To My Husband, After I’ve Had Babies
Can you remember the time we took that vacation to a tropical island? We joked and laughed and drank fruity frozen cocktails. I wore a bikini, and we had sex in the middle of the afternoon.
It seems like forever ago. Before my stretch marks and C-section scar. Before I worried all the time about whether our babies were eating enough vegetables and if they would sleep through the night.
I can almost remember the confidence I had. Just yanking off my pool dress. Tossing it on the chair like I never needed it. I cling to that pool dress now. Like my life depends on it, I cling to that dress. Just like I cling to the memories of that vacation. Of how I felt so free and comfortable in my own skin.
My skin feels different now. Almost unrecognizable. Like I’m stuck in someone else’s body. Someone whose body is out of control.
Mood swings. Loose skin. Hot, then cold, no hot. Very, very hot. Stretch marks. Whose body am I wearing? Why are they so hormonal? And where is my fruity cocktail???
I Didn’t Expect This
I thought I would bounce back. I was young! I was supposed to give birth and hit the beach the next month.
I wasn’t supposed to look like this. Or feel like this.
I was supposed to look like I was 24 again. The same girl you dated for years before we got pregnant. The girl who never cared if we left the lights on.
That girl never came back. She took my confidence. She ran with my flat stomach. She took all the good parts of me, and now she’s gone.
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My Confession to You
I cringe. I cringe sometimes when you try to touch me. When you walk into the bathroom after I shower, I panic.
Don’t look. Don’t see me like this.
I see all those confident moms proud of their “stripes” and of how they look postpartum, but I feel embarrassed. So shy and unsure of myself in the body I was left with.
After two pregnancies. After waking up three times a night for months at a time. Each time, eating a cookie on the way to the nursery because it made me feel better. And I deserved to at least feel a little better if I was missing out on all that sleep.
I was left with a body that won’t fit in any of my designer jeans. Jeans that now crowd the corner of my closet. Jeans I won’t give away because I still have faith in myself.
I still pray the old me comes back. Maybe I’ll wake up one day and see her in the mirror. With her wrinkle-free forehead and perky boobs.
But Then There’s You
Meet the postpartum me. Two times over. This is how I feel.
But you? You tell me otherwise. Day in and day out, you tell me how beautiful I am. How you don’t see the extra 15 pounds. When I eat the entire bag of potato chips, you never judge me. And you never speak a word of my mood swings.
You love me just the same. If not more. You have the confidence in me that I lost. You carefully push me to be the best version of myself. This new version of myself.
And I have to wonder: If you can love her…why can’t I?
That’s where I’m at. Trying to love myself once again. Trying to make this new person the best person. Trying to accept the different parts of me and to appreciate my body for what it has done. It isn’t easy to accept these changes, but I’m trying.
And so I thank you. For loving me. No matter what I look like or how I feel.
Thank you for always thinking I’m the prettiest. The best. The sexiest. Even when I don’t feel like it.
I’m going to work hard on loving myself the way you love me. Because the way you love me is the greatest way of all. That girl with the flat stomach had no idea how lucky she was to have you, but I sure do.
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Your Turn
What helped you when you were feeling unattractive after having a baby? Share in a comment below.
What helped was accepting that this is the new me. I will never, ever look 24 again. I would have changed even without the two kids, because of aging.
What helped was giving away all my old clothes. Yes, even my favourite dress. Having them kept open that space in my mind that could not accept the change.
Good luck. It is a struggle.
I have to agree giving up my old clothes was helpful. Trying to squeeze into them didn’t looking flattering and hurt my ego. When I started dressing in my size I realized I can still look attractive and find clothes that look flattering on me. But to be honest the shopping part was hard at first. Many times I walked out of the store crying and buying nothing until began starting with me right sizes and not with the ones I thought I should be wearing. It’s a process and I still struggle but now I work out because it’s good for my mental health not because I believe I’ll ever be a size 3 again.
I have to agree that would be great if I could do that I have pretty much had to make the clothes I already had work throughout my pregnancies and still make them work after my pregnancies because I couldn’t afford to go get different clothes it’s been very hard because I’ve been different sizes but my clothes size never changes it’s really discouraging
Beautifully written. I couldn’t agree more. Thank you!
Exactly the way I feel….
Same here
I think it is really important to remember that there are so many couples out there that haven’t been able to have their own children. There are women out there that would chop off their own limbs to be pregnant. It is not right for us that have been blessed to have children of our own to hate our bodies because of what pregnancy has done to them. We should be grateful that we were given the gift of our children; and if that means stretch marks, flabby bellies, saggy boobs, and bigger butts, so be it. It is time that we stop placing value in our appearance. Be the mother that teaches her children that who we are, and how we treat others is what makes us valuable. A great documentary for moms out there feeling down about their bodies is Embrace It. I highly recommend this documentary.
Saying someone shouldn’t feel a certain way for your situation is just silly. People that can’t have babies then should never feel sad because they should just appreciate not having to go through parenting struggles. See…it just sounds dumb. Everyone is entitled to their own emotions.
Jeremy i agree. Im 22 and had my son and can relate to this article . I really can’t believe autums ignorant comment
But thankyou for speaking up! Couldn’t have said it better myself!
Well if you think this is saying something better than you could say it I suggest you say nothing at all then because I’ve nevwr heard anything so stupid in all my life!!!
How dare you compare not being to have children to accepting shallow things like stretch marks. After having 3 round of IVF to conceive my son this comment made me feel physically sick! Whilst I appreciate the changes in your body are not always pleasant they are nothing in comparison to the heartbreak infertility brings to a person!!!
I am sorry for your pain and the struggle. I dont believe this article is comparing them to each other. It is simply talking about how difficult it is to adjust to having a postpartum body. Which IS difficult by the way. Autumn was the one who brought this comparison up (not being able to bear a child vs postpartum body) , and she did so by saying dealing with a postpartum body is shallow and insignificant.
I have always wanted to be a mother, and now i have that blessing. Struggling with my body afterwards has nothing to do with my joy in having a child. Of course i would choose to have my child no matter the cost. That does not mean that the effects of having a child arent there though. I cannot pretend to understand your struggle. So please do not pretend to understand those of us who underwent drastic changes to our bodies. I knew this would happen, but it is always different once it has ACTUALLY happened and you have to deal with it.
My point is simply, do not discredit others struggle if you have not lived it yourself. It might not be what you expected if it does happen to you….
The only thing I think would expand the conversation is survivor pregnancies and mom that surviving childhood abuse no matter how well you’ve coped is associated with higher rate of pregnancy complications, increased likelihood of c-section, increased likelihood of extreme post paratum and pregnancy depression and anxiety. As well as its very common for survivors of childhood abuse often experience retraumatizing experiences and flashbacks while pregnant n sometimes during birth as well as an increased likelihood of dissociation. The thing about being a human is you only truly now the pain you experience, and if you want to be honored i think that comes with humility and a willingness to do the same.
I couldn’t agree more Sydney!! Thank you for standing up! Children are a gift of God and nowhere appearances compare to them!!!! Those who haven’t reached a certain age like let’s say: 50’s (at least, if not less) and have no one to call ‘child’ and enjoy the joyful days of having their ‘ children and grandchildren’ visit, have no ideea what it is like! Just to mention: i am talking about those who WANT children! Not about those who don’t care having. Don’t get me wrong! I get and understand the points in this, the way the lady felt at least, and i am not saying she shouldn’t express her own feelings. I do feel with you, i must say. I don’t believe there are women who didn’t feel down at least a bit after giving birth, or never wished if they could, to have old body back. I know this lovely lady will get there as well, on embracing who she is and through the love her husband shows and gives (sighs..), she is getting stronger and more beautiful, as she already is. She has the right of feeling the way she does. Everyone does.
My comments are not to the writer here, but only to those who say don’t judge this but they judge the other opinions; how sad not to realise the way you’re making the same mistake.
We all have struggles whether it be we can’t have kids or don’t like our bodies or suffer with postnatal depression.. noone knows what someone else is feeling so stop comparing totally!!!
Jeremy I completely agree! Emotions are our individual thoughts and feelings. Just because a woman may feel less confidant after having children does not mean she isn’t grateful to be a Mom! Autumn I disagree we should value our appearance along with treating others with respect and kindness!
I agree Jeremy. Who is to say how women should and shouldn’t feel? It’s not taking away from others emotions, but allowing everyone to have their own. It’s natural to feel down and self conscious after two babies. Your body is a different body. A bit ignorant to say women “shouldn’t” feel a certain way.
I think everyone is entitled to feel the way they do… it doesn’t mean you are taking anything for granted or anyone or less grateful. Life is filled w transitions and each one has “feels” to work through and changes to adapt to.. each person whether they have kids or not.. have a job or lost a job and so on are all fighting their own battles and working through the feels that come w change.. some things in life change you and you have to find your nitch in it all… she is just fine feeling that way.. nothing wrong w working through the feels of finding you again in a huge life changing event..
I couldn’t agree with this comment more. I have a c-section scar from a fibroid op and a horrid tummy. We’ve been unable to have kids yet. You are so lucky to have a body that did such an amazing job of looking after your babies.
Yeah, and I have a C-section scar from my full term stillborn baby. I’m still allowed to feel the way I do.
I’m sorry Jessica, I couldn’t imagine what you have been through!
Thank you Kelsey. It has been a rough road but this July I welcomed my rainbow baby girl. I tell her everyday her brother is in heaven watching over her.
I totally agree with this, after giving birth via emergency c section to my baby girl who was born wearing angel wings, sleeping on the 29.10.2017 and I have all the same feelings and I’am entitled to feel how the hell I want as it’s my body as should every other parent. Hope your doing okay Jessica, sending lots of love x
I struggled with RPL for 2 years. Had 3 miscarriages within a year and all before I turned 26. After the second MC, I was not confident or comfortable in my own skin. And I knew it was okay. Being told “at least you can get pregnant” didn’t make anything easier. I understand you saying women should be thankful to have the bodies they do after have children. But it’s okay to struggle with accepting the changes. We are only human. Nobody should ever feel bad or guilty just because others struggle with having children.
I lost our first baby at 19 week, and another a couple months after that and with prayers had our rainbow baby last April. That doesn’t change the fact that I had body issues. I’ve always been tiny and am still getting use to my new body. I don’t even like my husband to look at me when I’m naked sometimes. Still thankful for my baby and praying for more. Just a new mommy learning to love her new skin, but still wouldn’t mind a flatter tummy and I feel I have the right for those feelings.
Thank u ?
Autumn,
While I can appreciate where you are coming from and yes, there are those woman who can not conceive. I think all of us have 100% sympathy for them. With that being said that was not the point of this admission. This was not about being a Mom. This was about being a woman and wife, but mostly just a woman. This was literally the mirror with two faces. The 24 year old in our head that we still identify with and then there is the 40 year old us. That we see looking back at us and we don’t recognize her. We are wondering where we went? Who are we as an individual? Not a Mom. As a woman, a girl, a sexual being! If you can recognize yourself.(still after kids and career and all those things that play a roll in changing us. Not changing us in a bad way or that we are not grateful for the children we are blessed with. ) I say to you that your lucky and maybe more evolved then the rest of us. I say great, good for you here is your pat on the back and I will even throw you an at a girl! Just know before you decide to make a closed minded comment to a brave woman willing to put her shit out there in hopes of making a connection with someone who feels the same or to let others know we are not alone in this feeling. Maybe you should just continue to scroll.
That’s unfair to say moms who can have babies shouldn’t feel this way! As a mother who has been blessed with babies and has also suffered through infertility and baby loss, I still feel these things about my body. Support- not condemnation- is all anyone deserves. Be careful how you express your opinions. You have every right to them- but you don’t have to verbalize every one.
What’s not right is for you to condemn other women and their feelings. This is very real and society is the biggest contender making women feel this way after we have babies. I am so beyond grateful for my children. I’d give any and all limbs to protect them from everything. But I can’t. So instead I will be open and honest with them about the changes people go through an that it’s okay to feel out of sorts. It’s not about appearance, did you read the article? It’s about learning to love oneself again and learning how to adapt to the changes our bodies go through. I don’t even care about my mommy sag or my stretch marks, but my body is so different and I “feel” completely foreign.
What a selfish response. Sorry you can’t have kids, but that does NOT mean those who can should feel any particular way bc of your lack of children…. Wtf
Wow! I never looked at it that way. I’ve been so depressed and I hate my body after having 4 kiddos. Thank you for your wise words. Thank you!
Seriously I don’t not get it. Why there is so many minuses under this comment? What I think Autumn means that instead of being super sad about our new bodies, and new feelings, we must see good things – kids, opportunity to make them good people. Nothing is wrong about that.
Everyone’s feelings are valid! (Coming from a woman with no children!)
Oh wow! It kinda felt like someone wrote part of my mind. Oh my old body! I did at one point got it back (just a wider version) but I feel like there’s something hormonal going on. But oh my amazing husband!!! He only noticed one time that I was huge because we both saw a picture and I pointed out tge reality but he told me he never noticed, he’s very attracted to me and he still enjoys the lights on and taking showers with me? I am working hard to stay healthy and if on the process I get some of the sexines back hey I won’t complain but I am greatful that he loves ME not only my body but the entire me. Praise God for real mrn like ours!!!
Grest article, loved it.
(I’m 31 and have 3 boys with my high school sweetheart)
I cried reading this, its the exact same for me, two kids but I am 24. Not in body but in age. My husband does this same but I struggle to see it. Very inspiring for me Thank you for sharing
What helped me was seeing past me and looking to my son. I may not be happy with what the outcome of my body is right now but look at what we got out of it. My amazing one year old son who can never sit still, who loves getting dirty, who randomly gives us kisses just because, and because in his eyes I am perfect. So I fix my eyes on him. Your body is something that can be changed (with diet and exercise) or not lol but the miracle of son that I have is just something amazing and is what keeps me going.
I loved your post . it was beautifully written. But I felt that you haven’t seen it all. You’re still young. When you’re a bit older and you’re like a yo yo diet kind of person, than you shall cry…. the positive part is having a loving you no matter what husband, or a ì shall stick with you forever one, that will admire you when you’re thin or fat. Always with scratch marks. Sorry for my English. But I just felt you should know that there’s good guys out there, who are awesome dads and that will love you forever.
At 35, I now have 5 handsome and amazing sons, the youngest being almost 6 months. I struggle everyday to see past the new changes in my body. Its so hard, and very few seem to understand. After my older 4 boys, I stayed confident with my body, but I was so much younger (there are 9 years between my younger two boys) everyday tho, I make it a point to wear something that makes me feel ‘pretty’ again, some days its a piece of jewelry, some days its makeup, and other days its a pair of jeans or a certain shirt. And everyday it is something different that makes me feel good about my physical appearance.
And like so many of you, I have am amazing man who doesn’t see the imperfections that seem to scream at me, but even his sincerest compliments don’t always help. As I continue to tell myself, ‘I am a work in progress’ I will,love my body again, in time.
Thank you. This so eloquently articulated everything I feel.
Going through the same thing. And in our culture, apart from Husband there are plenty of other people in family who would always remind you about the same,, I hope I get strength to deal with it soon..
I never looked “good” in the first place. And still after 18 years of marriage to an amazing man and 6 children, I’ve NEVER felt good in my skin. I won’t EVER be the woman who feels good in my skin, at least in the worlds perspective of “beautiful”. But…
Christ loved me and gave Himself for me. That’s all I’ve ever needed. He wants me to be healthy, but He doesn’t ask me to be what anyone else thinks I should look like or be like. I just cry, “thank you Jesus, for loving me as I am and making me more like you day by day.” That is the best gift ever and it is the truest peace and freedom only He can give.
You are absolutely right! I have had 2 babies and am only 23. When i read this post it was me all the way . Before kids i was totally confident, after completely insecure. But u r right. Jesus loves me! He sees me for who i am on the inside. I may not look like a super model but he has plans for me and he has blessed me in so many ways!
Amen! We find our value and identity in our savior Jesus Christ not in the world!
Bless you
This hit home! After three beautiful children and one miscarriage my body has planty of stretch marks and i certainly dont have the boobs i once did….my body screams babies….but i know i am beyond blessed….but my wonderful husband tells me daily how much he loves me and how beautiful i am to him and times he tells me how lucky he is to have me….someday i hope i can feel better in the skin i. Now have !!!
I’ve only had one baby and I’ve really struggled with my new body. Every time I feel like shaming myself I try to pray that I would see my body as God does and as my husband does. I pray that I would see the beauty in the stretch marks and the beauty in the sagginess. I know my body is not the same, but I’m thankful that it was through my body that God gave me my son. I hope you find peace and joy in the beauty that is your body. I’ll be praying for yoy.
Thank you for saying out loud what I’ve been struggling with since my 2nd baby was born 5 months ago. I pray that one day I can feel good about me as just me, not me the mom or me the employee. Thanks again.
From postpartum on to menopause. I was able to pull it together about 16 yrs after my 1 st was born but then menopause hit (way early 34) and my dad died. Back to that girl looking in the mirror trying to find herself again. Hiding from my husband.
Such a tough place sometimes but there is always HOPE.
Another great article.
Thank you so much for sharing.
This touched my heart. As mothers, we experienced a lot of changes in our body but the love of our husbands and kids will make it all worth it.
This sheds an incredibly negative light on being a woman and a Mom, and reinforces all the insecurities that society makes us believe about our bodies. This was horribly discouraging to read as an 8 month pregnant woman with her first child. I’ve been made to feel insecure about about my body throughout my entire pregnancy. I’m excited to be pregnant and love the absolutely incredible things that my body is capable of, and people take those positive feelings away from me everyday with their insensitive comments and negative reactions to how I’m changing. It’s heartbreaking to read something like this and realize that’s not going to change after I have the baby, or anytime in the near future.
For me the hardest part about post partum wasn’t getting used to the new body, but the mental toll that sleep deprivation and hormones place on a new parent. I found spending more time outside, just soaking in the sun was the best medicine for me. When I couldn’t get sun a vitamin D supplement was the next best thing.
Thanks for expressing it, I started crying halfway. It’s been a on and off, frustrating journey to get back to a healthy balance.
I got no one sometimes not even myself .. Im still feeling ugly im 21 and i just had my 2nd girl shes 9 months first girl os 2 years now my body is hideous and all i do os eat my worries away my bf is slowly pulling away from me he slipped and said i should go to a gym for fun n it killed me. I sometimes feel like. Im dead inside
I’m sorry to hear that. That was a rude comment. My bf is an asshole sometimes.. But not about my weight. You just don’t go there. But that should motivate you even more to make changes. If he loves you he should be helping you to feel better.
What helped me a little was finally going to the store and figuring out what my new clothing size was and ordering new work clothes. I’m so excited to go to work on Monday. Do you want to know why? Because I won’t be wearing maternity clothes. My baby girl is 7 Months but I’ve had no time to really get new work clothes that fit me since my old clothes are two size too small. Im embracing my new body. Slowly but surely.
My wife sent me this as a message, so I want to thank you for effectively communicating for thousands of women by sharing your true and raw feelings with the world.
Here is what I’d say to my wife and what I think many men would say as well. I know you work extremely hard to raise and care for our beautiful miracle babies, I know they are crazy with their moods and their getting to comfortable with their own emotions as children. I promise you that I don’t discount your hard work ever, even when at times after a long day ourselves at the office or a long week on a business trip building our kids college funds and our retirements so that maybe one day when we are empty nesters and in-between grandkids school programs we too can find time to go find those vacations again like from our spontaneous youth. Honey I want you to know I love you all of you and unlike when we first met when you felt like you had to dress up for me for a date you don’t. I’m sorry if I don’t notice your hair cut, or if I dont compliment you enough on the way you look, I’ll make sure to do better. Your amazing all of you, I don’t need you to dress up or worry about your hair or the makeup, or the fact you might smell like baby throw up. I didn’t fall in love with your looks when we dated, yes you used those to land the fish, but I love you because you looked so cute at the hospital after the accident you were in and the airbag hit you in the face. Swollen and burned you looked beautiful that you were alive and your friend Mandi too. I loved you when you were super sick and I held your hair and defended you in a strangers bathroom while people looked and laughed that you were sick. I loved you even more when you were 9 months pregnant and we had to go home from the hospital the 3rd time because baby wasn’t ready yet to come out. So as you waddled 2 miles to your parents it was love as we held hand hoping a walk would get him to come out. I loved you when we pushed 12 hours and I loved you when I thought I may loose you in the birthing room.
Here is the biggest part though if you don’t see this and how much I love you too the point that after a long day for me too you need to run out to get some alone time at Ross or Kohl’s and leave me with the kids then come home to say your too tired and I can’t even get 25 minutes to have a conversation with my wife because we are both stuck in our phones then that’s an issue! All I want is a dang hug or to sit on the couch with the kids and cuddle as a family. I don’t need sex like you think I might but I do need human interaction with my wife the woman that I fell in love with way more then her looks. I’m asking you women out there please don’t misunderstand what we really want because it’s not just sex, sometimes it seems that way because the only time we hug or kiss is on our birthdays or occasionally in foreplay promise it wouldn’t feel that way if you would let us touch you and be more passionate and romantic with out feeling like we are just trying to get you in a mood. I love you babe so so much! Hope you really know that.
All. Of. This. I’m currently pregnant with baby number 3 who was quite the surprise! The cute 20 something body I once had is a distant memory yet my husband tells me daily how beautiful I am! Thanks for putting yourself out there and saying so much of what many moms (like me) are thinking but don’t have the guts to say!
Truthfully I battled with self confidence post babies for 2 years. I had the mound of jeans and cute shirts that I wanted to fit into again. A couple months ago I decided to purge my closet. I got rid of everything that didn’t fit (except 2 pairs of jeans a size below what I’m currently in), I didn’t like anymore or just didn’t flatter me. I had a pile that came to my waist. I feel so much better about myself because every option I have in my closet looks good on me and I don’t have to go through all the items that make me feel fat for not fitting in them anymore. It has been very liberating. I still need to lose some weight but my weight isn’t constantly on my mind anymore!
Made me cry as I read it out loud to my husband because of how accurate it was to how I have felt. Ty
I just had baby boy #2 via csection and I just cried after reading this! I can relate to it all!! I am so unbelievably lucky and blessed to have the amazing husband God have me!!
Thank you so much for this I cried and cried cuz I feel so much this way, I’m 25 and about to have my 4th kid. My bodies a mess and yet my husband loves every bit of me. It’s so hard some times to believe him but he always reassured me. But thanks so much for ur post.
This made me cry. Thank you for sharing
This made me cry. Thank you for sharing.
I didn’t have an amazing body before I got pregnant but I was happy and confident with what I had. Now my belly is saggy with tiger stripes and my boobs are definitely not perky anymore. I am unhappy with the way I look right now but would I change any of it? Absolutely not! What helps me to appreciate what my body did to bring my beautiful daughter into the world is thinking about why I look like I do. When I think of my saggy belly I think of my baby rolling around in my tummy late at night, getting hiccups that lasted forever, and jabbing her cute little toes into my ribs. When I look at my saggy boobs I remember when they were so full of milk it was almost painful and my daughter crying out to be fed and I was the only one who could give her what she wanted. The reality is yeah I’m definitely not happy with the way my body looks but I’m so proud of my body for what it did and hopefully will do again!
I’m in tears because this is so me. And him. You put it so well, and I wanted to thank you for helping put these emotions into words that I can now share with my husband. I’m pregnant with our second child and I crave that tan, carefree girl with long hair, perky boobs, and a drink in her hand. Here’s the only thing that has helped me: that girl had problems too. She was insecure, she was naive, she was immature, and though she was beautiful, I idealize her. The idea of her is much more glamorous than the real her. I don’t want to be her. I want to be better than her. And though I too cringe when my husband grabs my butt or calls me beautiful, I know that one day, I will accept those words once again. The power is in me to feel like this new me is even more badass than that girl was. And I know it can be done. Because you know what’s even better than being a hot young girl with no kids? A hot young girl who’s just as carefree WITH kids. Our children make us live our lives with a great purpose, but that doesn’t mean they’re our only purpose for us to live. I wish you the best in your journey to love yourself. We’re all capable.??
What a beautiful essay! I am sure most women can totally relate! My girls are now women and I am a proud grandma to two little grandsons. If I could talk to that version of myself after giving birth, I would tell myself to make friends with the new you…the you that made it possible to bring those beautiful children into the world! What you need to remember is that there are going to be different versions of yourself as you age. The once unlined skin on your face will start showing wrinkles, or any other of the many things that we go through as human beings as we age. It is the love in our heart that emits the sexiness to your husband. The way he sees you show your love to your kids and family will forever be in his heart. When you form an acceptance of what comes your way at each curve on this road of life and realize YOU are the one who holds the power of confidence and love of yourself then you will enjoy and relish your life so much more than you ever imagined. You’ll radiate that love of yourself to everyone, but especially, to your family.
I love this with all of my heart! ? Thank you for this!!!!
To my wife, after you’ve had my babies. Thankful doesn’t even begin to describe what I am after you’ve given me the greatest gift known to mankind. The time I spend at work babysitting grown men, doesn’t hold a candle to the hours you spend elbows deep in finger paint or rocking him in the chair. You are the anchor of our family, the lighthouse in the stormy seas. Your determination to make our family grow and prosper would inspire even the hardest of men. Your body is a temple. A temple that tells a story of greatness and of selflessness. Your body could never be more beautiful to me, than it is right now. I have dedicated my life to you and our family. To have and to hold, in sickness and health. Your happiness drives me to be a better man and a better father. If you want to change, then I will change with you, by your side, not behind you, not in front. I will be next to you, holding your hand ensuring that you know I am in it for you. We may be husband and wife, but you are my best friend. We husbands will love you and cherish you no matter the severity of the storm. We will weather it together. So help me God, you will not be alone. Have faith my love, your happiness is my inspiration.
Validation. You nailed the feeling. I have a 18 mo and 1 on the way. I swore I’d lose the weight before #2. ? I’ve purchased larger things to try to accept my skin and put old stuff in bins out of sight so it doesn’t depress me to look at it. I will get back to being healthy and fit- which is hopefully still also attractive. I hate looking at pictures but I want to be present. I think back to those days of “gosh I could really drop another 5 lbs” and I’d kill to be back there. I’m also, of course, beyond grateful for my growing family. Thanks!
I have never been tiny at all. I am now a mom of four kids and wouldn’t change it for the millions in the universe. I am 31 and do not accept what I look like after the kids for nothing I feel n look horrible or at least that’s what I think but when I think I about I don’t think it’s bc of my pregnancies I just think it’s a matter of me not doing something about it. Yes I know that after a pregnancy your body is never the same but if we wanted to we could do something to help us feel better. That’s a choice we have I honestly feel so bad in my body that half of the times when my hubby n I are going on a date or anything I’ll just make up anything so we don’t go bc how uncomfortable I feel when I’m dressed hmmm not to say when I’m not dressed. But u know after so much o have gone through in the last 6 yrs I’m to the point that I could care less now. I try to find ways to think different but I haven’t been able to. I don’t know I think is just a matter of accepting yourself!!!
I was only 18 when i had my first daughter i now have a scar where they had to take her by emergency c section because she was born at 28 weeks then a month later found out i was pregnant with my second daughter. My stretch marks are horrible im not in a size 5 pant any more i feel fat all the time i feel embarrassed for my husband to look at me,but yet he still tells me im beautiful even tho im not that 115 pound girl he started dating 3 years ago and then married.
I wish I could feel like my husband loves my body more than I do. Unfortunately, after 4 babies and 14 years, he one day decided he was more attracted to a woman 10 years younger then myself that he met while out getting groceries. I was home taking care of his children and insecure about my body while he was having an exciting fling with someone else and acting like I didn’t even exist while doing it. Experts say affairs have nothing to do with the spouse, but I have a hard time with that. She was complete opposite of me and her body was not completely ruined by children and stressed out by the day to day of taking care of a family. If your husband loves every part of you no matter what and lifts you up on your worst days, consider yourself a lucky woman.
I am SO sorry ?, this is happening to me too, and was my worst nightmare
My after baby body, as most women’s aren’t again…were never going to be perfect; I always knew that from always having so much surgery as a child, Not being able to get those spots into shape again from cutting the muscle. I knew I need to find the one man who loved me as I was. Supports me, empathizes with my moods…of I can’t find anything to wear, and such. I found that man, after door #1 closed. He complements me, loves me as a whole, we nearly never argue, he’s a wonderful man. He has seen me lose 60-80lbs, then gain back some…& still has never said anything other than wow, don’t you look beautiful today! I got lucky with him! And our kids, their pretty great too!
I had my oldest daughter just shy of 20 years old. I adopted some of my parents family traditional things, however my favorite was the church Children’s groups would make cookies treat, pies, and then we would deliver them with cards & caroling. Soon the staff began asking for sugar free treats (Which is hard to do) and we still try to do those things, all the holidays, go take cards, treats visit, play games. Time. Time is what they want the most from people. My daughter is now 19, lives 5 hours away at school while in semester and does that some on her off weekends that she isn’t coming home. My youngest still likes too,and we will still have out original cookie parties with younger generations and end home their trays of cookies!kids love rolling out, using a cookie cutter, decorating their own cookie (sometimes they regret listening…) but they had had fun over all! That’s the point! We have 4 children-22 year old son with autism, 19 yr old daughter, 16 yr old daughter and 14 yr ok daughter . Keep your fingers crossed! ??? Wishing everyone a happy new year! ???
I think about the beautiful baby I created. How healthy and amazing he is. How I would give it all up again, in a heart beat. I had umbilical hernia repair surgery and during my natural delivery had internal bleeding requiring surgery and 4 blood transfusions. I gave all of myself for him. I suffered from post partum depression for months in silence, and returned to work 43 hrs a week two months after birth. I look at my body now and see a stronger person. I see the scars from someone who pulled thru. I see the visual signs of that which doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger! And yes I wear bikini’s because those 24 yr olds have nothing on me! Be proud of your bodies, you created LIFE.
I remember feeling that way! I, too, am blessed to have a husband who loves me through the thick and thin. My kids are now 7 & 10, and I’m about to turn 41! It goes by so fast! With or without kids, we age. Our outer beauty fades, and maybe we grieve the loss for a bit. You deserve to feel good again- you’ll get there! Take care of yourself- eat healthy, move around (even if it’s a jog w/ a double stroller). Use sunscreen, maybe the occasional Botox if it makes you feel better. Try to enjoy the journey! Once your kids start sleeping better (so you do too), you’ll start feeling more like yourself. Aging is natural, and there’s not much we can do to prevent it! Your inner beauty will never fade- in fact it will probably grow!
Wow. It was like I wrote that myself. But I didn’t, so thanks for putting it into words.
We have a right to morn our bodies. We should not feel sorry about it. The truth is many women are injured from pregnancy and childbirth some of us for the rest of our lives. Many have issues using the bathroom some find sex too painful. Many end up needing invasive surgery. Pregnancy and childbirth is not without risk. To have survived is a big deal many have not. Happy to still be here after the birth of my first baby.
Thank you so much for this. So, so, so much. My little is going to be 2 in just over a month and I am still struggling with this. My confidence, for so many reasons, is gone. Vanished. Almost like it never existed to begin with. I remember being on that beach with a fruity drink footloose and fancy-free. I wouldn’t give up being a mommy for anything, but so many days I would love to have even an ounce of that confidence back. Thank you for this reminder that I am not alone.
This article made me so sad. This is just not how I view myself at all! I have worked hard to maintain my body during pregnancy, and I think I look even better than before. Yes, my body is different, but that’s inevitable…bodies change over time. The differences aren’t bad. They are amazing and a part of what makes me who I am. Additionally, I’m not going to base my opinion of myself on anyone else’s approval. Yeah, it’s nice when my husband compliments me, but at the end of the day I am the only one who truly can decide if I am beautiful. If I’m not confident in MYSELF, how can I expect someone else to be?
Buy myself a bunch of pretty VS panties/ bras/ PJ’s. dance in the bathroom to some upbeat tunes like im 17 again. Wake up and put myself together– refuse to skip makeup and hair or neglect my apperance. Start first thing in the AM
God made you in his image; thus, beautiful you are, regardless of the stretch marks, weight gain, and feeling just plain different. It is so wonderful that your husband is showing his love for you and you feel it. What a wonderful husband you have! Accepting our flaws isn’t always easy and usually we are our own biggest critics. I pray that you learn to find your beauty — inside and out.
this made me cry so hard. Honestly Im pretty jealous of that type of love and acceptance. I wish I had a husband like that who could love me while I struggle to love myself. My husband has no problem letting me know how unattractive I am after having kids. Even though I weigh less now than when we met (and I wasnt overweight then either) he makes a point to let me know how disgusting my loose tummy skin and stretch marks are, even though it’s already my biggest insecurity and I’m painfully aware of how gross I look naked. This husband sounds like an amazing guy, i hope she never lets him go!!
This is so well written. I cried. After having my own 11 children I still sometimes struggle with the knowledge that I won’t ever be able to take off my “stripes of honor”. But the years have been kind to me because, like you, I have this amazing man who is ALWAYS impressed by me. After having 11 children over the last 24 years I can honestly say I am kinder, more patient, and have TONS of confidence in new and interesting things that I never did all those years ago! Here’s to hoping you find the things that you excel at better than ever as well!
mom of 3 boys 12 10 and 10 months- i walk by shops windows on a mission with baby in my arms and flance my refletion in the corner of my eye, hair up in a loose bun joggers on and puge stomach hangs beneath cradled arms. I quickly look around see if anyone else is noticing my poorly kept reflection and see other women bustling about their day dressed nicely makeup on point. I glanced down at the baby on my arms to remind myself how much I love him and how this feeling will pass he is totally worth it. It doesn’t help me feeling this way but it somehow validates me. I make a plan to myself to pull it together tomorrow morning get up early do my makeup and hair and at least put on a pair of jeans. Then the morning comes after being up till midnight making sure everyone’s laundry is done and lunches are packed and getting up early for the baby I again put my hair up in a loose bun and put on the closest clean pair of loose pants or yoga pants I can find. the strugle is real folks! My husband doesn’t say much. Says I don’t look much different. Not sure whether to take that as a compliment or not I know he means it in a good way.
You are not alone. I feel you. Every day I promise myself that I will start taking care of my body, that I will start working hard to get back the body I had before three kids. Today I turned forty and again I promised myself I will do it, but it did not happen. I did not get a chance. I did not have time for myself. I cannot find the time for myself anymore…but thank God my children and husband love me anyway, my mood swings and all.
One day…soon, I hope!
You’re very blessed to have a husband who doesn’t care about the extra weight and encourages you to feel confident. I am truly happy for you. Some of us have husbands who do judge us for eating potato chips or drinking a soda, because we’re “not trying” to lose the baby weight…which makes it all the more difficult to feel comfortable in one’s body.
While I agree that your body changes after childbirth, a baby is a blessing and so is a husband like hers. As a 59 yr old woman, I’ll just say if you feel bearing a child has changed your body to the point you don’t recognize your former self, just wait till menopause. You really won’t know what hit you! Don’t complain. It could be worse. I have a husband like the woman who wrote this article and all is great.
It’s like you were writing about me!!! That’s EXACTLY how I’ve been feeling after just my first pregnancy, and my husband keeps telling me the same exact things as yours. Great message. Thank you
Thank you Danielle! I just had my first baby and spent 6 weeks on hospital bed rest when my water broke early. He is a preemie and spent time in the NICU. All that stress has made me feel completely self conscious. But my husband has been amazing, loving me every step. I love your post!
It took years, after accepting the new me. But as well my husband help me get over it. I am aware I am not 22 but the understanding and the process to bring the wonder woman my boy tellsme I am is more than enough I love me and so proud of my beautiful body! Is all about looking to be content with me! There is nothing harder, and unfortunately society paints a picture of what beauty should be instead of what should signify! Love your selfs wonderful woman. The body is the least is all about that heart!
I feel very similar to you. I’m so proud of my body and what it has accomplished. I feel so honored to be a mother, but this doesn’t mean I’m not struggling too. I morn my old self. I feel sometimes I should only look strong, because I’m a woman and a mom and I don’t want to be judged. Everyone is going through a different struggle but it doesn’t mean it hurts less. Thank you for sharing your heart. I hear you and I’m listening.
Wow! That was a very interesting article! I’m 41 and engaged. Haven’t had children yet and not sure if I want to try for a biological child. I’ve had some health issues (depression, anxiety, digestive problems and tend to get sick easily) and have struggled with a distorted body image for most of my life. Though I work out nearly every day (sometimes twice a day), am on a gluten-free diet and try to eat mostly healthy foods, I am not as thin as I was a few years ago. I have been slightly overweight in the past and now only have half of a thyroid so trying to get to a slimmer size is more of a struggle now.
Whether we’ve birthed babies or not, it seems to me that many women struggle with their bodies. I sure do and the thought of being pregnant terrifies me. What if I hate my body more after the baby is born? What if I can’t get back to my before size no matter how much I exercise and eat healthy? Luckily, I have a fiance who does not seem to care about any of that. In fact, he finds the idea of me someday carrying his baby sexy. I just wish I had the desire to want to carry a baby.
Reading your article has helped me to know that I am not alone in my struggles. I hate that my fear of how my body may look after pregnancy is greater than my desire to have a baby. Maybe, after being married for awhile and getting some answers from my gynecologist and endocrinologist, I might feel differently.
I believe if our society and media full of celebrities with nearly perfect bodies (at least what they want to impose on us as perfect) was not as evident, we would be more accepting of our changing bodies via childbirth and aging. Some cultures don’t even care about size and aging. Though, it is important to take excellent care of our bodies by eating healthy, get some regular exercise, etc, we should not become obsessed with trying to obtain the “ideal” Hollywood body.
Honestly, I was never skinny. But I was skinnier before baby #1. But what helped me the most? My husband and I live overseas and went to the beach in Spain. The women there didn’t care what anyone looked like. They wore bakinis or went topless and no one batted an eye. Seeing such confidence helped me see the beauty in my self and gave me the confidence to wear a bakini post baby at a family reunion in the States and I felt surprisingly free. It was incredibly liberating. I won’t go back to a one piece to make other people feel more comfortable around me ever again.
This was a powerful read. It’s raw and real. Thank you for your honesty.
This has me flowing in tears. I am 32 weeks pregnant… and I can feel my body changing. Varicose veins, stretch marks…. I’m hideous. I try my best to hide my body from my husband. When we make love I turn th lights off, try to undress on our locked bathroom, etc. I don’t want him to look at me. I know he watches porn…. and I think he must be finding me lacking compared to those gorgeous women. He deserve a woman more like that. I feel so inadequate. I’ve even contemplated suggesting an open marriage so he can have what I can’t give him. I feel so alone and unworthy of him. I keep thinking after I have this baby I want to kill myself so he can find someone better. I try to feel excited about the baby and I do but then it’s ruined when I realize my husband will be there seeing my ugly body during labor. What is wrong with me? Shouldn’t this be the happiest time in my life?
Beautiful piece. So truthful and grounding.
I feel the same way! Thanks for sharing!
I’m still there, I’ll let you know when I’m over it, but at 3 month pp, I keep looking at the mirror and feel ugly
Exactly how I feel… Day in and day out.. I hope I get over this feeling of disgust that I’ve grown to have towards myself after the birth of our firsts (we had twins in our first and only pregnancy.) There have been moments where we discussed the chance of trying to another baby in the later future.
But I stop myself of thinking about the idea because of what my body is now after the first pregnancy. I hope I get over this.. But I also hope to get my body back and everyone I’ve met has told me that it won’t happen… That you’re body never goes back.
I once felt beautiful but after having my son, confidence level went down. Pregnant second time around and it’s even worse. It doesn’t help the fact that my husband also see’s the imperfections and changes in my body. It’s like he’s disgusted. And it honestly breaks me. I feel ugly. I feel fat. I feel embarrassed in my own skin. I even try telling myself I’m beautiful. But by the end of the day I know I’m just trying to make myself feel better..ughhh this is such a horrible feeling. :(
You are blessed. I identify with most of your feelings, but my husband is not like yours. :( I am praying that I will not covet your husband’s love for you because that is a sin, but I want you to know that you are deeply blessed.I have a very hardworking husband, but he wants me to lose weight asap and the pressure is tough. I have 3 kids under 4 and am 39. If you are a believer in Jesus would you please pray for me. Thank you. I am truly happy for you.
This made me cry so much! Thank goodness there are still men out there like this that exist. I thought I lost faith.
Mine is leaving me now after 12 months since giving birth. I’m not losing weight fast enough for him and I don’t put my makeup on enough apparently. He’s not attracted to me anymore. He says that going to the gym 1-2 times a week is not “trying my hardest.” I gained 30 lbs but only lost about 6.
Anyway, it’s SO hard, and I relate to ALL the things you said about this inner dialogue we have with ourselves! It’s so hard to accept how slow this process is now :( Before baby, I could lose 5lbs like nothing!
I really feel like this and I still havent accepted the change I still cry and I hate the way I look I dont feel attractive at all.
I am 30 years old and I have a beautiful 8 month old. This was a really good read. I am still working on that bounce back and holding out hope but for now. I have struggled with my confidence and looks since I had my baby girl. I look at my body and feel totally confused because it doesn’t look like mine. But even more than that I struggle with the new me, the not so carefree always stressed, insecure version of me. I feel unfun, un physically fit, flabby and just not remotely confident. Which has caused me to be jealous, mildly crazy and Probably less than fun to be around lol but my Wonderful husband just keeps trying to tell me otherwise. I wish I could see and feel what he feels.
First of all….amazing! I’m a 28 year mom of 2 (4 months PP) and this really captured exactly how I feel and why he thinks I don’t love him but it’s more internal thing that has nothing to do with him! You put my thoughts into words
I’m 7 months postpartum now, a couple of kg heavier than I was prepregnancy and miserable. I clung on to wearing my maternity clothes instead of buying new clothes to avoid the shame of not being able to fit into my old clothes. Until my husband’s multiple attempts to open my eyes finally worked and shoved me over the cliff. I now hate my body, hate myself for not pushing myself to get back into shape and hate when he tries to make advances towards me because I refuse to believe he finds me remotely attractive.
What makes this worse for me is that I AM 24… just last year when I was 23 I was a size 2 in pants. I had a *perfect* body. I was confident. I was supposed to bounce back. Just like my mom after 4 kids. Just like my sister after having my niece. I gained 52 lbs during my pregnancy. I’ve only lost like 15. My husband … We just had an argument because of a Yumi subscription that I decided to sign up for. I want to be the mom that makes homemade baby food for their baby, but I am the mom who works an 8 hour shift in the day, and whose husband works a 12 hour shift at night. At what time of the day am I supposed to make baby food? I can barely feed myself! I don’t want to feed my baby the baby foods they sell at stores. I’ve done research. Don’t judge any mom out there who does. It was just so inconsiderate for him to tell me “we should just make it ourselves.” He KNOWS he wouldn’t have played a part in it. It’s just so discouraging. Especially, since I just had a miscarriage this past Monday. My body feels weak and tired. I’m looking for ways to healthily substitute the things that I can not provide. Everything I do is negative. Everything is wrong. I don’t know if I want to remain marry. He was the perfect man once upon a time, I just don’t know if I could forget all the bad that has happened after my baby was born.
This made me cry because it captured how I feel often. Thank you! I’mI worked harder to “get it back” after my first. My second was a c-section and I feel like I will never be the same because I won’t. I can never go back. The only thing that helps me is to remember to embrace the present. Love my family, my kids, and forgive myself for putting so many expectations out there. I don’t need them and they no longer serve me. The more I take care of and love myself. The more I can love others. I try to focus on being the best version of myself today.
My husband has only told me I was beautiful since our baby was born- until this weekend. He told me that he thought after two years that I would have lost the weight by now. I’m not really sure how to handle It. We still have a sex life- not what it once was. But he said that my body has made him less sexually attracted to me. I’m not sure what to do or how to cope. I am so hurt. I have always had a belly because I had a baby before we met and was a single mom. I weigh about 165 now- and weighed 150 when I got pregnant. So I wasn’t that thin then either. It just makes me feel like he’s comparing me to someone else. He said it bothered him that I haven’t had a desire to try and change the weight- but I do. I was just trying to raise a toddler, homeschool my 9 year old and open my own business at the same time and I was burned out. I Honestly thought I looked pretty good. I just feel so low and now I never want to eat again.
You’re so fortunate to have a husband who tells you you’re beautiful and doesn’t judge you for eating potato chips. I’d like to think if I had that at least it’s be someone who loves me <3 our bodies change and it’s easier said than done to not compare ourselves to who we want to look like
Every word of this feels like you wrote this straight out of my mind. I’m struggling, I’m up and I’m down. I feel like I’m living my absolute happiest life with our new baby, but I wholeheartedly feel like I lost myself and at the same time it’s the hardest.