Inside: It’s normal to feel like an angry mother sometimes. But if you’re snapping at your kid more than you feel comfortable with, grab 5 hair ties and do this.
A couple months ago while my husband and I were making dinner, my toddler walked up to me and held one hand up for me to see, fingers spread out.
“Hey, sweetie.” I could see something dark on her fingers, but I wasn’t close enough to see what it was.
I stepped closer. “Oh no.”
“What?” Ty asked.
I turned and ran in the opposite direction towards the closet where we keep the diapers.
And in my rush, I missed seeing something in my path. My feet got tangled up, and I hit the floor, just barely catching myself with my hands.
I looked back to see what tripped me up. My preschooler’s shoes, left right in the middle of the hallway.
“Bailey!” I yelled.
I stood up and grabbed a diaper, then scooped up my toddler like a sack of potatoes and headed towards the living room floor.
“Bailey!” Louder this time. She must have been upstairs in the kids’ playroom.
As I bent down to start the diaper change, my knee throbbed from the fall. “Bailey!” Even louder.
Adrenaline coursed through my veins because of the poop-mergency. Because of the fall. Because I was being ignored.
Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, download a free cheat sheet of 30 ways to connect with your child after you’ve lost your temper.
And Then She Peeked Around the Corner
“What, Mommy?” Innocence on her little face, not malice. But I missed it because I was hopped up on stress hormones.
“You can’t leave your shoes in the hallway like that! I tripped and fell because you didn’t put your shoes away.”
Her chin dropped to her chest. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. Just don’t do that again.” I flinched at my sharp words.
She turned and walked away, head still hanging.
After I finished up the diaper change and sent the toddler on her way, I sat there and couldn’t hold it back.
The shame spilled over onto my cheeks and then my lap.
What’s wrong with me?
Photo by Donnie Ray Jones
Here’s the Disconnect
My personal goal is to talk to my kids with the same level of respect and kindness that I use to talk to my husband. The good news is that for the most part, I do talk to my oldest and my youngest that way.
But my poor middle child.
Something about the preschooler-ness of my preschooler was turning me into an angry mother every time I opened my mouth to talk to her.
I needed help.
Hair Ties to the Rescue for Every Angry Mother
How many times have you set a goal – to exercise more, or to eat healthier, or to stop watching Friends re-runs on Netflix so you can get to bed at a decent hour – only to revert back to the status quo after a few days or a couple weeks?
This is where habits will save you. They work because they put your brain on autopilot so you don’t even have to muster up the willpower to do something. You just go through your normal routine, and it happens.
Brushing your teeth, taking a shower, and guzzling that first cup of coffee in the morning are all examples of things you might do on autopilot.
Unfortunately for me, I’d developed a bad habit of talking sharply to my preschooler. My brain was on autopilot headed in the wrong direction towards being an angry mother.
I flipped open my book Happy You, Happy Family to the chapter titled “Break the Bad Habits” and re-read it.
And I realized the solution to breaking my bad habit: hair ties.
Let Me Explain
Visual cues are a powerful science-backed tool that will remind you to avoid a bad habit when you’re most likely to slip back into it.
For example, if you were trying to eat healthier, you could leave a bright Post-It Note on the fridge to remind yourself that “Snack = veggies only.” Or if you were trying to start a morning exercise habit, you could set your workout clothes on your nightstand the night before.
I decided my visual cue would be 5 hair ties.
Why? Because a few years ago, I’d read a blog post about using rubber bands as a visual parenting cue.
This isn’t a new idea. But I added my own research-backed spin to pack an even bigger punch to knock down that angry mother habit once and for all.
Get Your Copy + Bonus Workbook: Happy You, Happy Family
How to Stop Being an Angry Mother With 5 Hair Ties
If you’ve been snapping at your kid more than you feel comfortable with, follow these steps:
- Find 5 hair ties that will be comfortable to wear around your wrist. We bought this pack of 100 as a stocking stuffer for the girls last year, and by some miracle, we still have a few left, and they’re super comfortable on the wrist. But you could use anything that’s comfortable and easy to get on and off – thin bangle bracelets like this or just plain old rubber bands.
- When your kids wake up in the morning, put the hair ties around one of your wrists. It’s important to wait until they wake up because visual cues won’t work very well if they blend into the background and you stop noticing them – kind of like wallpaper. In other words, once you get used to seeing the cue in your environment, the cue is no longer effective. To prevent that, you’ll:
- Put the hair ties on when your kids wake up.
- Take them off when you’ll be away from your kids, like if you leave the house for work or an appointment or if the kids go down for a nap or leave for school.
- When you’re with the kids again, put your hair ties back on.
- If you catch yourself snapping at your kiddo, move one hair tie to the other wrist. But your goal is actually to make it to the end of the day with all 5 hair ties on the original wrist. So what do you do if you slip up…?
- You can “earn back” one hair tie by doing 5 simple things to reconnect with your kid. Research shows that to have a healthy relationship, for every one negative interaction you need 5 positive interactions to balance that out. It’s called the Magic 5:1 Ratio, and here’s a list of a few ideas for how to get those 5 positive interactions on the books as fast as possible, from a hug to a dance party and everything in between. (At the end of this post, you can also download a free printable cheat sheet of all the Magic 5:1 Ratio ideas for reconnecting.)
What if you have more than one child you’re struggling to keep your temper with? Because the goal is to earn back a hair tie as soon as possible after you slip up, you can use one set of 5 hair ties for the whole day. In other words, you don’t need a separate set of 5 hair bands for each kid.
After you have a negative interaction with one of your kids, try to get 5 positive interactions with that child as soon as possible to reset that hair band to the original wrist.
Related: How to Connect With Your Child: The Magic of the 5:1 Ratio {Printable}
But Does This Really Work?
I was skeptical because…hair ties? Really?
But I needed to try something different, and a few hair ties on my wrist certainly wasn’t going to hurt anyone.
As it turned out, the visual cue of the hair ties coupled with the gentle pressure on my wrist was a magical combination.
The first morning I wore them at home with my preschooler and toddler, I didn’t snap once. All I’d needed was a little nudge to jolt myself out of that angry mother habit.
Later I did snap, but I was highly motivated to move that hair tie back to the other wrist, so we repaired the damage quickly.
The only negative that came out of it was that later that day, Bailey noticed the hair ties.
She pointed to my wrist. “Take those off, Mommy.”
“Why?”
“Because they’re for your hair, not your arm.”
“Well, I need to wear these. It’s like Wonder Woman and her bracelets. These hair ties give me superpowers and make me a Super Mommy and help me stay happy.”
She narrowed her eyes. “Really?”
“Yes, really.”
“Are you telling the truth?”
I nodded. “I’m telling the truth.”
She was quiet for a few seconds, staring at my wrist. Then: “Can you fly too?”
Related: 10 Miracle Phrases to Help You Reconnect With Your Child {Printable}
What About the Wallpaper Effect?
I thought all this was a fluke. That it would wear off over time, and I’d revert to being an angry mother with my middle kid.
Months later, the hair tie hack is still working wonders. I talk to my preschooler with love and kindness in my voice instead of annoyance and frustration.
We even had an unfortunate incident with a black Sharpie, the carpet, and every stuffed animal in the house. But I didn’t raise my voice. I didn’t use unkind words. I calmly approached my preschooler and asked her what she was working on while gently slipping the marker out of her hands.
She explained that she was marking the animals so everyone would know they belong to her. Made no sense to me, but I guess ranchers do it to cattle, so why not preschoolers to stuffed animals? (The carpet was just collateral damage.)
I kept my tone in check and explained that markers are for paper only. That the marker would never wash off. Not even from her lovey, Wilbur the pig.
She’s used to washable markers washing right off, so hearing that last bit crumpled her little face, making me extra glad I hadn’t raised my voice to add insult to injury.
But Here’s What I Didn’t Expect
Lately, I’ve been flying hair-tie-free here and there to see if my new habit will stick to keep that angry mom voice at bay.
And it has. But that’s not the surprising part.
Ever since I started wearing the hair ties when I’m around my preschooler, her behavior has been night and day different:
- She doesn’t take toys from her little sister as much as she used to.
- She doesn’t blow up over small hiccups in the day.
- And she’s more compliant with my requests, like a reminder to take a potty break, or asking for her to pick up her toys, or suggesting she pretend she’s an archeologist and I’m the dinosaur bones she’s digging for so I can just lay on the couch and close my eyes.
Because I speak to her with more respect, she speaks to me with more respect.
Because every little thing isn’t a crisis for me to freak out about, she can look for solutions instead of feeling shame about the problem.
Because she feels more loved, she’s capable of giving more love.
Related: The 3-Letter Word That Will Overhaul the Way You Discipline Your Child
Before You Go, A Cautionary Tale
The night of the Sharpie incident, my husband Ty had a conference call so I flew solo on the bedtime routine. I got all the girls tucked in, then went straight to making a tea.
While the water boiled, I took my hair ties off.
Approximately 2.7 seconds later, a blonde head appeared next to me.
I sighed. “It’s time for bed, Bailey.”
I took her by the hand and led her back upstairs to bed.
This played out 11 more times in the span of an hour. And even though my hair ties were off, I didn’t lose my temper, and I didn’t speak sharply.
But my frustration must have been clear from my tone punctuated with sighs and the bone-tiredness of my body language.
Ty finished his call and came into the living room to find me staring at the wall, waiting for the next round.
“Bailey’s still awake,” I said.
“Still?” He glanced at the clock.
“She may be waiting for a hug and kiss from Daddy before she can settle down. Or maybe she’s stressed about Wilbur’s marker stains.”
He headed upstairs, and after a few minutes, he came back down the stairs chuckling to himself.
“What?” I asked.
“I went to tuck her in, and the first thing she said was, ‘Daddy, can you tell Mommy to put her hair ties on?'”
I laughed. “What did you say?”
“I told her, ‘I think if you just went to sleep, Mommy would be fine.'”
“Oh, but that would be too easy.” I shook my head. “I should probably go smooth things over, huh?”
He smiled. “It wouldn’t hurt.”
So I trudged up the stairs for the last time of the night, hopefully.
I opened the door to her room and stepped on something squishy. I bent over to pick it up. Wilbur the pig.
She’s had this pig since she was a baby, she insists Wilbur is a girl just like her, and it goes with her everywhere. Many a freakout have happened when Wilbur couldn’t be located in time for bedtime, or leaving for the airport, or before sitting down to watch Charlotte’s Web again.
“Hey sweetie,” I said, walking towards the bed. “Why is Wilbur on the floor?”
“Because she’s ruined now. She has markers all over her.” It was dark, but I could hear the grief in her voice.
“Oh,” I said, bending down next to the bed.
As my eyes adjusted to the dark, I brought Wilbur up to my face. “You know what, Bailey?”
“What?”
“These are some really cool tattoos you gave Wilbur.”
“Tattoos?”
“Oh yeah. I don’t know any other pigs with tattoos like this. It makes her absolutely one-of-a-kind.”
She held out her arms, and I tucked Wilbur in under her chin.
Then we were quiet for a few seconds while I played with her hair.
I was about to stand up, but then: “Mommy?”
“What, honey?”
“Do you have your hair ties on?”
I smiled. “No, I don’t.”
“You’re a Super Mommy anyway without them.”
A sudden lump in my throat made it impossible to speak, so I just hugged her for a while.
As it turns out, that 14th trip up the stairs was the charm for Bailey…and for me.
Download Your Free Cheat Sheet
After a negative interaction, you feel the distance between you and your child, but it’s not always easy to know how to close the gap with your child so you both feel loved and connected. Use this cheat sheet to help you bond with your child after those tough moments so you can “earn” back a hair tie.
- Download the free cheat sheet. Join my weekly-ish newsletter and as a bonus, you’ll get the printable! Just click here to download and subscribe.
- Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal.
- Hang your cheat sheet somewhere handy like the fridge. You’ll actually get two versions of the cheat sheet, and you can use them a few different ways:
- For the one that looks like a bingo board on steroids, you can cut out each square and put them in a jar. Then when you need an idea for connecting with your kid, pull out a random idea and do it. Or leave the whole thing intact and pretend you’re playing blackout bingo to see how many you can mark off over the course of a week.
- With the list version, you can use the sections to help you try out a variety of ideas. Personally, I tend to rely heavily on words of connection, and I forget the more physical acts of connection. This version of the cheat sheet helps me remember to mix it up.
Here’s a sneak peek of your printable cheat sheet – first the bingo version:
And here’s the list version:
How to Catch Yourself Before You Lose Your Cool
After my family welcomed our third little one into the mix, we became a family of five with a second-grader, a toddler, and a newborn. Even though I could have used more sleep and way more coffee, we were happy. Then my husband’s paternity leave ended, and I was at home with the kids all day. As time wore on, my patience became razor thin. And one day, I just broke.
The shame burns my cheeks just thinking of that day, even now. But thanks to that experience, I realized I had to make a change. I threw myself into researching how to find happiness in the chaos of parenting. Something beyond “make time for you” and “exercise more.” Because when you’re overwhelmed and at your breaking point, you don’t need the “experts” telling you more stuff to do on top of everything else.
That’s how I discovered the secrets: 10 secrets every parent should know about being happy. After hearing from hundreds of parents in the same boat as me, I knew I needed to share what I discovered. And so I wrote a book: Happy You, Happy Family. In the book, you get a Temper-Taming Toolkit with simple hacks like this to help you keep your cool during those everyday parenting moments that test your patience.
Click here to get your copy plus a bonus workbook and start your journey towards finding more happiness as a parent.
Because the truth is that happiness won’t come from a big promotion at work, or from winning the lottery, or from your kids all learning to put their toys away when they’re done playing. Because eventually, you just get used to all that stuff.
True, lasting happiness comes from a conscious effort by you to put the right habits in place.
Before you go, download my FREE cheat sheet: 75 Positive Phrases Every Child Needs to Hear
Your Turn
What helps you get back on track when you’re feeling like an angry mother? Share in a comment below!
I’m a mom of four, a Certified Parent Educator, and the author of Happy You, Happy Family. I believe if you want to nurture a loving parent-child relationship that will last into the teenage years and beyond, the time for nurturing that kind of relationship is now. As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, download my free cheat sheet of 75 Positive Phrases Every Child Needs to Hear, plus three important pitfalls to avoid when encouraging your child with positive phrases.
Your posts are always so spot on with what I need to hear! I wish I could print them out and share them with my husband (he’d never read a blog) but when I try to print from your site I end up with 20 pages with images and spacing stretching everything out, then all the comments at the end. There are lots of add-ons you can toss into your site to make easily printable version of your posts. Please consider adding one!! Thanks!
Glad to hear this resonated, LeeAnn! Great suggestion on providing a printable version. I’ll add that to my to-do list. :)
I’m currently trying to get this site’s Android bookmark “hack” to work and not having much luck, but they also appear to have a button you can add to your site that creates a printable version on the fly! https://www.printfriendly.com
Agreed!!!! ?
LeeAnn – if you have an app like NoteBook or Clearly – they let you copy the post without all the distractions. I would think you could then print them. Hope this helps.
Copy the text and paste it into a a Word document or other word processor. Then you can edit the layout to your heart’s content. I like to make it as few pages as possible by using narrow margins, smaller font, less spacing between paragraphs… Works like a charm! I copy and paste the url, too.
Thanks for this post. I quite often ‘fly solo’ at bath time, at weekends, due to my husband’s work and other commitments. I’m interested to see if this works for me, especially during pms weeks when my anger really flares.
Sarah, hope this helps you as much as it’s helped me! Keep me posted :)
I have the same issue during the evening and night time hours. I am pretty calm and collected during the daytime, but when it is time my bedtime and my son decides to wake up that’s when my patience is gone. It is hard to keep a level and clear head when your woken up during the night and are all groggy then have to deal with a fussy child. I hope these tips help.
What a great article! Thanks for sharing:) I am off to buy some hair ties should anyone be looking for me…
Glad to hear it resonated, Kendra :) Enjoy your hair tie shopping!
Just to add to get sharpee off stuffed toys saturate the spot w/ rubbing alcohol. Then wash in washing machine or sink. ? Same w/ the carpet. Blot w/ paper towels. We had a similar incident. It works on plastic toys also. My 2 year old got a hold of a sharpee and drew on EVERYTHING!! Lol oh boy. I was just glad to get it off my laminate wood floors. (1 cup each: clear vinegar, blue dawn dish soap and hot water.) scrub down w/ a magic eraser.
Thank you, Jessie! I Googled right after it happened so I used rubbing alcohol on the stuffed animals then threw them in the wash, but it didn’t work for us. Does rubbing alcohol “go bad” maybe? We’ve had our bottle a while. But hopefully your comment will help someone in the same situation!
I’ve used hand sanitizer with sharpie on stuffed animals with great results!
Alcohol comes in different strengths: 50%, 70% and 90%. The 90% works best for ink or sharpie. If you have residual grey sometimes bleach /borax/laundry detergent brushed with an old tooth-brush. Will remove- but as u know- gotta be careful with bleach!
a light baking soda and water paste with soft scrub dish sponge will do the trick
I stumbled on your blog at the perfect time. I’m a grandmother with temporary custody of my 4 year old granddaughter. I find myself getting incredibly frustrated with her and I don’t mean to. In turn, she gets really angry with me and vows not to ever “fix my broken heart”. I read your blog and downloaded your tips. She is my heart and I hate it when I stupidly get frustrated with her for small things that 4 year olds are supposed to do. I do not want to be one of “those” Nana’s whose grandchildren cannot have fun with. Thank you for this… I’m grateful this appeared in my timeline!!!!
Jennifer, I’m so glad this found you at the exact right time that you needed it! I can definitely relate to that guilt over getting frustrated with small things. But after using this trick to get my tone in check, I feel closer than ever to my preschooler. Hoping this brings you the same gift. <3 Happy Mother's Day!
Reading this has me in tears…..of joy, that is. Knowing that Love Always Wins, it’s still hard as an exhausted momma to know how to fight the battles. But this. THIS gives hope! Thank you for sharing this and the sweetness of your little triumphs. Definitely planning on putting those hair ties to the test.
I’m so glad I found your blog on Pinterest. I am a mother of 3yr old twin boys and a 13 yr old boy. There are times I lose my cool because I am so exhausted from my full time job as a hospital boss, being a wife, being a parent and a full time student as well. I find it frustrating that Mom has to lose her cool before anyone really wants to do what I’ve ask to be done the 20 times before. I’m going to try the visual cues you have recommended. As I was reading I was thinking of bracelets or hair ties I already had in our house. Thanks for the great words of encouragement. It is empowering to hear other Mom experience the same things I do.
Thank you so much for this! I know I’ve had much less patience with my 3-year-old after the arrival of our newborn, but I haven’t known what to do (or what I can do) to help “fix” me. I stumbled across this post on Pinterest and this is exactly what I needed! I’m optimistic this will help improve the situation; I love my firstborn so very much and I want my words and attitude towards him to reflect that.
Hi I love the idea of the visual cues. However I hate anything on my wrist, and my husband won’t wear hair ties or bracelets. Do you have any suggestions for 5 alternatives we could possibly use?
What about clothespins or safety pins on some part of your clothes? Move to the other side? Might work better for home than out and about, but it seems like the process would be the same.
Thank you! Totally starting this in the morning.
Love, a mom who really needed to hear these words tonight. ?
I have been having a rough time with my preschooler and I was just talking about how maybe our reactions are causing her reactions which are setting off our reactions last night with hubby. I am going to go get some hair ties and try this out. I also tried clicking on the links for the printables but nothing happened. :-(
omg the way you talk in that first paragraph has been my entire parenthood experience! my kids are horrible at 11 and 8. huh.
Thank you! I read this post yesterday, I prepared the ties right after, put them on this morning and had a very happy and loving day with my four-year-old. The first thing this morning he asked “Mama, why do you have so (!) many hair-ties on your wrist?!” I told him that they were a reminder to myself not to be angry or annoyed with him that often and that they would help us to be happier together. He smiled at me, moved towards me and gave me a strong hug.
Towards the end of the day I had to move one tie to the other arm (for rolling my eyes on something) but it didn’t take me more than a few minutes to be able to move it back and at dinnertime my husband was wondering about all the pleases and thank yous and the wait, I’ll get it for yous from both of us. I had one of the happiest days in a long while. So again: Thank you!
Hi, I am a mother of a toddler and a 4 month old. My husband works out of town most of the week every week. By the evening every day I am usually crying over a combination of guilt, being overwhelmed, toddler whining etc. I am looking forward to trying out this method. Lately I have felt so much shame in the less than prefect mother I have become. Thank you so much for sharing this! I really hope it works for ne too!
I love your theory. And I look forward to this tomorrow morning. I’m a mother of 3. 5 yr old boy who talks back a lot due to the fact that I have no oatience at all. I know they feel me being angry all the time and I hate it. Learning this will help me. I just need to look for ways to bond with them more and be more like this. My middle child is 3. Still potty training. And she’s a tough one. Very suburn but easy to get to. And lastly a 18 month old boy. They pick on him and since he is the youngest my oldest feels as if I love the baby more. But it’s hard to explain to a 5 yr old that he was s baby once and nobody ever picked on him. Advice is always needed. And I love this.
Thank you so much for your post, Though I do not have kids, I struggle in my personal relationship. PTSD has unfortunately made me into someone I do not want to be and I often find myself snapping at people I love. I finally found someone with so much patience and love despite my own flaws, but I want to treat him with the same kindness and respect he gives me. I plan to give this method a try for this! This method could be used as treatment for so many different life struggles!
Wow this is just so good! I have never heard of using hair ties, but I think it’s brilliant! Definitely gonna employ this. Thank you so much for sharing!
I needed this thank you! also ypu can try rubbing alcohol to get off the sharpie it may take a few goes but should work!
Im crying. THANK YOU. can’t wait to try this. As a mom to a 2 y/o and a 5 m/o my toddler ALWAYS gets all the anger and then I absolutely hate myself…. I can’t wait to try this!
Seems promising!
I must try it!
Thanks a lot for sharing. I so needed it.