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One Powerful Word That Will Inspire a Kid Who Says, “I Can’t Do It!”

By Kelly Holmes| This content may contain affiliate links.

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One Powerful Word That Will Inspire a Kid Who Says, "I Can't Do It!"

Inside: The most common response to negative self-talk in children doesn’t work. When your kid says, “I can’t do it,” use this powerful word to inspire her.

When my 3-year-old is learning how to do something new, she sticks her little tongue out to the side and figures it out, no matter how long it takes her. And she definitely won’t accept help from me.

But last week, Bailey said something under her breath that caught me off guard – and not in a good way.

My husband was peeling carrots for dinner, and she walked up to him with a big smile on her face. “Can I do that?”

She’d never peeled anything before, so my mama heart squeezed at the thought of a sharp peeler in her tiny hands. What if she slips and cuts herself? What if she slices off a chunk of her thumb? What if we end up in the ER?!

Luckily, my husband is way more chill than I am, so he said, “Sure.”

I caught Tyler’s eye and raised an eyebrow at him, and he just smiled.

He got Bailey set up at the breakfast table with a bag of carrots and the peeler, and he gave her a quick safety lesson in Vegetable Peeling 101.

When she picked up the peeler, I felt an adrenaline surge.

But I knew enough not to hover, so I hung back in the kitchen and didn’t say a word.

Download: Get these fun coloring posters for your child to teach them the power of hard work and sticking with a problem.

And Then She Said It

Bailey stuck her little tongue out to the side and concentrated on running the peeler against the carrot.

Slow, deliberate. Safe.

I moved closer and opened my mouth to say, “You’re doing it!” But before I could get the words out, she said something under her breath that stopped me.

“I’m not good at this,” she said.

She let the peeler and carrot fall to the table, and her chin dropped to her chest.

And I just stood there, my mouth open but no words coming out.

What happened to my determined, persistent little learner? Since when did she talk down to herself?

Related: Here’s the Secret Phrase to Turn Your Kid Into an Amazing Student {Printable}

The impact of negative self-talk in childrenPhoto by Donnie Ray Jones

The Danger of Negative Self-Talk in Children

Many parents instinctively know that calling a child “stupid” could influence that child’s idea of how smart she is and cause her to behave differently when learning something new. But as it turns out, a child calling herself “stupid” can have the same effect.

Let’s suppose you’re back in high school, and you’re nervous about a big science test coming up. You tell yourself, “I’ll probably fail anyway, so why even study?”

By telling yourself that, you’ve given up before the test even happened and envisioned a future for yourself where you’ll skip studying. If you do skip studying, you’ll have increased the chances that you’ll fail the test.

Instead, consider what would happen if you told yourself, “I’m nervous about the science test, but studying will help me feel more confident.” You’d be more likely to study and therefore more likely to do well on the test.

This phenomenon is called a self-fulfilling prophecy. In other words, when you declare something like this to yourself or another person, it’s enough to influence your behavior to fulfill that declaration of “truth.”

Related: 7 Surprising Ways to Help Your Kid Do Better in School, According to Science

When kids use negative self-talk, this is what happens

But the Most Common Response Doesn’t Work

When kids engage in negative self-talk, it may sound like:

I’m no good at this.
I can’t do it, it’s too hard.
I’ll never learn how to read.

Because we love our kids more than anything else in the world, our gut reaction as a parent is to convince them that their words aren’t true:

You are good at this!
Yes, you can do it!
You will learn to read. I believe in you!

But have you noticed that when you try to fight your child’s negative self-talk with your own positive words, it doesn’t work?

I learned that lesson the hard way with my 9-year-old. It took me a while to realize that when I unleashed a slew of positive affirmations, it actually made her attitude worse. She’d furrow her brow, cross her arms on her chest, and shut herself off from me.

I’d unknowingly turned her frustration into a power struggle instead of addressing the heart of the issue.

How to teach optimism when your kid gets easily frustrated

This Is What We’re Missing

Here’s what your child is really saying when she talks bad about herself:

I’m frustrated.
I feel bad that I made a mistake.
I’m scared I won’t be able to figure this out.

When we respond with positive affirmations, this is what our kids hear:

Don’t be frustrated!
Don’t feel bad!
Don’t be scared!

I don’t know about you, but when I’m feeling those emotions and someone responds by telling me not to feel those emotions, I don’t take it very well.

Which means the real problem is that we’re not stopping to empathize with our kids’ big and scary emotions. In that moment when your child gets easily frustrated and her confidence is shaken, she doesn’t feel heard.

So what can you do in that moment when you hear your sweet child saying mean things about herself, to herself?

Say one simple word.

Download now: 9 Best Mindset Posters That Will Inspire Your Child to Keep Trying

One word that will inspire positive self talk for kidsPhoto by Donnie Ray Jones

One Word That Will Flip Your Child’s Negative Self-Talk

A while ago, I stumbled on one word that helps me catch myself in that moment so I can empathize with my child and and help her move forward in a positive way:

  • When your child says, “I’m no good at this” or “I can’t do it,”
  • You say, “…yet.”

Adding this one word builds your child’s confidence by giving her a vision of her future where she does “get” it. She’ll make choices that will help her live up to that new “truth.”

Which means this little word is important for your child to hear, but it’s just as important for you. Because saying “…yet” will stop you from spewing out positive affirmations that will just make your child dig her heels further into the muck of negative self-talk.

One Powerful Word That Will Inspire a Kid Who Says, "I Can't Do It!"
For the best results when teaching optimism, grit, and stick-to-it-iveness, you’ll want to follow up “yet” with a little more guidance:

  1. Yet – When you hear your child engage in negative self-talk, close the distance between you, look them in the eye, and repeat their statement but add “…yet” to the end. Depending on the statement, it may work better to say “…not yet.”
  2. Empathize – Let them know you hear their frustration by saying “I can see that you’re frustrated.” Or “It seems like you’re nervous that you won’t figure this out.” Or “You feel bad that you made a mistake.” You might also follow this up with a question to get them talking about what they’re stuck on, like “Can you show me the part that’s hard for you?”
  3. Turn it around – Now, ask your child a question to engage their problem-solving skills so they can move forward in a positive way. For example, “How can you try this a different way?” or “What part isn’t making sense yet?”

And all you have to remember is YET. Yet, Empathize, Turn it around.

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Can One Word Stop Negative Self-Talk in Children?

To be clear, we can’t wave our magic mom wands and immediately stop all negative self-talk in children.

But adding “…yet” is a simple and positive response that can help nip negative self-talk in the bud and flip it into a positive mantra for your child.

On that day that my preschooler threw down the vegetable peeler and that sad little carrot, she’d said “I’m not good at this.”

I wanted to say, “It’s the first time you’ve ever tried to do this! You’ll get better! Just keep trying!” Which would have turned the whole situation into an argument with us on opposite sides.

But instead, I caught myself and said, “…yet.”

She looked up at me, and I moved forward to close the gap between us.

Bending down so we were at eye level with each other, I said, “You’re frustrated because you’re learning something new, and that’s hard.”

She nodded.

“You’re not feeling good at this yet.”

“Yeah,” she said.

I reached out with one hand and rubbed her shoulder. “How could you get better at it?”

She shrugged, and I waited, keeping my mouth shut.

After a few seconds, her eyes lit up with that determination I know and love, and she sat up straight in her chair. “I could use a knife.”

My eyes got big, and I heard my husband chuckling in the kitchen behind us. Not exactly the direction I wanted things to move in.

“You could. That’s true.” Buying myself time. “But…using a knife would take even more practice to learn than the vegetable peeler. Can you think of anything else that would help you with the peeler?”

She tilted her head to one side, thinking. “Can you show me again?”

I smiled and picked up the peeler. The power of yet.

Growth mindset posters that will inspire your kid to keep trying

Print These Coloring Posters to Change Your Kid’s Mindset

I’ve tried countless parenting techniques to encourage a growth mindset in my kids – some of them total duds.

But I wish I’d created these special mindset posters much earlier because the results have been fast and impressive with my grade-schooler and my preschooler. (Even my toddler repeats the growth mindset mantras she hears from her older sisters!)

Thanks to these mindset posters, my kids have internalized powerful, positive mantras to remind them that hard work and sticking with a problem will help their brains grow – and will help them become the people they want to be. (Check out the science behind these growth mindset posters that makes them so powerful with kids.)

Download your own set of mindset posters here, and you’ll unlock your child’s true potential for working hard, not giving up, and learning from her mistakes.

Mindset posters that will inspire your child to keep trying

Download now: 9 Best Mindset Posters That Will Inspire Your Child to Keep Trying

Want More?

If your child struggles with negative self-talk, she may have a fixed mindset when it comes to learning new things. Find more tried-and-true tricks to help develop a growth mindset here:

  • Here’s the Secret Phrase to Turn Your Kid Into an Amazing Student
  • 7 Surprising Ways to Help Your Kid Do Better in School, According to Science
  • The Most Powerful Way to Respond When Your Kid Gives Up

Your Turn

Have you found any helpful tricks for responding to negative self-talk in children? Share in a comment below!

One Powerful Word That Will Stop Negative Self-Talk in Children
One Powerful Word That Will Inspire a Kid Who Says, "I Can't Do It!"
Kelly Holmes

I’m a mom of four, a recovering perfectionist, and the author of Happy You, Happy Family. Parenting is hard enough without all the guilt we heap on top of ourselves. So let’s stop trying to be perfect parents and just be real ones. Sound good? Join my mailing list and as a bonus, you’ll get 25+ incredibly helpful cheat sheets that will ease your parenting struggles.

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Reena Lewis
Reena Lewis

Genius.

2
Reply
Kelly Holmes
Author
Kelly Holmes
Reply to  Reena Lewis

Glad to hear this resonated, Reena!

0
Reply
Erika Cedillo
Erika Cedillo

I love this post! We’ve been doing this at home and the funny thing is that my husband taught it to me a while back and now we use it with our girls. It’s so powerful! And I love the three steps you suggest :)
Also the new version of the brain is a muscle pientable is beautiful! We did the first one and it has helped so much. I will do this new version with my girls this weekend. Thank you!!

1
Reply
Kelly Holmes
Author
Kelly Holmes
Reply to  Erika Cedillo

Erika, how cool that this is already a tried-and-true trick in your family! And I’m glad you like the new coloring page. A friend designed it for me since as you could tell from the last version, my design skills are seriously lacking. ;) Enjoy your weekend!

1
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Charlotte Howard
Charlotte Howard

This is such a great post! It is so awful that kids are now involved in negative self talk. Self love is such an important topic to us and it’s great there are words that can be replaced and fixed to your children to help them have a greater self confidence! This definitely resonated with us.

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Christina
Christina

Once again, just the message I need this week. My son is struggling to learn to ride his bike, and nothing I was saying was helping. This. This is going to be how I respond tomorrow.

2
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Steph
Steph

Before reading the body, I knew the answer. That is because I have been using this for YEARS successfully! It makes ALL the difference in the world.

1
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Adria
Adria

As I was reading this article, I thought of what I say, not yet! So I am glad to hear I am on the right track. This gives my children confidence to keep trying and pride when accomplishing.

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fardiana
fardiana

great one.TQ :)

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Clare Kennedy
Clare Kennedy

thank you thank yu for this!! I am so happy to have tools to help my four year old Mabel navigate childhood. <3

0
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April
April

What to say when 7yo says, I’m dumb.” or “I’m stupid.”?

7
Reply
Anonymous
Anonymous
Reply to  April

Maybe by responding with “…yet/not yet.” the rest of the time, it will decrease how often you’re child feels that way?

Something that helps my kids (in general, maybe not specifically when they’re feeling negative) is when we point out when they learn something new or can reach something that used to be too high. “I remember when you couldn’t do that, and now you can!”. We celebrate those moments and it helps them see themselves progress.

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NanaPennypockets
NanaPennypockets

Kelly, I would like your permission to put a link to this article on my website. I think the information in it is so very adaptable to adults also and I will be making that comment with the link and encouraging readers to read you post. It;s truly excellent.

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Nicole |The Professional Mom Project
Nicole |The Professional Mom Project

Love this! Thank you I will try this with. my son the next time he engages in negative self talk.

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Samantha
Samantha

I really need to try this! I have a 3 year old who talks negatively about herself and you’re 100% right – if I try and encourage/be positive it turns in to an argument or makes her more upset. I think this is a great way of empathising and opening the conversation.

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Doing Good Together
Doing Good Together

Terrific post! It’s wonderful to see how we can simultaneously help our children build resilience while also learning (and in turn, teaching) lessons in empathy.

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Elisa Farias
Elisa Farias

This is a great way to Manage it! Thank you for this wonderful post.

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Michelle
Michelle

How do I join the news letter?

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Ali@DustBunniesandBlessings.com
Ali@DustBunniesandBlessings.com

I have believed the self-fulfilling prophecy theory for many years, but I had never heard of using “yet.” What a wonderful idea! I am printing this out so that I can remember to start using this in my conversations with my children. I really think my dyslexic daughter will especially benefit from making this thought process a habit. Just in time for back to school and new 3rd grade challenges for her.

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Heather
Heather

Great post. My four year old often says “I’m no good at this…I’m no good at abuthing”. It breaks my heart. I will definitely be trying this x

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Devna
Devna

A simple word but very powerful…Thanks Kelly for sharing this magical word. I am definitely going to try this with my 3 year old.. I believe a word of encouragement can bring a drastic change in the overall personality of young kids. Negativity is everywhere, but it is our efforts with these shining buds to make them feel positive.

Thank you once again!!Loved reading it!!

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JENNIFER LEECH
JENNIFER LEECH

I Love this!! My little one has been doing this for the past 3 months. I been wondering how to Stop this. I’m going to try this. THANK YOU!

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Cassie from True Agape
Cassie from True Agape

This is a great post. It is important that we teach kids to be positive and always have the feeling of I can. This way, kids have positive outlook in almost everything.

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