How to Raise Your Son to Be Feminist – And Why That Word Is Important
First, a note from Kelly: The other day, my friend Hilary shared a story with me about something her son said that surprised her, so I invited her to share her story with you here. Before I turn it over to Hilary, let’s get on the same page about the word “feminist” because different people have different understandings of what that word means.
In this post, what we mean when we say “feminist” is this: “possessing the belief that women should have the same opportunities and choices as men have.” That’s a bit of a mouthful, so in the interest of space and readability, we’ll just say “feminist.” If that’s a hot-button word for you, my hope is you can look past the semantics and see through to the heart of this post: that we envision a world for our children to inherit where equality and mutual respect are the standard, not the exception. Now I’ll let Hilary share her story…
Yesterday, my 6-year-old son told me that pink and purple are “girl colors.” I asked him why, and the conversation reminded me (again) that mothering boys in a man’s world comes with its own unique challenges and opportunities.
The funny part for me is that I’ve spent most of my professional career blaming the man and then lo and behold—I found myself raising a family of them.
Karma.
And so we talked about how some boys might like pink and purple. That some girls might not like pink and purple at all. I let him know that there were many perceptions placed upon me as a little girl, and I wanted more choices like boys in my class had.
But were my words helping?
When Leading by Example Isn’t Enough
I both parent and work outside the home as a minister, nurturing my own sense of vocation and personal fulfillment in the world and helping to provide for my family, as well as making a home.
I work strange hours to have as much time with my kids as possible while also maximizing my own potential. For example:
- I exercise an hour before my family gets up.
- I write my sermons an hour after the kids go to bed.
- I pick both my boys up from school and walk them home, even though I do miss Sunday T-ball games.
I work to balance, and sometimes I can give myself a high five. Other times, I give myself exhausting crying fits, but always I give myself a pat on the back because hey—I’m trying.
I even have fond memories of strapping a breast pump to myself as I drove on the highway at 2:00, 3:00, and 4:00 a.m. to visit dying people at the hospitals on the opposite side of town.
This is TMI. But it’s also feminism.
I have a supportive partner, Ryan, whose marriage to me for 13 years and phenomenal patience with our wild kids has shown fortitude beyond any reasonable expectations. (THANK YOU, RYAN.)
And yet, after all this, my son informs me that pink and purple are “girl colors.”
Related: The Secret to Raising Your Kids to Be Kind {Printable}
5 Simple But Powerful Tips for How to Raise a Feminist Son
As a minister who happens to be a woman, I fight daily against demeaning misperceptions about my place in leadership. This plus my experience of mothering boys in a man’s world has helped me stumble on a few important ways we can talk about gender with our kids.
To begin this conversation, we as mothers must start from a sad reality: Women are not yet equally regarded as men are in our society. I hope we’re changing this paradigm by raising young men who don’t view society that way and raising young women who won’t stand for it.
When you want ideas for how to raise a feminist son, here are a few simple opportunities you can listen for when you’re chatting with your boys to raise sons who believe in equality.
1. Girls vs. Boys
“I can’t play with dolls; that’s what girls do.”
“I don’t like pink or purple; those are girl colors.”
Let’s nip all this. If you’ve got a nurturer, you give him that doll†. If he likes purple, have him wear it.
Talk about what confuses you about these gender assignments and ways you wish you had been given choices of your own. If your child uses “like a girl” as an insult, treat it as you would treat any words or sentiments you wish your child hadn’t used.
Related: 30 Photos of Boys Playing With Dolls That Will Make You Go “Awww”
2. Small Words With Power
Here’s an interesting tidbit from my line of work: Sacred Jewish, Christian, and Muslim scriptures call God “he,” “him,” and “his.” Who knew these teeny words would have such a deep impact on who we are and what we can do? The original languages of these texts—Hebrew, Greek, and Aramaic—don’t have a gender-neutral pronoun set and neither does English.
While God is illustrated in these sacred texts in many ways—as both feminine and masculine and even as a burning bush (neutral?)—these male pronouns have influenced the world for centuries.
Pay attention to when and how you use pronouns. When you’re on a hike with your family and you see an animal in the woods, do you always call it a “he”?
“Look at that turtle! I wonder where he gets his water?”
Try to flip that. Another challenge here is how often we use “man” to represent all of us, like with “manning the PTA booth.” With your kids, you can talk about how words have limited us, work to use neutral words, or both.
Related: 3 Simple Steps for Teaching Empathy in the Most Authentic Way
3. Stories That Shape Us
The gender binary is strong in the traditional stories we love and call our own. Look for stories with young women doing courageous things, girls who are independent thinkers, and women who are problem solvers. Look for girls in leading roles.
On the pronoun front, I recommend Big Momma Makes the World by Phyllis Root and Nora’s Ark by Eileen Spinelli. When you do read those classic stories with strict gender expectations, talk about it.
4. Bodies
I don’t have teenagers yet, so this is easier for me at this point, but teaching body respect can start at any age with kids’ own bodies and private areas.
Who can touch your private areas? Who shouldn’t? Talk about it. Be explicit and clear that they should respect their own body and that they must respect others.
This grows increasingly more difficult as the media our children consume becomes more and more sexist. I love this quote from actress Gina Davis: “Why do you think she’s wearing that if she’s going to rescue somebody? Does that make sense?”
Talk to your boys about women as whole people, not objects.
Related: How to Teach Your Child That Her Body Is Her Body
5. You
We can lead by example. We can stop using feminine words as insults. We can stop holding our mom friends to different standards as our dad friends. We can talk about equality when we see it and share our disappointment when we don’t.
Yesterday, after giving my 6-year-old a few examples of how I wished women had more choices and equality, he was quiet for a moment.
Then he looked up at me and said, “Don’t you wish you could use magic and everyone would know that girls can do as much as boys?”
I thanked him. Because I do. And conversation after conversation like this, maybe everyone will know that.
Before you go, get my FREE cheat sheet: 75 Positive Phrases Every Child Needs to Hear
Your Turn
Do you have any tips for how to raise a feminist son? Share in a comment below!
Completely agree! I’ve mentioned to so many people how automatic it is – for most of us – to refer to animals and toys as “he” unless there’s a clear reason not to; they ALL reply “Oh, no, I don’t do that” then, after half an hour of playing with my daughter, shamefacedly admit to realising that they absolutely do.
My toddler and I often watch the bigger kids walking to and from school and I was surprised how difficult it was for me to call them “girls and boys” rather than “boys and girls” – it took me weeks of consciously changing the order before it became natural to me; I was stunned by how deeply rooted was the habit of putting the boys first. Most of the time I use the gender neutral “children” or “people” but, when that’s not appropriate, I now always put the female option first because I think there will be enough other people out there in the world telling my daughter she’s in second place.
Beautiful article. I have noticed an incredible surge in sexism in my workplace since returning to work after 3 sons! More than ever I want them to be feminists. I had to giggle while reading #2, because for whatever reason, my 5 year old has always referred to God as a woman! And I absolutely love it! I’m not sure where it came from, and sadly it has always caught me by surprise because as you say, God has always been the Father/Him/etc.
wonderful tips. Thank you.
This whole post deeply saddens me. Not because I don’t think that men and women should not both be shown respect; they should. I have had to correct saying “like a girl” in a negative tone. Little boys pick up things so quickly and they need to be corrected with equal speed. No, the thing that saddens me is the loss of identity by our boys today. With all our fighting and revolutionizing for female ‘rights’ our little boys are getting lost and many people have yet to see it. Men are looked down on (who do we think we are fighting for these rights), generalized as being a hinderance to women in general and talked about in often times, very degrading ways. And it is hurting our sons, and our daughters. There is much more that is going on on a psychological level, but I won’t delve into that now. Just remember, as you build up yourself and your daughters, don’t tear down your sons unintentionally.
I agree with Lea. As I read in an article, boys are being treated as defective girls. Boys are no longer allowed to be boys, just because girls can’t be boys. and to give them an illusion of equality, men are being stripped of their manhood.
The reason why it is important to stress the importance of feminism is because we live in a masculine society that has always honored masculine traits while shaming men, boys, women, and girls who display feminine qualities. It’s alright to be masculine, but it is also alright to have feminine qualities regardless of one’s sex or gender. Femininity isn’t about being a woman. Feminine traits include thoughtfulness, empathy, vulnerability, intuition, emotion, patience, etc. and all sexes and genders can have those traits. The problem is that men and boys are often shamed for not being “manly” if they show emotion or empathy for others. Normalizing feminine traits rather than ostracizing and shaming them in our society is not a threat to manhood. It is a push towards equality and it is a push to end gender roles that restrict both men and women. The only reason this seems odd is because our society has become too masculine as a whole and I would hope you would teach your children that it is okay to display and feel emotion, it is okay to feel empathy, and that there should be no such thing as “manly” or “girly”.
I’m with you Lea, too much emphasis is being placed on girls at the expense of boys. I’m surprised that the author as a minister does not focus on the God made qualities of men and women. We were never supposed to be alike (not talking equal pay, etc.) But God had roles for men and women. Esther had her role, no less important than Moses. Our lack of embracing those divine roles and teaching them is what has created a society now totally confused. If you had daughters would you be teaching them how great men are? Time to go back to God given attributes and roles (nothing to do with favorite colors). Because of feminism men have no place in society now except to applaud women on. Who’s applauding the men? Can women do many things men can do? Of course. Can men do many things women can do? Of course. Can women do ALL things as well as men, no. Can men do ALL things as well as women, no. Male and female created He them to be helpmates to one another. Feminism is selfishness, seeking her own, prideful. Maybe your own personal definition of “feminism” is just really respect for each other and differences. I suggest you lose the word feminism, by the way is there a “masculineism” and if so why not. I’ll give you an example that may help; one of my sons is a firefighter. Because of “feminism” and EOE laws they have to hire so many women. They are tested different, perform differently, and cannot save the guy next to them in a burning building without help. (A false equal) None of the male firefighters like putting their lives in the hands of “I can do anything” miss firefighter, but they have no choice. This example is extreme I realize- there are MANY occupations that it makes no difference whatsoever but there are some that do. At least be honest with your sons about the differences between men and women and why they are important and how God intended each to compliment the other, not replace or better one.
Like Hilary, I’m raising all boys and also one who had pointed out to me that girls like pink and purple. I especially like her tip to watch how you phrase gender words or assume everything is a “he” (turtles can be girls, too!).
One thing I try to do is encourage them to dig deep and ask WHY people think girls like pink and boys blue, or why toys try to say certain things are for girls or boys. I hope that they’ll grow up always questioning why things are the way they are and not assume they’re to be expected.
Your Tips for How to Raise a Feminist Son is great! And not only that, I agree with all your insightful thoughts that you’ve shared. Being a Nanny to my own grand daughter, these tips will definitely be helpful.
I love this article, Hilary! Thank you so much for sharing. A few weeks ago, I was telling my daughter a silly story about work, and she stopped me mid-sentence and said “Wait! You said ‘she’ when you were talking about your boss. I thought only boys could be bosses.” BACK THE TRUCK UP. NO MA’AM. Girls can be bosses too! Girls are great bosses! Women and men can both lead the world. Do you remember a few months ago when we were doing the mock election at school and you could choose between a woman or a man? Women and girls can do all of the same things as men and boys. We’re all built equally and should be treated as such.
I thought I was doing such a great job because she’s this gorgeous petite little girl with the blondest hair, and instead of focusing on beauty, she loves playing dragons and reading books. I parent and work outside the home in addition to owning my own businesses. Yet, she still thinks girls can’t be bosses.
Slowly but surely through conversations like these, we’ll change the world. Thanks for your help, Hilary!