child they’re smart. But that kind of praise can work against kids. Instead, nurture a growth mindset with this magic phrase.

My 5-year-old struggles when she makes mistakes. Just a hunch, but I think it might have something to do with her mother being a perfectionist. Or maybe it’s just the nature of my child’s own personality.

But watching my child be so incredibly hard on herself gives me a renewed sense of urgency to get a handle on my own perfectionist tendencies.

She’ll say things like:

• “I’m never going to learn how to read.”
• “Everyone else is better than me.”
• “I’m the worst kid in the world.”

That last one is like an ice-cold knife sliding into my mama heart.

Ready for a solution now? Get these fun coloring posters for your child to teach them the power of hard work and sticking with a problem.

An Eye Opener

The other night as I was tucking my child in, I asked: “What makes someone smart?”

“Their brain,” she said.

I laughed. “That’s a good point.”

Then I asked: “What about your baby sister? Is she smart?”

“No.”

I raised one eyebrow. “How will she get smart?”

“By learning things.”

“Yes,” I agreed. “And by making mistakes, right?”

She nodded.

We were both quiet for a few seconds. I thought of earlier in the day when she said she’d never learn to read. In response, I picked out an easy reader book and sat down with her. She read the whole thing, needing help on just a handful of words.

She pulled the covers up over her shoulders, snapping me out of the memory.

I asked: “What about you? Are you smart?”

A shy little smile. “Yes.”

“Are you as smart as you’ll ever be?”

“No.”

I smiled. “How will you get smarter?”

“I’m going to learn more things.”

“And make mistakes, right?”

She nodded.

One day, I know I’ll get an eye roll instead of a nod, but in the meantime I’ll gladly brainwash the perfectionism out of her.

However, if you believe that nothing you do will change how smart you are, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. What’s more, these fixed-mindset kids don’t enjoy the learning process. Their mindset even drives them to lie about their school performance in order to maintain the perception that they are smart. They simply can’t handle mistakes.

“In one world, effort is a bad thing. It, like failure, means you’re not smart or talented. If you were, you wouldn’t need effort.

In the other world, effort is what makes you smart or talented.”

Related: One Powerful Word That Will Stop Negative Self-Talk in Kids {Printable}

If you think Einstein was just being humble, you can read this book^† to see the years and years of research that proves his point. From an article about the book:

“This growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts. Although people may differ in every which way – in their initial talents and aptitudes, interests, or temperaments – everyone can change and grow through application and experience.

Do people with this mindset believe that anyone can be anything, that anyone with proper motivation or education can become Einstein or Beethoven? No, but they believe that a person’s true potential is unknown (and unknowable); that it’s impossible to foresee what can be accomplished with years of passion, toil, and training.”

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

Well, duh. As a parent, of course you believe that if your child works hard, they can be anything they want to be.

But the problem?

Our actions as parents don’t always support this important growth mindset.

Here’s What We’re Doing Wrong

Have you ever told your kid they’re smart? I sure have.

And we’re not alone. According to one survey, 85 percent of American parents think it’s important to tell their kids that they’re smart.

But we need to stop, and here’s why.

Telling your child “You’re smart” is playing right into the fixed mindset.

In just one of the many studies that shows what happens when you praise your child by saying they’re smart, the researchers studied fifth-grade students:

The researchers would take a single child out of the classroom for a nonverbal IQ test consisting of a series of puzzles – puzzles easy enough that all the children would do fairly well. Once the child finished the test, the researchers told each student his score, then gave him a single line of praise. Randomly divided into groups, some were praised for their intelligence. They were told, “You must be smart at this.” Other students were praised for their effort: “You must have worked really hard.”…

Then the students were given a choice of test for the second round. One choice was a test that would be more difficult than the first, but the researchers told the kids that they’d learn a lot from attempting the puzzles. The other choice…was an easy test, just like the first. Of those praised for their effort, 90 percent chose the harder set of puzzles. Of those praised for their intelligence, a majority chose the easy test. The “smart” kids took the cop-out.

But why?

“When we praise children for their intelligence,” [researcher Carol Dweck] wrote in her study summary, “we tell them that this is the name of the game: Look smart, don’t risk making mistakes.” And that’s what the fifth-graders had done: They’d chosen to look smart and avoid the risk of being embarrassed.

In a subsequent round, none of the fifth-graders had a choice. The test was difficult, designed for kids two years ahead of their grade level. Predictably, everyone failed. But again, the two groups of children, divided at random at the study’s start, responded differently. Those praised for their effort on the first test assumed they simply hadn’t focused hard enough on this test. “They got very involved, willing to try every solution to the puzzles,” Dweck recalled. “Many of them remarked, unprovoked, ‘This is my favorite test.’?” Not so for those praised for their smarts. They assumed their failure was evidence that they weren’t really smart at all. “Just watching them, you could see the strain. They were sweating and miserable.”

Having artificially induced a round of failure, Dweck’s researchers then gave all the fifth-graders a final round of tests that were engineered to be as easy as the first round. Those who had been praised for their effort significantly improved on their first score – by about 30 percent. Those who’d been told they were smart did worse than they had at the very beginning – by about 20 percent.

Telling your kid they’re smart stresses them out. It shifts their focus to getting and keeping that label of “smart.”

And when they’re focused on labels instead of learning, they don’t learn as well, they don’t enjoy the learning process, and they actually do worse on their schoolwork because of it.

Okay, Okay! Tell Me What to Do Instead!

If you’re like me, after reading this you’re all “Wait, whaaa? Not tell my kid they’re smart? That’s just MEAN!”

And yes, you may feel like a meanie at first.

But the secret to turning your child into an awesome student and setting them up for a life of success is to praise their effort, not the outcome.

Every time you feel the urge to say “Wow, you’re so smart” or “You’re really good at math,” say this magic phrase instead:

“You worked really hard.”

That’s all.

Just comment on how much effort your kid put into what they’re doing. Add a “Wow” at the front if you want to kick it up a notch. (But if you start to feel like a robot always saying that one phrase, you can keep your encouragement fresh with these 125 encouraging phrases for kids.)

Over time, your child will learn that it’s okay to struggle. That it’s okay to make mistakes and learn from them. And even better, they’ll learn that it’s fun to challenge yourself to learn new things.

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