Inside: If you’ve been feeling unattractive after having a baby, this letter from one mom to her husband will help you learn how to feel good about yourself again.
Can you remember the time we took that vacation to a tropical island? We joked and laughed and drank fruity frozen cocktails. I wore a bikini, and we had sex in the middle of the afternoon.
It seems like forever ago. Before my stretch marks and C-section scar. Before I worried all the time about whether our babies were eating enough vegetables and if they would sleep through the night.
I can almost remember the confidence I had. Just yanking off my pool dress. Tossing it on the chair like I never needed it. I cling to that pool dress now. Like my life depends on it, I cling to that dress. Just like I cling to the memories of that vacation. Of how I felt so free and comfortable in my own skin.
My skin feels different now. Almost unrecognizable. Like I’m stuck in someone else’s body. Someone whose body is out of control.
Mood swings. Loose skin. Hot, then cold, no hot. Very, very hot. Stretch marks. Whose body am I wearing? Why are they so hormonal? And where is my fruity cocktail???
I Didn’t Expect This
I thought I would bounce back. I was young! I was supposed to give birth and hit the beach the next month.
I wasn’t supposed to look like this. Or feel like this.
I was supposed to look like I was 24 again. The same girl you dated for years before we got pregnant. The girl who never cared if we left the lights on.
That girl never came back. She took my confidence. She ran with my flat stomach. She took all the good parts of me, and now she’s gone.
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My Confession to You
I cringe. I cringe sometimes when you try to touch me. When you walk into the bathroom after I shower, I panic.
Don’t look. Don’t see me like this.
I see all those confident moms proud of their “stripes” and of how they look postpartum, but I feel embarrassed. So shy and unsure of myself in the body I was left with.
After two pregnancies. After waking up three times a night for months at a time. Each time, eating a cookie on the way to the nursery because it made me feel better. And I deserved to at least feel a little better if I was missing out on all that sleep.
I was left with a body that won’t fit in any of my designer jeans. Jeans that now crowd the corner of my closet. Jeans I won’t give away because I still have faith in myself.
I still pray the old me comes back. Maybe I’ll wake up one day and see her in the mirror. With her wrinkle-free forehead and perky boobs.
But Then There’s You
Meet the postpartum me. Two times over. This is how I feel.
But you? You tell me otherwise. Day in and day out, you tell me how beautiful I am. How you don’t see the extra 15 pounds. When I eat the entire bag of potato chips, you never judge me. And you never speak a word of my mood swings.
You love me just the same. If not more. You have the confidence in me that I lost. You carefully push me to be the best version of myself. This new version of myself.
And I have to wonder: If you can love her…why can’t I?
That’s where I’m at. Trying to love myself once again. Trying to make this new person the best person. Trying to accept the different parts of me and to appreciate my body for what it has done. It isn’t easy to accept these changes, but I’m trying.
And so I thank you. For loving me. No matter what I look like or how I feel.
Thank you for always thinking I’m the prettiest. The best. The sexiest. Even when I don’t feel like it.
I’m going to work hard on loving myself the way you love me. Because the way you love me is the greatest way of all. That girl with the flat stomach had no idea how lucky she was to have you, but I sure do.
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Your Turn
What helped you when you were feeling unattractive after having a baby? Share in a comment below.
Danielle is a 31-year-old mother of two with one on the way. She spends most of her days elbows deep in washable paint and soapsuds. Her daily to-do list includes channeling her inner Mary Poppins, counting the hours until bedtime, and trying to look like she’s got her act together while doing it all. Follow along at Mini’s Mama.
What helped was accepting that this is the new me. I will never, ever look 24 again. I would have changed even without the two kids, because of aging.
What helped was giving away all my old clothes. Yes, even my favourite dress. Having them kept open that space in my mind that could not accept the change.
Good luck. It is a struggle.
I have to agree giving up my old clothes was helpful. Trying to squeeze into them didn’t looking flattering and hurt my ego. When I started dressing in my size I realized I can still look attractive and find clothes that look flattering on me. But to be honest the shopping part was hard at first. Many times I walked out of the store crying and buying nothing until began starting with me right sizes and not with the ones I thought I should be wearing. It’s a process and I still struggle but now I work out because it’s good for my mental health not because I believe I’ll ever be a size 3 again.
I have to agree that would be great if I could do that I have pretty much had to make the clothes I already had work throughout my pregnancies and still make them work after my pregnancies because I couldn’t afford to go get different clothes it’s been very hard because I’ve been different sizes but my clothes size never changes it’s really discouraging
Beautifully written. I couldn’t agree more. Thank you!
Exactly the way I feel….
Same here
I think it is really important to remember that there are so many couples out there that haven’t been able to have their own children. There are women out there that would chop off their own limbs to be pregnant. It is not right for us that have been blessed to have children of our own to hate our bodies because of what pregnancy has done to them. We should be grateful that we were given the gift of our children; and if that means stretch marks, flabby bellies, saggy boobs, and bigger butts, so be it. It is time that we stop placing value in our appearance. Be the mother that teaches her children that who we are, and how we treat others is what makes us valuable. A great documentary for moms out there feeling down about their bodies is Embrace It. I highly recommend this documentary.
Saying someone shouldn’t feel a certain way for your situation is just silly. People that can’t have babies then should never feel sad because they should just appreciate not having to go through parenting struggles. See…it just sounds dumb. Everyone is entitled to their own emotions.
Jeremy i agree. Im 22 and had my son and can relate to this article . I really can’t believe autums ignorant comment
But thankyou for speaking up! Couldn’t have said it better myself!
Well if you think this is saying something better than you could say it I suggest you say nothing at all then because I’ve nevwr heard anything so stupid in all my life!!!
How dare you compare not being to have children to accepting shallow things like stretch marks. After having 3 round of IVF to conceive my son this comment made me feel physically sick! Whilst I appreciate the changes in your body are not always pleasant they are nothing in comparison to the heartbreak infertility brings to a person!!!
I am sorry for your pain and the struggle. I dont believe this article is comparing them to each other. It is simply talking about how difficult it is to adjust to having a postpartum body. Which IS difficult by the way. Autumn was the one who brought this comparison up (not being able to bear a child vs postpartum body) , and she did so by saying dealing with a postpartum body is shallow and insignificant.
I have always wanted to be a mother, and now i have that blessing. Struggling with my body afterwards has nothing to do with my joy in having a child. Of course i would choose to have my child no matter the cost. That does not mean that the effects of having a child arent there though. I cannot pretend to understand your struggle. So please do not pretend to understand those of us who underwent drastic changes to our bodies. I knew this would happen, but it is always different once it has ACTUALLY happened and you have to deal with it.
My point is simply, do not discredit others struggle if you have not lived it yourself. It might not be what you expected if it does happen to you….
The only thing I think would expand the conversation is survivor pregnancies and mom that surviving childhood abuse no matter how well you’ve coped is associated with higher rate of pregnancy complications, increased likelihood of c-section, increased likelihood of extreme post paratum and pregnancy depression and anxiety. As well as its very common for survivors of childhood abuse often experience retraumatizing experiences and flashbacks while pregnant n sometimes during birth as well as an increased likelihood of dissociation. The thing about being a human is you only truly now the pain you experience, and if you want to be honored i think that comes with humility and a willingness to do the same.
I couldn’t agree more Sydney!! Thank you for standing up! Children are a gift of God and nowhere appearances compare to them!!!! Those who haven’t reached a certain age like let’s say: 50’s (at least, if not less) and have no one to call ‘child’ and enjoy the joyful days of having their ‘ children and grandchildren’ visit, have no ideea what it is like! Just to mention: i am talking about those who WANT children! Not about those who don’t care having. Don’t get me wrong! I get and understand the points in this, the way the lady felt at least, and i am not saying she shouldn’t express her own feelings. I do feel with you, i must say. I don’t believe there are women who didn’t feel down at least a bit after giving birth, or never wished if they could, to have old body back. I know this lovely lady will get there as well, on embracing who she is and through the love her husband shows and gives (sighs..), she is getting stronger and more beautiful, as she already is. She has the right of feeling the way she does. Everyone does.
My comments are not to the writer here, but only to those who say don’t judge this but they judge the other opinions; how sad not to realise the way you’re making the same mistake.
Jeremy I completely agree! Emotions are our individual thoughts and feelings. Just because a woman may feel less confidant after having children does not mean she isn’t grateful to be a Mom! Autumn I disagree we should value our appearance along with treating others with respect and kindness!
I agree Jeremy. Who is to say how women should and shouldn’t feel? It’s not taking away from others emotions, but allowing everyone to have their own. It’s natural to feel down and self conscious after two babies. Your body is a different body. A bit ignorant to say women “shouldn’t” feel a certain way.
I think everyone is entitled to feel the way they do… it doesn’t mean you are taking anything for granted or anyone or less grateful. Life is filled w transitions and each one has “feels” to work through and changes to adapt to.. each person whether they have kids or not.. have a job or lost a job and so on are all fighting their own battles and working through the feels that come w change.. some things in life change you and you have to find your nitch in it all… she is just fine feeling that way.. nothing wrong w working through the feels of finding you again in a huge life changing event..
I couldn’t agree with this comment more. I have a c-section scar from a fibroid op and a horrid tummy. We’ve been unable to have kids yet. You are so lucky to have a body that did such an amazing job of looking after your babies.
Yeah, and I have a C-section scar from my full term stillborn baby. I’m still allowed to feel the way I do.
I’m sorry Jessica, I couldn’t imagine what you have been through!
Thank you Kelsey. It has been a rough road but this July I welcomed my rainbow baby girl. I tell her everyday her brother is in heaven watching over her.
I totally agree with this, after giving birth via emergency c section to my baby girl who was born wearing angel wings, sleeping on the 29.10.2017 and I have all the same feelings and I’am entitled to feel how the hell I want as it’s my body as should every other parent. Hope your doing okay Jessica, sending lots of love x
I struggled with RPL for 2 years. Had 3 miscarriages within a year and all before I turned 26. After the second MC, I was not confident or comfortable in my own skin. And I knew it was okay. Being told “at least you can get pregnant” didn’t make anything easier. I understand you saying women should be thankful to have the bodies they do after have children. But it’s okay to struggle with accepting the changes. We are only human. Nobody should ever feel bad or guilty just because others struggle with having children.
I lost our first baby at 19 week, and another a couple months after that and with prayers had our rainbow baby last April. That doesn’t change the fact that I had body issues. I’ve always been tiny and am still getting use to my new body. I don’t even like my husband to look at me when I’m naked sometimes. Still thankful for my baby and praying for more. Just a new mommy learning to love her new skin, but still wouldn’t mind a flatter tummy and I feel I have the right for those feelings.
Thank u ?
Autumn,
While I can appreciate where you are coming from and yes, there are those woman who can not conceive. I think all of us have 100% sympathy for them. With that being said that was not the point of this admission. This was not about being a Mom. This was about being a woman and wife, but mostly just a woman. This was literally the mirror with two faces. The 24 year old in our head that we still identify with and then there is the 40 year old us. That we see looking back at us and we don’t recognize her. We are wondering where we went? Who are we as an individual? Not a Mom. As a woman, a girl, a sexual being! If you can recognize yourself.(still after kids and career and all those things that play a roll in changing us. Not changing us in a bad way or that we are not grateful for the children we are blessed with. ) I say to you that your lucky and maybe more evolved then the rest of us. I say great, good for you here is your pat on the back and I will even throw you an at a girl! Just know before you decide to make a closed minded comment to a brave woman willing to put her shit out there in hopes of making a connection with someone who feels the same or to let others know we are not alone in this feeling. Maybe you should just continue to scroll.
That’s unfair to say moms who can have babies shouldn’t feel this way! As a mother who has been blessed with babies and has also suffered through infertility and baby loss, I still feel these things about my body. Support- not condemnation- is all anyone deserves. Be careful how you express your opinions. You have every right to them- but you don’t have to verbalize every one.
What’s not right is for you to condemn other women and their feelings. This is very real and society is the biggest contender making women feel this way after we have babies. I am so beyond grateful for my children. I’d give any and all limbs to protect them from everything. But I can’t. So instead I will be open and honest with them about the changes people go through an that it’s okay to feel out of sorts. It’s not about appearance, did you read the article? It’s about learning to love oneself again and learning how to adapt to the changes our bodies go through. I don’t even care about my mommy sag or my stretch marks, but my body is so different and I “feel” completely foreign.
What a selfish response. Sorry you can’t have kids, but that does NOT mean those who can should feel any particular way bc of your lack of children…. Wtf
Wow! I never looked at it that way. I’ve been so depressed and I hate my body after having 4 kiddos. Thank you for your wise words. Thank you!
Oh wow! It kinda felt like someone wrote part of my mind. Oh my old body! I did at one point got it back (just a wider version) but I feel like there’s something hormonal going on. But oh my amazing husband!!! He only noticed one time that I was huge because we both saw a picture and I pointed out tge reality but he told me he never noticed, he’s very attracted to me and he still enjoys the lights on and taking showers with me? I am working hard to stay healthy and if on the process I get some of the sexines back hey I won’t complain but I am greatful that he loves ME not only my body but the entire me. Praise God for real mrn like ours!!!
Grest article, loved it.
(I’m 31 and have 3 boys with my high school sweetheart)
I cried reading this, its the exact same for me, two kids but I am 24. Not in body but in age. My husband does this same but I struggle to see it. Very inspiring for me Thank you for sharing
What helped me was seeing past me and looking to my son. I may not be happy with what the outcome of my body is right now but look at what we got out of it. My amazing one year old son who can never sit still, who loves getting dirty, who randomly gives us kisses just because, and because in his eyes I am perfect. So I fix my eyes on him. Your body is something that can be changed (with diet and exercise) or not lol but the miracle of son that I have is just something amazing and is what keeps me going.
I loved your post . it was beautifully written. But I felt that you haven’t seen it all. You’re still young. When you’re a bit older and you’re like a yo yo diet kind of person, than you shall cry…. the positive part is having a loving you no matter what husband, or a ì shall stick with you forever one, that will admire you when you’re thin or fat. Always with scratch marks. Sorry for my English. But I just felt you should know that there’s good guys out there, who are awesome dads and that will love you forever.
At 35, I now have 5 handsome and amazing sons, the youngest being almost 6 months. I struggle everyday to see past the new changes in my body. Its so hard, and very few seem to understand. After my older 4 boys, I stayed confident with my body, but I was so much younger (there are 9 years between my younger two boys) everyday tho, I make it a point to wear something that makes me feel ‘pretty’ again, some days its a piece of jewelry, some days its makeup, and other days its a pair of jeans or a certain shirt. And everyday it is something different that makes me feel good about my physical appearance.
And like so many of you, I have am amazing man who doesn’t see the imperfections that seem to scream at me, but even his sincerest compliments don’t always help. As I continue to tell myself, ‘I am a work in progress’ I will,love my body again, in time.
Thank you. This so eloquently articulated everything I feel.
Going through the same thing. And in our culture, apart from Husband there are plenty of other people in family who would always remind you about the same,, I hope I get strength to deal with it soon..
I never looked “good” in the first place. And still after 18 years of marriage to an amazing man and 6 children, I’ve NEVER felt good in my skin. I won’t EVER be the woman who feels good in my skin, at least in the worlds perspective of “beautiful”. But…
Christ loved me and gave Himself for me. That’s all I’ve ever needed. He wants me to be healthy, but He doesn’t ask me to be what anyone else thinks I should look like or be like. I just cry, “thank you Jesus, for loving me as I am and making me more like you day by day.” That is the best gift ever and it is the truest peace and freedom only He can give.
You are absolutely right! I have had 2 babies and am only 23. When i read this post it was me all the way . Before kids i was totally confident, after completely insecure. But u r right. Jesus loves me! He sees me for who i am on the inside. I may not look like a super model but he has plans for me and he has blessed me in so many ways!
Amen! We find our value and identity in our savior Jesus Christ not in the world!
Bless you
This hit home! After three beautiful children and one miscarriage my body has planty of stretch marks and i certainly dont have the boobs i once did….my body screams babies….but i know i am beyond blessed….but my wonderful husband tells me daily how much he loves me and how beautiful i am to him and times he tells me how lucky he is to have me….someday i hope i can feel better in the skin i. Now have !!!
I’ve only had one baby and I’ve really struggled with my new body. Every time I feel like shaming myself I try to pray that I would see my body as God does and as my husband does. I pray that I would see the beauty in the stretch marks and the beauty in the sagginess. I know my body is not the same, but I’m thankful that it was through my body that God gave me my son. I hope you find peace and joy in the beauty that is your body. I’ll be praying for yoy.
Thank you for saying out loud what I’ve been struggling with since my 2nd baby was born 5 months ago. I pray that one day I can feel good about me as just me, not me the mom or me the employee. Thanks again.
From postpartum on to menopause. I was able to pull it together about 16 yrs after my 1 st was born but then menopause hit (way early 34) and my dad died. Back to that girl looking in the mirror trying to find herself again. Hiding from my husband.
Such a tough place sometimes but there is always HOPE.
Another great article.
Thank you so much for sharing.
This touched my heart. As mothers, we experienced a lot of changes in our body but the love of our husbands and kids will make it all worth it.
This sheds an incredibly negative light on being a woman and a Mom, and reinforces all the insecurities that society makes us believe about our bodies. This was horribly discouraging to read as an 8 month pregnant woman with her first child. I’ve been made to feel insecure about about my body throughout my entire pregnancy. I’m excited to be pregnant and love the absolutely incredible things that my body is capable of, and people take those positive feelings away from me everyday with their insensitive comments and negative reactions to how I’m changing. It’s heartbreaking to read something like this and realize that’s not going to change after I have the baby, or anytime in the near future.
For me the hardest part about post partum wasn’t getting used to the new body, but the mental toll that sleep deprivation and hormones place on a new parent. I found spending more time outside, just soaking in the sun was the best medicine for me. When I couldn’t get sun a vitamin D supplement was the next best thing.