How to Stop Losing Your Cool With Your Kids—With a Powerful Pause
My coffee cup was halfway to my mouth for that first sip of the day when the battle cries from the 5- and 6-year-old cousins drifted into my sister’s kitchen…
No, it’s MINE!
But I had it FIRST!
That’s not fair!
But I want it!
I sighed.
Then the 2-year-old shrieked, and I jumped up quickly, irritated before even entering the room. My body leaned forward, and my breath held tight in my chest. I went in hot.
And while I didn’t technically yell, my tone wasn’t much better. Maybe no one will get to have it if we can’t agree. Maybe we all need to take a break. Well, none of that is YOURS, actually, it all belongs to the 2-year-old.
Biting words. Fighting words. Words that certainly did not bring peace to the situation.
Looking into their faces with their furrowed brows and set jaws, I realized I was just reacting to their emotions instead of responding in a caring and constructive way. The opposite of mindful, calm parenting.
Bonus: Get a 3-step plan to calm parenting from Ashley, the author of this article and the mom behind the website Nurture and Thrive, when you sign up for her free Mindful Parenting email series.
The Reason We Lose Our Cool As Parents
I’m a child development psychologist. I know reacting like that doesn’t teach kids how to regulate their own emotions. I know biting words don’t help kids learn how to resolve conflict. I know kids need connection in order to cooperate.
Calm parenting is a must for healthy childhood development. And yet, I still reacted to emotion with emotion. Why?
The truth is that the less regulated we are as parents, the more likely it is that we will react to our kids, letting their emotions overcome us.
For example, I’d spent the day before on a 6-hour plane ride and was operating on less sleep and a time difference. It felt like responding to the kids’ emotions in a constructive way would take too much energy.
But I’ve discovered that one little trick for calm parenting can make all the difference between reacting and responding, even when you’re exhausted.
The Secret to Calm Parenting? The Pause
A few minutes later, the shrieks began again.
But that time, I caught myself tensing up and I paused.
I took a slow breath. I said my mantra: “Observe with an open heart.” I centered myself.
Here’s why: Research shows that saying a mantra can calm the brain. Pair that with the power of deep breathing, a proven way to halt the stress response, and you have a powerful way to center yourself. The secret to calm parenting.
After the pause, I was prepared to face the self-perceived injustice of three strong-willed boys.
After the pause, I saw their stressed faces and their struggle. I empathized – I can see you’re upset. You feel like this is unfair.
After the pause, I asked them if they could think of a way to work it out. We waded through their suggestions and settled on something everyone could agree to.
This is responding instead of reacting. This is mindful parenting – calm parenting.
Related: How to Stop Being an Angry Mom Now…Using 5 Hair Ties {Printable}
How to Be a Calm Parent: The Power of the Pause
Rapid breathing in your upper chest, tight muscles, a tight jaw, a sense of urgency – all of these are early signs of stress in the body. When you feel them, take a mindful pause.
Here’s how you can get started with this calm parenting technique:
- Stop what you’re doing and count to 10. If you need to remove a younger child from the situation, you can pick them up, but don’t react to anything yet. Simply hold them. Count to 10 out loud in front of your kids. (Modeling how to calm down is a great bonus for teaching your children self-regulation!)
- Take a deep breath.
- Say your mantra. (More on this in a minute.)
Developmental psychologists now use this kind of practice as a way to strengthen relationships between parents and adolescents.
Programs that teach parents mindfulness techniques include paying attention to the breath, recognizing signs of stress in your own body, and then being able to halt that process with a pause. Parents learn how to be a calm parent – breathe mindfully and say a mantra like “stop, be calm, be present.”
But First, Choose Your Mantra
Here are some calm parenting mantras that have worked for me:
- “Ride this wave, mama”
- “Respond with grace”
- “I am their mom”
- “Choose kindness”
- “I am here for you”
- “Observe with an open heart”
- “Act with love”
- “Choose joy”
- “See how little they are”
Choose a mantra that works for you. Maybe you’d like a clear mantra that’s to the point, or perhaps you prefer one that has a deeper meaning.
After you’ve established taking a mindful pause as a habit, switch up your mantras to keep the words fresh and meaningful. Find words that inspire you, and you’ll feel empowered rather than exhausted.
Related: How to Be a Happy Mom: Science Says Do These 7 Things {Printable}
Here’s the Best Part
What I appreciate about the pause is that it helps me thoughtfully respond to my child instead of react. But that’s not even the best part.
When you pause, you root yourself in the moment. You’re more present.
You’ll find yourself pausing for the good things too – for savoring and soaking up the sweetness and hilarity of childhood.
Like on our trip to my sister’s house. After the initial conflict, my sister reminded me that it’s always like that when the cousins first get together. They’re feeling each other out. She was right.
The next day, when it was a little too quiet I found them all huddled together amongst the vacuum and the mop, flashlights in tow, and a headlamp on the 2-year-old. They whispered to each other the stories that will form the memories of adventures with cousins – memories that will stay with them for life.
And I was present in the moment to enjoy it. I was finally able to enjoy a leisurely coffee and chat with my sister whom I don’t get to see face to face nearly enough.
Then later, when the oldest begged for a silly song to be played, we all danced like hooligans around my sister’s ottoman, right there in her living room. It’s a moment I’ll always remember.
Mindful, calm parenting can be exhausting. Being able to center yourself and weather your child’s storms takes practice. Half the battle is remembering to do it. But when you take a pause, you find your power there.
Get a Printable Plan
This is a special note from Ashley, the author of this article and the mom behind Nurture and Thrive…
I made a free printable 3-step plan to calm parenting to help you stay calm and centered. When you get the printable, you’ll also join my free Mindful Parenting email series. Just click here to get it and subscribe.
How to Catch Yourself Before You Lose Your Cool
And now one final note from Kelly, the founder of this site…
I asked Ashley to share this article with you because this is a lesson I had to learn the hard way. After my family welcomed our third little one into the mix, we became a family of five with a second-grader, a toddler, and a newborn. Even though I could have used more sleep and way more coffee, we were happy. Then my husband’s paternity leave ended, and I was at home with the kids all day. As time wore on, my patience became razor thin. And one day, I just broke.
The shame burns my cheeks just thinking of that day, even now. But thanks to that experience, I realized I had to make a change. I threw myself into researching how to find happiness in the chaos of parenting. Something beyond “make time for you” and “exercise more.” Because when you’re overwhelmed and at your breaking point, you don’t need the “experts” telling you more stuff to do on top of everything else.
That’s how I discovered the secrets: 10 secrets every parent should know about being happy. After hearing from hundreds of parents in the same boat as me, I knew I needed to share what I discovered. And so I wrote a book: Happy You, Happy Family. In the book, you get a Temper-Taming Toolkit with simple hacks like this to help you keep your cool during those everyday parenting moments that test your patience.
Click here to get your copy plus a bonus workbook and start your journey towards finding more happiness as a parent.
Because the truth is that happiness won’t come from a big promotion at work, or from winning the lottery, or from your kids all learning to put their toys away when they’re done playing. Because eventually, you just get used to all that stuff.
True, lasting happiness comes from a conscious effort by you to put the right habits in place.
Want More?
For more information about mindfulness, here’s a guided mindfulness exercise from the CSU Center for Mindfulness.
Your Turn
What’s your best trick for calm parenting? Share in a comment below!
Good evening Kelly, I would like to thank you for your words of encouragement tonight. I’m a mother of 3 who are my three heartbeats and I would give my life for them. However, I have been overwhelmed and tired trying to get through finals at school and keep to my kids schedule for instance drop offs and pickups from 4 different schools, helping and checking homework, read for 30 mins, prepare dinner, and study for my classes. I was running on empty and was feeling a little unappreciated. And I was finding myself a little irritable with my kids and was taking my frustrations out on them. But I really received your message tonight and going forward I will be practicing the powerful pause.
I am so glad this tip helped!! Thank you for taking the time to leave a note of encouragement for us (:
Thank you SO much for this! I grew up in a household similar to many others, where discipline came in the form of spankings, yelling, intimidation. Before becoming a parent, I was determined to be different. However, I have found that I tend to fall into some of those patterns, because I didn’t know any other way. But I don’t want to be that type of parent. I’ve heard parents saying things like you have to keep the fear there so they’ll listen, don’t be a pushover, etc. But I don’t want my children to be afraid of me. I want to be their safe place. I can see the hurt and fear in their faces when I yell at them and it breaks my heart. These are my babies, my life, my whole world and I never want then to doubt my love for them. I want them to feel it in every moment. So I truly can’t thank you enough for this post. I hope to see many more like this that can help me be the mom I want to be, the mom my babies deserve.
Jess, I am so glad this spoke to you! I totally understand what you mean about falling into old patterns and breaking free and also the idea of having to have children be afraid of you. I worked in the research field for years and one of the most consistent findings was that positive, warm parenting leads to the best outcomes for parents and kids. It takes work — but being positive doesn’t mean being a pushover. You really can find your power to parent and truly teach in that pause.
I relate to what you wrote so much! In fact, the mantra I chose while reading the article is “be their safe place”. From one frustrated momma trying to be better to another, I feel you.
“Be their safe place.” What a powerful phrase. Thank you. I so want to represent safety for my child!
This is so inspiring! It’s so hard not to lose patience and lash out at that thing being done *again*, even when we instinctively know it is throwing away the opportunity to actually help resolve the issue. A mantra is a great way to release some of that energy while gearing down to an effective state of mind. I’m going with “Be the example.” Thank you for writing this, Ashley!
Wonderful read. It’s amazing how much can be gained from pressing pause. Absolutely love your mantra suggestions. Combining thought with action is powerful and this is a beautiful example of that. Kiddos follow our leads in so many situations, responding mindfully is so supportive.
Sure! I think calm parenting is an art to be mastered!
From a single mom of 4 to a grandmother of 6, this is a post I appreciate more than you know. What i should consider is this practice also applies to my life even more now that I have a beautiful, strong willed 30 year old special needs daughter and an emotionally impulsive 73 year old husband who knew no other way to communicate than to yell or become combative before we entered his life. Thank you for reminding me of a better way to deal with these stresses.
I don’t comment on blogs often but this post caught my attention while I was on Pinterest and the advice is great. It wasn’t new to me, but something I really needed reminding of today. I shared this with my own followers on Facebook too.
When you find you are about to lose it, walk away from your child. Not only does this prevent you from starting down the wrong path, it models for your child an appropriate response when they are feeling overwhelmed themselves.
This was a good read! It is hard to not react immediately, but taking that pause helps identify what is really going on so it can be addressed appropriately!
These tips are fantastic and very similar to what I use with my own kids. Mindful breathing and a
‘mommy time out’ to focus on my breathing an recenter helps tremendously.
Very encouraging, have to find your own ways to calm down, what works for me is by looking in the mirror and say I’m ok three times it helps me go through tough times.
OMG! Just reading this article calmed me, even though I was calm with no child at home. It all makes sense. I’ve been on training courses, read many articles, but this one hit it on the nail. Made notes and pinned it on my fridge. I’m always fighting with my child or reacting and not responding. Amazing advice. Thank you so much. I know what’s it’s like to get knotty inside and try to calm down and it does take immense concentration and energy to bring you back to reality before you loose it. Now to apply theory! Wish me luck. ?
mantra:
what kind of memories do i want them to have.
Thanks for the amazing tips and encouragement. It helps tremendously! Many blessings:)
Thank you for words of encouragement! I love your message, and it truly speaks to me. I’m only adding the following insight to offer perspective- bc I truly believe your message deserves to be heard and employed by all.
As a momma of 3, I found this helpful and wanted to share with my husband (who is a great daddy but could use these words of encouragement too!). Often times I find myself having to reinforce the perspective that both moms and dads should be equally accountable and held to the same standards (especially regarding parenting). Perhaps it is bc of my perspective that I noticed it only had mom examples. My initial excitement about sharing this with my husband kind of fleeted because I didn’t want to reinforce the idea (to him) that only moms need this advice and should be the only ones parenting. I know that for some this may be a trivial point, but for others (unfortunately) it makes a difference on the parenting front.
Thank you again for your insight and words of encouragement.
For a child’, who refuses any assistance 12 years old,they say no I am not dumb.when yin wish to help support them with things like wrong time on their phone,what’s another approach
As I read this I could see so much of myself through your words. Struggling to be calm with kids is something I think we all could work on. I actually talk about it myself in my blog at gettingglamwithgruden.com. Be sure to check it out and let me know what you think!
Im so glad I’ve found this! Amazing tips!
But what if after counting and saying your mantra calm doesn’t come? Many times the nagging feeling remains and doesn’t go away.
Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences to help others .. I personally appreciate it !
I have been implementing the powerful pause technique for some time now and it is amazing to see the positive impact it has had on my relationship with my children. Although it can be challenging, the results are definitely worth it.