Can you remember the time we took that vacation to a tropical island? We joked and laughed and drank fruity frozen cocktails. I wore a bikini, and we had sex in the middle of the afternoon.
It seems like forever ago. Before my stretch marks and C-section scar. Before I worried all the time about whether our babies were eating enough vegetables and if they would sleep through the night.
I can almost remember the confidence I had. Just yanking off my pool dress. Tossing it on the chair like I never needed it. I cling to that pool dress now. Like my life depends on it, I cling to that dress. Just like I cling to the memories of that vacation. Of how I felt so free and comfortable in my own skin.
My skin feels different now. Almost unrecognizable. Like I’m stuck in someone else’s body. Someone whose body is out of control.
Mood swings. Loose skin. Hot, then cold, no hot. Very, very hot. Stretch marks. Whose body am I wearing? Why are they so hormonal? And where is my fruity cocktail???
I Didn’t Expect This
I thought I would bounce back. I was young! I was supposed to give birth and hit the beach the next month.
I wasn’t supposed to look like this. Or feel like this.
I was supposed to look like I was 24 again. The same girl you dated for years before we got pregnant. The girl who never cared if we left the lights on.
That girl never came back. She took my confidence. She ran with my flat stomach. She took all the good parts of me, and now she’s gone.
Related: 7 Tips for Postpartum Clothes That Won’t Make You Look Pregnant
My Confession to You
I cringe. I cringe sometimes when you try to touch me. When you walk into the bathroom after I shower, I panic.
Don’t look. Don’t see me like this.
I see all those confident moms proud of their “stripes” and of how they look postpartum, but I feel embarrassed. So shy and unsure of myself in the body I was left with.
After two pregnancies. After waking up three times a night for months at a time. Each time, eating a cookie on the way to the nursery because it made me feel better. And I deserved to at least feel a little better if I was missing out on all that sleep.
I was left with a body that won’t fit in any of my designer jeans. Jeans that now crowd the corner of my closet. Jeans I won’t give away because I still have faith in myself.
I still pray the old me comes back. Maybe I’ll wake up one day and see her in the mirror. With her wrinkle-free forehead and perky boobs.
But Then There’s You
Meet the postpartum me. Two times over. This is how I feel.
But you? You tell me otherwise. Day in and day out, you tell me how beautiful I am. How you don’t see the extra 15 pounds. When I eat the entire bag of potato chips, you never judge me. And you never speak a word of my mood swings.
You love me just the same. If not more. You have the confidence in me that I lost. You carefully push me to be the best version of myself. This new version of myself.
And I have to wonder: If you can love her…why can’t I?
That’s where I’m at. Trying to love myself once again. Trying to make this new person the best person. Trying to accept the different parts of me and to appreciate my body for what it has done. It isn’t easy to accept these changes, but I’m trying.
And so I thank you. For loving me. No matter what I look like or how I feel.
Thank you for always thinking I’m the prettiest. The best. The sexiest. Even when I don’t feel like it.
I’m going to work hard on loving myself the way you love me. Because the way you love me is the greatest way of all. That girl with the flat stomach had no idea how lucky she was to have you, but I sure do.
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Your Turn
What helped you when you were feeling unattractive after having a baby? Share in a comment below.
Dear Kids, On the Days I Fail…
What helped was accepting that this is the new me. I will never, ever look 24 again. I would have changed even without the two kids, because of aging.
What helped was giving away all my old clothes. Yes, even my favourite dress. Having them kept open that space in my mind that could not accept the change.
Good luck. It is a struggle.
Beautifully written. I couldn’t agree more. Thank you!
Exactly the way I feel….
Same here
I think it is really important to remember that there are so many couples out there that haven’t been able to have their own children. There are women out there that would chop off their own limbs to be pregnant. It is not right for us that have been blessed to have children of our own to hate our bodies because of what pregnancy has done to them. We should be grateful that we were given the gift of our children; and if that means stretch marks, flabby bellies, saggy boobs, and bigger butts, so be it. It is time… Read more »
Saying someone shouldn’t feel a certain way for your situation is just silly. People that can’t have babies then should never feel sad because they should just appreciate not having to go through parenting struggles. See…it just sounds dumb. Everyone is entitled to their own emotions.
Jeremy i agree. Im 22 and had my son and can relate to this article . I really can’t believe autums ignorant comment
But thankyou for speaking up! Couldn’t have said it better myself!
Well if you think this is saying something better than you could say it I suggest you say nothing at all then because I’ve nevwr heard anything so stupid in all my life!!!
How dare you compare not being to have children to accepting shallow things like stretch marks. After having 3 round of IVF to conceive my son this comment made me feel physically sick! Whilst I appreciate the changes in your body are not always pleasant they are nothing in comparison to the heartbreak infertility brings to a person!!!
I am sorry for your pain and the struggle. I dont believe this article is comparing them to each other. It is simply talking about how difficult it is to adjust to having a postpartum body. Which IS difficult by the way. Autumn was the one who brought this comparison up (not being able to bear a child vs postpartum body) , and she did so by saying dealing with a postpartum body is shallow and insignificant. I have always wanted to be a mother, and now i have that blessing. Struggling with my body afterwards has nothing to do… Read more »
The only thing I think would expand the conversation is survivor pregnancies and mom that surviving childhood abuse no matter how well you’ve coped is associated with higher rate of pregnancy complications, increased likelihood of c-section, increased likelihood of extreme post paratum and pregnancy depression and anxiety. As well as its very common for survivors of childhood abuse often experience retraumatizing experiences and flashbacks while pregnant n sometimes during birth as well as an increased likelihood of dissociation. The thing about being a human is you only truly now the pain you experience, and if you want to be honored… Read more »
I couldn’t agree more Sydney!! Thank you for standing up! Children are a gift of God and nowhere appearances compare to them!!!! Those who haven’t reached a certain age like let’s say: 50’s (at least, if not less) and have no one to call ‘child’ and enjoy the joyful days of having their ‘ children and grandchildren’ visit, have no ideea what it is like! Just to mention: i am talking about those who WANT children! Not about those who don’t care having. Don’t get me wrong! I get and understand the points in this, the way the lady felt… Read more »
Jeremy I completely agree! Emotions are our individual thoughts and feelings. Just because a woman may feel less confidant after having children does not mean she isn’t grateful to be a Mom! Autumn I disagree we should value our appearance along with treating others with respect and kindness!
I agree Jeremy. Who is to say how women should and shouldn’t feel? It’s not taking away from others emotions, but allowing everyone to have their own. It’s natural to feel down and self conscious after two babies. Your body is a different body. A bit ignorant to say women “shouldn’t” feel a certain way.
I think everyone is entitled to feel the way they do… it doesn’t mean you are taking anything for granted or anyone or less grateful. Life is filled w transitions and each one has “feels” to work through and changes to adapt to.. each person whether they have kids or not.. have a job or lost a job and so on are all fighting their own battles and working through the feels that come w change.. some things in life change you and you have to find your nitch in it all… she is just fine feeling that way.. nothing… Read more »
I couldn’t agree with this comment more. I have a c-section scar from a fibroid op and a horrid tummy. We’ve been unable to have kids yet. You are so lucky to have a body that did such an amazing job of looking after your babies.
Yeah, and I have a C-section scar from my full term stillborn baby. I’m still allowed to feel the way I do.
I’m sorry Jessica, I couldn’t imagine what you have been through!
Thank you Kelsey. It has been a rough road but this July I welcomed my rainbow baby girl. I tell her everyday her brother is in heaven watching over her.
I totally agree with this, after giving birth via emergency c section to my baby girl who was born wearing angel wings, sleeping on the 29.10.2017 and I have all the same feelings and I’am entitled to feel how the hell I want as it’s my body as should every other parent. Hope your doing okay Jessica, sending lots of love x
I struggled with RPL for 2 years. Had 3 miscarriages within a year and all before I turned 26. After the second MC, I was not confident or comfortable in my own skin. And I knew it was okay. Being told “at least you can get pregnant” didn’t make anything easier. I understand you saying women should be thankful to have the bodies they do after have children. But it’s okay to struggle with accepting the changes. We are only human. Nobody should ever feel bad or guilty just because others struggle with having children.
I lost our first baby at 19 week, and another a couple months after that and with prayers had our rainbow baby last April. That doesn’t change the fact that I had body issues. I’ve always been tiny and am still getting use to my new body. I don’t even like my husband to look at me when I’m naked sometimes. Still thankful for my baby and praying for more. Just a new mommy learning to love her new skin, but still wouldn’t mind a flatter tummy and I feel I have the right for those feelings.
Thank u ?
Autumn, While I can appreciate where you are coming from and yes, there are those woman who can not conceive. I think all of us have 100% sympathy for them. With that being said that was not the point of this admission. This was not about being a Mom. This was about being a woman and wife, but mostly just a woman. This was literally the mirror with two faces. The 24 year old in our head that we still identify with and then there is the 40 year old us. That we see looking back at us and we… Read more »
That’s unfair to say moms who can have babies shouldn’t feel this way! As a mother who has been blessed with babies and has also suffered through infertility and baby loss, I still feel these things about my body. Support- not condemnation- is all anyone deserves. Be careful how you express your opinions. You have every right to them- but you don’t have to verbalize every one.
What’s not right is for you to condemn other women and their feelings. This is very real and society is the biggest contender making women feel this way after we have babies. I am so beyond grateful for my children. I’d give any and all limbs to protect them from everything. But I can’t. So instead I will be open and honest with them about the changes people go through an that it’s okay to feel out of sorts. It’s not about appearance, did you read the article? It’s about learning to love oneself again and learning how to adapt… Read more »
What a selfish response. Sorry you can’t have kids, but that does NOT mean those who can should feel any particular way bc of your lack of children…. Wtf
Wow! I never looked at it that way. I’ve been so depressed and I hate my body after having 4 kiddos. Thank you for your wise words. Thank you!
Oh wow! It kinda felt like someone wrote part of my mind. Oh my old body! I did at one point got it back (just a wider version) but I feel like there’s something hormonal going on. But oh my amazing husband!!! He only noticed one time that I was huge because we both saw a picture and I pointed out tge reality but he told me he never noticed, he’s very attracted to me and he still enjoys the lights on and taking showers with me? I am working hard to stay healthy and if on the process I… Read more »
I cried reading this, its the exact same for me, two kids but I am 24. Not in body but in age. My husband does this same but I struggle to see it. Very inspiring for me Thank you for sharing
What helped me was seeing past me and looking to my son. I may not be happy with what the outcome of my body is right now but look at what we got out of it. My amazing one year old son who can never sit still, who loves getting dirty, who randomly gives us kisses just because, and because in his eyes I am perfect. So I fix my eyes on him. Your body is something that can be changed (with diet and exercise) or not lol but the miracle of son that I have is just something amazing… Read more »
I loved your post . it was beautifully written. But I felt that you haven’t seen it all. You’re still young. When you’re a bit older and you’re like a yo yo diet kind of person, than you shall cry…. the positive part is having a loving you no matter what husband, or a ì shall stick with you forever one, that will admire you when you’re thin or fat. Always with scratch marks. Sorry for my English. But I just felt you should know that there’s good guys out there, who are awesome dads and that will love you… Read more »
At 35, I now have 5 handsome and amazing sons, the youngest being almost 6 months. I struggle everyday to see past the new changes in my body. Its so hard, and very few seem to understand. After my older 4 boys, I stayed confident with my body, but I was so much younger (there are 9 years between my younger two boys) everyday tho, I make it a point to wear something that makes me feel ‘pretty’ again, some days its a piece of jewelry, some days its makeup, and other days its a pair of jeans or a… Read more »
Thank you. This so eloquently articulated everything I feel.
Going through the same thing. And in our culture, apart from Husband there are plenty of other people in family who would always remind you about the same,, I hope I get strength to deal with it soon..
I never looked “good” in the first place. And still after 18 years of marriage to an amazing man and 6 children, I’ve NEVER felt good in my skin. I won’t EVER be the woman who feels good in my skin, at least in the worlds perspective of “beautiful”. But… Christ loved me and gave Himself for me. That’s all I’ve ever needed. He wants me to be healthy, but He doesn’t ask me to be what anyone else thinks I should look like or be like. I just cry, “thank you Jesus, for loving me as I am and… Read more »
You are absolutely right! I have had 2 babies and am only 23. When i read this post it was me all the way . Before kids i was totally confident, after completely insecure. But u r right. Jesus loves me! He sees me for who i am on the inside. I may not look like a super model but he has plans for me and he has blessed me in so many ways!
Amen! We find our value and identity in our savior Jesus Christ not in the world!
Bless you
This hit home! After three beautiful children and one miscarriage my body has planty of stretch marks and i certainly dont have the boobs i once did….my body screams babies….but i know i am beyond blessed….but my wonderful husband tells me daily how much he loves me and how beautiful i am to him and times he tells me how lucky he is to have me….someday i hope i can feel better in the skin i. Now have !!!
I’ve only had one baby and I’ve really struggled with my new body. Every time I feel like shaming myself I try to pray that I would see my body as God does and as my husband does. I pray that I would see the beauty in the stretch marks and the beauty in the sagginess. I know my body is not the same, but I’m thankful that it was through my body that God gave me my son. I hope you find peace and joy in the beauty that is your body. I’ll be praying for yoy.
Thank you for saying out loud what I’ve been struggling with since my 2nd baby was born 5 months ago. I pray that one day I can feel good about me as just me, not me the mom or me the employee. Thanks again.
From postpartum on to menopause. I was able to pull it together about 16 yrs after my 1 st was born but then menopause hit (way early 34) and my dad died. Back to that girl looking in the mirror trying to find herself again. Hiding from my husband.
Such a tough place sometimes but there is always HOPE.
Another great article.
Thank you so much for sharing.
This touched my heart. As mothers, we experienced a lot of changes in our body but the love of our husbands and kids will make it all worth it.
This sheds an incredibly negative light on being a woman and a Mom, and reinforces all the insecurities that society makes us believe about our bodies. This was horribly discouraging to read as an 8 month pregnant woman with her first child. I’ve been made to feel insecure about about my body throughout my entire pregnancy. I’m excited to be pregnant and love the absolutely incredible things that my body is capable of, and people take those positive feelings away from me everyday with their insensitive comments and negative reactions to how I’m changing. It’s heartbreaking to read something like… Read more »
For me the hardest part about post partum wasn’t getting used to the new body, but the mental toll that sleep deprivation and hormones place on a new parent. I found spending more time outside, just soaking in the sun was the best medicine for me. When I couldn’t get sun a vitamin D supplement was the next best thing.
Thanks for expressing it, I started crying halfway. It’s been a on and off, frustrating journey to get back to a healthy balance.
I got no one sometimes not even myself .. Im still feeling ugly im 21 and i just had my 2nd girl shes 9 months first girl os 2 years now my body is hideous and all i do os eat my worries away my bf is slowly pulling away from me he slipped and said i should go to a gym for fun n it killed me. I sometimes feel like. Im dead inside
I’m sorry to hear that. That was a rude comment. My bf is an asshole sometimes.. But not about my weight. You just don’t go there. But that should motivate you even more to make changes. If he loves you he should be helping you to feel better.
What helped me a little was finally going to the store and figuring out what my new clothing size was and ordering new work clothes. I’m so excited to go to work on Monday. Do you want to know why? Because I won’t be wearing maternity clothes. My baby girl is 7 Months but I’ve had no time to really get new work clothes that fit me since my old clothes are two size too small. Im embracing my new body. Slowly but surely.
My wife sent me this as a message, so I want to thank you for effectively communicating for thousands of women by sharing your true and raw feelings with the world. Here is what I’d say to my wife and what I think many men would say as well. I know you work extremely hard to raise and care for our beautiful miracle babies, I know they are crazy with their moods and their getting to comfortable with their own emotions as children. I promise you that I don’t discount your hard work ever, even when at times after a… Read more »
All. Of. This. I’m currently pregnant with baby number 3 who was quite the surprise! The cute 20 something body I once had is a distant memory yet my husband tells me daily how beautiful I am! Thanks for putting yourself out there and saying so much of what many moms (like me) are thinking but don’t have the guts to say!
Truthfully I battled with self confidence post babies for 2 years. I had the mound of jeans and cute shirts that I wanted to fit into again. A couple months ago I decided to purge my closet. I got rid of everything that didn’t fit (except 2 pairs of jeans a size below what I’m currently in), I didn’t like anymore or just didn’t flatter me. I had a pile that came to my waist. I feel so much better about myself because every option I have in my closet looks good on me and I don’t have to go… Read more »
Made me cry as I read it out loud to my husband because of how accurate it was to how I have felt. Ty
I just had baby boy #2 via csection and I just cried after reading this! I can relate to it all!! I am so unbelievably lucky and blessed to have the amazing husband God have me!!
Thank you so much for this I cried and cried cuz I feel so much this way, I’m 25 and about to have my 4th kid. My bodies a mess and yet my husband loves every bit of me. It’s so hard some times to believe him but he always reassured me. But thanks so much for ur post.
This made me cry. Thank you for sharing
This made me cry. Thank you for sharing.
I didn’t have an amazing body before I got pregnant but I was happy and confident with what I had. Now my belly is saggy with tiger stripes and my boobs are definitely not perky anymore. I am unhappy with the way I look right now but would I change any of it? Absolutely not! What helps me to appreciate what my body did to bring my beautiful daughter into the world is thinking about why I look like I do. When I think of my saggy belly I think of my baby rolling around in my tummy late at… Read more »
I’m in tears because this is so me. And him. You put it so well, and I wanted to thank you for helping put these emotions into words that I can now share with my husband. I’m pregnant with our second child and I crave that tan, carefree girl with long hair, perky boobs, and a drink in her hand. Here’s the only thing that has helped me: that girl had problems too. She was insecure, she was naive, she was immature, and though she was beautiful, I idealize her. The idea of her is much more glamorous than the… Read more »
What a beautiful essay! I am sure most women can totally relate! My girls are now women and I am a proud grandma to two little grandsons. If I could talk to that version of myself after giving birth, I would tell myself to make friends with the new you…the you that made it possible to bring those beautiful children into the world! What you need to remember is that there are going to be different versions of yourself as you age. The once unlined skin on your face will start showing wrinkles, or any other of the many things… Read more »
I love this with all of my heart! ? Thank you for this!!!!
To my wife, after you’ve had my babies. Thankful doesn’t even begin to describe what I am after you’ve given me the greatest gift known to mankind. The time I spend at work babysitting grown men, doesn’t hold a candle to the hours you spend elbows deep in finger paint or rocking him in the chair. You are the anchor of our family, the lighthouse in the stormy seas. Your determination to make our family grow and prosper would inspire even the hardest of men. Your body is a temple. A temple that tells a story of greatness and of… Read more »
Validation. You nailed the feeling. I have a 18 mo and 1 on the way. I swore I’d lose the weight before #2. ? I’ve purchased larger things to try to accept my skin and put old stuff in bins out of sight so it doesn’t depress me to look at it. I will get back to being healthy and fit- which is hopefully still also attractive. I hate looking at pictures but I want to be present. I think back to those days of “gosh I could really drop another 5 lbs” and I’d kill to be back there.… Read more »
I have never been tiny at all. I am now a mom of four kids and wouldn’t change it for the millions in the universe. I am 31 and do not accept what I look like after the kids for nothing I feel n look horrible or at least that’s what I think but when I think I about I don’t think it’s bc of my pregnancies I just think it’s a matter of me not doing something about it. Yes I know that after a pregnancy your body is never the same but if we wanted to we could… Read more »
I was only 18 when i had my first daughter i now have a scar where they had to take her by emergency c section because she was born at 28 weeks then a month later found out i was pregnant with my second daughter. My stretch marks are horrible im not in a size 5 pant any more i feel fat all the time i feel embarrassed for my husband to look at me,but yet he still tells me im beautiful even tho im not that 115 pound girl he started dating 3 years ago and then married.
I wish I could feel like my husband loves my body more than I do. Unfortunately, after 4 babies and 14 years, he one day decided he was more attracted to a woman 10 years younger then myself that he met while out getting groceries. I was home taking care of his children and insecure about my body while he was having an exciting fling with someone else and acting like I didn’t even exist while doing it. Experts say affairs have nothing to do with the spouse, but I have a hard time with that. She was complete opposite… Read more »
My after baby body, as most women’s aren’t again…were never going to be perfect; I always knew that from always having so much surgery as a child, Not being able to get those spots into shape again from cutting the muscle. I knew I need to find the one man who loved me as I was. Supports me, empathizes with my moods…of I can’t find anything to wear, and such. I found that man, after door #1 closed. He complements me, loves me as a whole, we nearly never argue, he’s a wonderful man. He has seen me lose 60-80lbs,… Read more »
I think about the beautiful baby I created. How healthy and amazing he is. How I would give it all up again, in a heart beat. I had umbilical hernia repair surgery and during my natural delivery had internal bleeding requiring surgery and 4 blood transfusions. I gave all of myself for him. I suffered from post partum depression for months in silence, and returned to work 43 hrs a week two months after birth. I look at my body now and see a stronger person. I see the scars from someone who pulled thru. I see the visual signs… Read more »
I remember feeling that way! I, too, am blessed to have a husband who loves me through the thick and thin. My kids are now 7 & 10, and I’m about to turn 41! It goes by so fast! With or without kids, we age. Our outer beauty fades, and maybe we grieve the loss for a bit. You deserve to feel good again- you’ll get there! Take care of yourself- eat healthy, move around (even if it’s a jog w/ a double stroller). Use sunscreen, maybe the occasional Botox if it makes you feel better. Try to enjoy the… Read more »
Wow. It was like I wrote that myself. But I didn’t, so thanks for putting it into words.
We have a right to morn our bodies. We should not feel sorry about it. The truth is many women are injured from pregnancy and childbirth some of us for the rest of our lives. Many have issues using the bathroom some find sex too painful. Many end up needing invasive surgery. Pregnancy and childbirth is not without risk. To have survived is a big deal many have not. Happy to still be here after the birth of my first baby.
Thank you so much for this. So, so, so much. My little is going to be 2 in just over a month and I am still struggling with this. My confidence, for so many reasons, is gone. Vanished. Almost like it never existed to begin with. I remember being on that beach with a fruity drink footloose and fancy-free. I wouldn’t give up being a mommy for anything, but so many days I would love to have even an ounce of that confidence back. Thank you for this reminder that I am not alone.
This article made me so sad. This is just not how I view myself at all! I have worked hard to maintain my body during pregnancy, and I think I look even better than before. Yes, my body is different, but that’s inevitable…bodies change over time. The differences aren’t bad. They are amazing and a part of what makes me who I am. Additionally, I’m not going to base my opinion of myself on anyone else’s approval. Yeah, it’s nice when my husband compliments me, but at the end of the day I am the only one who truly can… Read more »
Buy myself a bunch of pretty VS panties/ bras/ PJ’s. dance in the bathroom to some upbeat tunes like im 17 again. Wake up and put myself together– refuse to skip makeup and hair or neglect my apperance. Start first thing in the AM
God made you in his image; thus, beautiful you are, regardless of the stretch marks, weight gain, and feeling just plain different. It is so wonderful that your husband is showing his love for you and you feel it. What a wonderful husband you have! Accepting our flaws isn’t always easy and usually we are our own biggest critics. I pray that you learn to find your beauty — inside and out.
this made me cry so hard. Honestly Im pretty jealous of that type of love and acceptance. I wish I had a husband like that who could love me while I struggle to love myself. My husband has no problem letting me know how unattractive I am after having kids. Even though I weigh less now than when we met (and I wasnt overweight then either) he makes a point to let me know how disgusting my loose tummy skin and stretch marks are, even though it’s already my biggest insecurity and I’m painfully aware of how gross I look… Read more »