The Actual Reason Why Three Kids Is the Most Stressful Number
According to some random online survey, the most stressful number of kids to have is three. In fact, having four is supposed to be less stressful than three kids.
When I first saw this “news” take over my Facebook feed in 2013, I laughed.
Because:
- An online survey of 7,164 U.S. mothers doesn’t exactly smack of scientific rigor.
- At that time, I had two kids, so I could definitely see how three kids would increase your stress level. But the idea that four kids would take the stress of parenting down a notch – or two notches, apparently – seemed like a hoax concocted by clucky grandmothers everywhere to get young parents to keep popping out babies.
And then God or fate or karma went and had a good laugh at me and my disbelief. In 2015, I became a mother of three.
Three Kids Isn’t the Most Stressful Number for the Reason You Think
First, let’s get this out in the open: It seems more than a little ridiculous to attempt to compare the relative stress levels of different families based only on the number of kids. And why compare families at all? With that said, the parents in that silly survey just so happened to pick “three” more often than they picked other numbers of kids.
Since I became a mom of three, I’ve been wondering why that would be.
When you ask parents to describe the transition from two to three children, you’ll hear a lot of parents lament that they can no longer play “man-on-man defense” with the kids. This is a real, honest-to-goodness thing.
Because let’s say you’re at Target with your partner, and you have one kid running out the entrance into the parking lot, your toddler picking up a dime to put in her mouth, and another kid about to climb a six-foot display of mercury-tinted mason jars…quick! There’s two of you and three of them. Which two kids do you stop?
So yes, that’s challenging, for sure. But that doesn’t get my vote as the hardest part.
Then you have the minivan issue. If that’s something you’ve been trying to avoid, having three kids all but seals your fate. But no, that’s not the worst part either.
The part about transitioning from two to three kids that knocked me on my butt was the mental bookkeeping.
Let Me Explain
As a parent of more than one kid, you can deliver a pretty decent State of the Union on any one of your kids at any time. For example, think of one of your kids and tell me how many of these questions you can answer:
- When did she last eat? Is she in danger of turning hangry?
- Does she need a potty break?
- Does she have enough clean underwear to make it through the rest of the week?
- Did she have homework today? And did she get it done already?
- Has she had enough water to drink today?
- Did she sleep well last night?
- Does she have any boo-boos requiring a band-aid, Neosporin, and/or extra kisses?
- Did she brush her teeth this morning? Did anyone inspect to make sure she didn’t just swipe the toothbrush across her two front teeth, leaving gobs of bread and peanut butter in between all the other teeth?
We could go on all day. You’re always keeping tabs on your kids, whether you realize it or not.
Not to mention you’re keeping track of all this for yourself – although hopefully you’ve outgrown needing supervision on the tooth-brushing front. And so with two kids, you keep a running status report on yourself and two others.
Related: How to Stop Being an Angry Mom Now…Using 5 Hair Ties {Printable}
The Real Reason Going From Two Kids to Three Is the Hardest Transition
Sure, it’s just one more kid. But the mental bookkeeping for four total people can make your head swim.
The truth is that most people can hold only three – maybe four – things in their minds at once without forgetting things or feeling overwhelmed, or both.
My incredibly scientific theory (and by that I mean, not at all scientific) is that having a third child is the hardest transition because adding mental bookkeeping for a fourth person is like dropping an ice cube in a glass that’s already full to the brim.
Exhibit A
My two oldest kids had a dentist’s appointment this week, and this is the actual process I went through to get everyone ready to leave the house:
- Pack an extra change of clothes for your potty training toddler.
- Open the diaper bag to check for diapers and get distracted when you’re asked to…
- Help your oldest find her shoes, which entails opening the closet door for her.
- Fill your own water bottle, the two oldest’s water bottles, and the baby’s sippy cup.
- Look for your phone. Find the baby chewing on it.
- Rummage through the pantry for a squeezy pouch of baby food because it looks like she’s hungry.
- Change the baby’s diaper one last time before you leave.
- Convince the toddler to take a potty break.
- Realize you were too late, then hand her the extra change of clothes for her to put on.
- Turn the house upside down looking for your toddler’s missing shoe. When you can’t find it, tell her you’ll just carry her to and from the car. Pray that shoes are optional at the dentist’s office.
- Remind your oldest to brush her scraggly hair.
- Find another change of clothes for your toddler just in case.
- Pick the baby up and realize she needs yet another diaper change. Wonder how one tiny body can produce that much output.
- Finally get everyone in the car, where you’re relieved to find your toddler’s missing shoe but annoyed that you wasted 15 minutes looking for it in the house.
That’s life with three kids. Almost but not quite.
What life is really like as a family of three is…
- Get to the dentist’s office, unload all three kids, and throw the diaper bag on your shoulder.
- Enjoy five minutes of zoning out on How to Train Your Dragon as your toddler dismantles all the waiting room toys and your baby picks up 27 pieces of carpet fuzz to put in her mouth.
- Catch a pungent whiff as your baby waddles by and flip open the diaper bag to see that…
- You got distracted while stocking it, so it contains absolutely zero diapers.
And…
- Call your husband to rescue you from Poop-pocalpyse.
Why Having Four Kids Is Less Stressful
As far as I can tell, having four kids is less stressful because you realize early on that it’s just plain impossible to keep everything in your head at once – so you don’t even try.
If the theme of two kids is “Man-on-man defense” and three kids is “Death by mental bookkeeping,” the motto for parents of four kids or more is:
“Every man for himself.”
My friend Rachel has a theory that Type A moms (yep, that’s me) should have lots of kids in order to maintain their own sanity. Right now, three kids feels like “a lot” but maybe four would be the magic number?
Update: I can now report that as a mom of four, I am definitely more chill. That could be because the fourth kid forced me to embrace my inner Elsa and let most things go, or it could be because I’ve grown as a parent and a human and learned how to maintain my inner calm. My money’s on the latter, but who knows?
How to Find Happiness in the Chaos of Parenting
After my family welcomed our third little one into the mix, we became a family of five with a second-grader, a toddler, and a newborn. Even though I could have used more sleep and way more coffee, we were happy. Then my husband’s paternity leave ended, and I was at home with the kids all day. As time wore on, my patience became razor thin. And one day, I just broke.
The shame burns my cheeks just thinking of that day, even now. But thanks to that experience, I realized I had to make a change. I threw myself into researching how to find happiness in the chaos of parenting. Something beyond “make time for you” and “exercise more.” Because when you’re overwhelmed and at your breaking point, you don’t need the “experts” telling you more stuff to do on top of everything else.
That’s how I discovered the secrets: 10 secrets every parent should know about being happy. After hearing from hundreds of parents in the same boat as me, I knew I needed to share what I discovered. And so I wrote a book: Happy You, Happy Family.
Click here to get a free excerpt and start your journey towards finding more happiness as a parent.
Because the truth is that happiness won’t come from a big promotion at work, or from winning the lottery, or from your kids all learning to put their toys away when they’re done playing. Because eventually, you just get used to all that stuff.
True, lasting happiness comes from a conscious effort by you to put the right habits in place.
Want More?
If mental bookkeeping has you feeling overwhelmed, check out the hacks in The Secret Formula to Stop Feeling Overwhelmed.
Before you go, get my FREE cheat sheet: 75 Positive Phrases Every Child Needs to Hear
Your Turn
Do you think my tongue-in-cheek theory about three kids is spot on or bogus? Share in a comment below!
Good guess, but that’s not why 4 kids is less stressful. It’s because you’ve learned the art of delegation. With two, you can handle it… like you said, mental bookkeeping… even if your hubby is at work all day. With three, you get overwhelmed and need a lot of rescues from hubby, Grandma, that sweet lady in the grocery store who decided to help instead of judge. :)
With 4, or more, you have an OLDEST (hallalooya!) whom you can delegate some of the chores to. (i.e. “Oldest, will you help Toddler on the toilet while I change diaper? Oldest, will you help Toddler find his shoe?” — and Oldest thinks to look in the car… every time. “Oldest, will you get me 5 diapers for the diaper bag? Oldest, will you keep Toddler from dismantling the waiting room while I deal with Poop-pocalpyse?”)
Yes, Yes, YES!! My older two are 11 & 8 and my younger two are 5 and 11 months. The older two are tasked to help out and actually enjoy being helpful. I feels like a whole different world this time around than it did 5 years ago when my third child was born. Almost makes me want to give in to my husband’s desire for #5! :) –Melissa @loveinmotionweblog.com
Delegation only works if you don’t have the kids back to back. We’re having our third now, and by the rate we’re going we’ll have 4 under 4…. Sure the 4 year old can help with some things, but not much. :)
Yep, 3 kids…two mini vans, we’ve pretty much made peace with the J.O.Y. factor of it all. J- Jesus O-others Y-you. To all those young couples that want to wait to have kids or never do, it’s better to learn to serve others above your own self-guided desires. Makes for a better culture over all. “Date” nights come to mean a lot more too. Not much else to report.
As a mother of 4 I can tell you that 4 is not a magic number! Every child means more money! And there is nothing less stressful than money issues. A bigger house, a bigger car, (you can kiss that 4 cyl. goodbye) more electricity, more doctor appointments, more grocery shopping trips, MORE MORE MORE! I’m pretty sure if you were to ask us mothers of 4 or more they will call this article completely bogus.
I do actually find my 4 less stressful than when we just had 3.
Actually disagree. I have 4 and my 4th is nearly 4 months so yes I am busy. My older ones have sports practices etc etc that I didn’t have when they were younger but 4 feels more complete, even, and my older boys help . And I agree with this article, at 4 I’m more relaxed etc I felt like 3 was a awkward number
I agree that mental bookkeeping gets tough. I think stressfulness of handling kids depends on where you are mentally. My first two kids were extremely demanding and difficult as babies. My third was mellow yellow so the transition to three was easy. By the time number four came along, we just went with the flow. I would agree with other comments that having an older sibling that can help with childcare makes a huge difference. I think its about reaching a point where you realize that things are going to be left undone, appointments are going forgotten, and socks won’t match. Laugh and try to keep it together.
As a mom of 5, I can tell you that it gets a bit less stressful because the number of helpful hands increases by number 5. My 7 year old was capable of helping the little ones grab things or buckle up or take things to the car as I checked them off my mental list. Yes, 5 means more clutter, faster cluttering, but delegating jobs and rewards also can make it easier and worthwhile to share in taking care of family and home. It sounds great in theory, but does take lots of trying because with any number of children, aside from being a mind reader, we will have emergencies that will just happen. I have been very fortunate and blessed to have healthy children with healthy immune systems, but can you imagine the stomach flu ripping through a house of 7? Ew! Great post!
this entire thing cracked me up! :)
I’m laughing at Jen;s comment because I totally agree with having the older kids delegate. We always tease our oldest (of 4) that we had him first so he could do things for us; Even though he really doesn’t spend all day doing stuff for us (or his siblings), he does help, and that’s one extra person. Of course, he needs attention too so it’s not like it really balances out. I have to say that 3 to 4 was the hardest jump for me. It’s a LITTLE easier now that they are getting a little older (12, 9, 6, & 3) but it’s still tough. Now that we are out of the baby phase, the older kids have activities that we have to juggle. We are all in over our heads. LOL!
Space those babies out. Or that’s what we chose to do and we didn’t have our first until I was 34. I’m all of 6 days older than my husband. I just want to say hallelujah that we decided not to have kids until we were older. I think that helps a lot, too. Our oldest daughter is 10, who I had at 34. Our only son, and the middle, is 7 and we were 37 when he was born. Our baby, our second daughter, is 4 and was born only 6 days before my 40th. We didn’t even try for #2 until #1 was at least fairly potty trained during the day. And #3 we decided to try for to coincide with #1 starting Kindergarten. We were pretty certain we were going to have 3 from the very beginning of our relationship. We were very happy with 2, but something felt missing.
I want to say that we also weren’t at all afraid of being older parents, because my own parents had 2 sets of children several years apart and they were much more relaxed with the 2nd set. A lot of that was probably that they were a lot more accomplished parents, but both having very well-paying careers helped, too. We chose to become settled into careers before having children and my being a stay-at-home parent isn’t much of a financial issue now as it probably would have been in my 20s. I had my career. I got to travel. I got to have fun. And now at 44 I feel that I had a life and when #3 goes back to school, I can choose whether or not I even want to go back to work. I enjoy puttering in the garden in the summer and cooking dinner 6 nights a week for my family. I enjoy meeting up with friends and getting my nails done during the week or getting lunch or even volunteering at school. I enjoy my life and my introverted soul loves time to decompress now that all 3 are in school.
You won’t be around to help your kids with their children ?
Too old
Wow. My mom had me at 41, and I had my first at 31. She’s definitely still here… and helping with our kids. They love her. So….. strange comment. She might not get to see them get married, but she is here for their childhood.
Thanks for that. I had two back-to-back (less than 2 years apart–1 and almost 3 now) and it has been rough. I’d like to have a 3rd, but get nervous about being overwhelmed. I definitely, don’t want another less-than-two years situation. I don’t know how other moms do it.
Another thought on what helps, in general, is having a supportive husband. I’ve seen moms on Youtube and such with tons of kids and you see their husbands making breakfast, helping with the kids, and just generally being engaged with the family. Those of us with husbands who think they’re helping a ton when they show up to put one kid to bed have a rougher time with each addition.
I have four , three was mayhem, four was a piece of cake . Everything was in disarray from having three .So when four came I was not emotionally upset at all . I didn’t try to straighten out the house , did laundry when I could , didn’t worry about folding it , had a sock basket and the older siblings did help a lot. I was an only child and having four children was the joy of my life . Take one day at a time and who care if the child has two different sneakers on .