How to Connect With Your Partner: 7 Sweet + Simple Tricks for When You’re Busy or Tired
As parents, my husband and I spend our days taking turns dealing with the emotional tempests of a toddler, coaching the bigger kids to resolve their latest kerfuffle, and executing on a bedtime “routine” that involves the kids getting out of bed 72 billion times every night.
Not to mention the never-ending cycle of figuring out what to feed the kids, convincing them to sit down long enough to eat, and getting everything cleaned up before we have to start all over at the next meal.
In the midst of all that, we barely have time for a single uninterrupted grown-up conversation, let alone to make sure we stay connected as a couple. So it’s all too easy to lose sight of how lucky we are to have each other.
But I know we can’t let that happen. In our former lives, my husband and I have both been through divorce. We know the consequences of not making time to connect as a couple – and we’re fierce in our resolve to keep our relationship strong.
Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get a free cheat sheet of 60 simple ideas for how to connect with your partner right now.
The Problem With Date Nights
Unfortunately, my husband and I don’t do date nights very often. Because with no family in town, “date night” becomes synonymous with “hire a babysitter,” and that can get awfully expensive.
You can always do an at-home date night – even if it’s just trying out a new recipe or enjoying a movie after the kids go to bed.
But honestly?
We’re too tired.
After spending every day wrangling four kids and trying to keep up with the endless dishes and laundry and vacuuming, we consider it a success if we both manage to stay awake past 8:00 pm.
So how do you keep the spark alive without an official date night?
How to Connect With Your Partner: 7 Ways to Rekindle the Romance in 7 Minutes or Less
To keep our marriage strong, I decided to research the best science-backed hacks for how to connect with your partner – even when you’re tired and busy – and I compiled it into a list to share with you.
The best part? Every idea in this list will take you 7 minutes or less.
1. Give It 6 Seconds
I’ve heard this advice from several happy couples, and it works for me and Ty too.
Hug and kiss every morning and every night. But make sure they’re long ones, especially the hug.
According to The Happiness Project†, you should hold a hug for at least six seconds to get the happy chemicals oxytocin and serotonin flowing. They’re good stuff because they boost your mood and promote bonding. Ever since we tried this hugging technique, I now fully support to the six-second advice.
When you get caught up in the day-to-day routine, it’s too easy to make it through a whole day (or more) without sharing that simple physical affection that keeps partners feeling close. Don’t skimp on this one.
2. Get Visual
If you’re feeling disconnected from your partner, look back through your photos on your phone to remind yourself of your favorite memories of being together – trips, holiday celebrations, those four hundred pictures you took the day you closed on your first house.
These are times when you felt most connected, and reliving those memories can help you rekindle that spark.
After you find a photo that makes you smile, text it to your partner.
3. Ask the Right Question
Research shows that couples who have engaging conversations every day – real uninterrupted grown-up conversations – are better able to handle the stress of parenting life and stay connected.
But when you’re tired, it’s hard to come up with ideas for what to talk about aside from what you need at the grocery store and who’s due for their annual well-check.
So I set out on a quest to find out which conversation topics for couples will make you feel closer, according to the latest research on happy relationships that stand the test of time. And over the course of several months, I compiled a collection of the 150 best conversation starters for couples. Not according to me, some random mom. But according to the experts who study successful and happy relationships.
My husband and I have been using these questions for couples throughout the last couple years, ever since our youngest was born. Anytime we want to connect quickly, we’ll grab a question and ask it. Instant connection, every time.
The questions force us to slow down, look each other in the eye, and really listen to each other.
Sure, sometimes we have to kick the kids outside or sneak away to the bedroom for a few minutes just to have a chance of being able to hear each other’s answers.
But that’s a small price to pay for keeping our relationship healthy and strong.
4. Check It At the Door
When I’m driving home after an appointment, my mind wanders back through my day and tends to get stuck on the things that didn’t go so well.
So when I walk in the door and see Ty, it feels natural to transition straight from a quick greeting to venting about my day.
But this doesn’t make for a good start to your evening together. From the book Wellbeing:
Emotions spread quickly from one person to the next. When you see a friend who is happy, this often causes you to smile, and as a result, you feel better. Or if you have a frustrating meeting late in the day, your emotional state is likely to transfer to your spouse when you get home. Because we tend to synchronize our moods with the people around us, our emotions influence one another throughout the day.
Before you walk in the door at the end of the day (or before your partner walks in the door), take five minutes to think about something good that happened to you. If nothing good happened to you, think of something you love about your partner so that’s on your mind when you see them.
Then after you get the evening off to a good start with a positive perspective for both of you, you can circle back and vent about the not-so-great stuff.
5. Do It With Words
Ty and I text each other constantly about how our day is going – How was your meeting this morning? What time are you heading home? Would it be bad to have pizza for dinner 5 nights in a row? But sometimes he’ll surprise me with a special message out of the blue. He tells me he misses me or that he can’t wait to see me, or just sends a simple “I love you.”
One day back when I had a corporate desk job, my cube neighbor and I were walking to a meeting when she got a text from her husband thanking her for everything she does for their family. Even though it was YEARS ago, I still remember the look on her face – an infectious mixture of surprise, joy, validation, and love. That text totally made her day.
Research shows that in strong, loving relationships that stand the test of time, the partners share more positive statements than critical ones. In fact, you need a ratio of at least five positive comments to every critical one.
If texts aren’t your thing, here are a few other ideas for sharing what you appreciate about your partner:
- Send a funny e-card.
- Stick a colorful Post-It Note somewhere they’re sure to see it, like on their nightstand, on their pillow, in their underwear drawer, next to their toothbrush, and so on.
- Write a message on the bathroom mirror with washable window markers.
- Write a letter, then leave it in their work bag or car to find later.
- Fill out a postcard and mail it to them.
6. Get Some New Material
Research by psychologist John Gottman has shown that sharing humor with your partner is one of the best ways you can strengthen your relationship.
Learn a new joke, find a funny news story online, or make a mental note to share something from your day that made you laugh. If you’re short on time for looking around, do what I do: check a funny person’s Twitter account for good one-liners. My faves:
- Abby Heugel @AbbyHasIssues
- James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn
- Ramblin Mama @ramblinma
- Simon Holland @simoncholland
- Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
7. Shhh
We’ve made a promise to each other. We always try to go to bed at the same time.
Sometimes it’s hard to drag myself away from a marathon binge of Brooklyn Nine Nine reruns, but I’m always glad after I do.
Because when you turn off the lights and climb into bed next to each other, magic happens.
With no distractions, your body and mind start to unwind from the day. You’ll remember something cute one of the kids said earlier in the day, whisper your hopes for tomorrow, fantasize about your next vacation. Or maybe you’ll both just take a deep breath and pass out from sheer exhaustion.
(By the way, if you thought I was talking about a different kind of “magic,” try going to bed naked. Ahem.)
Get Your Free Cheat Sheet
When you need ideas for how to connect with your partner even when you’re busy and tired, use this cheat sheet of 60 simple ways to reconnect.
- Get the free cheat sheet. Join my weekly-ish newsletter and as a bonus, you’ll get the printable! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
- Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal.
- Tuck your cheat sheet somewhere handy like your purse or wallet. Or if your spouse is in on it, hang it on your fridge. Then when you need an idea for connecting, pick a random idea and do it.
Here’s a sneak peek of your printable cheat sheet:
Download now: 150 Conversation Starters for Couples That Will Make You Feel Closer Than Ever
Your Turn
What’s your best advice for how to connect with your partner, even when you’re busy and tired? Share your tip in a comment below!
love it – what a great article! wishing you lovebirds the best, but it seems you do not need those wishes – you got this!
Lori – Thank you for your sweet comment. :-) You put a big smile on my face!
Your walk back to the car – so sweet! It’s truly the little things and the moments (sometimes even a few seconds, like the 6-second hug!) that count. My hubby and I have the BEST conversations in the car. Sometimes they only last for about 5 minutes, but even if the kids are in the car, it’s just me and him in the front, and we have each other’s attention (and watching the road, too, of course!). Love these tips! Thanks, Kelly!
Chris, thank you for that great reminder that those little moments we “steal” can be the best of all. I love getting that sweet little window into your relationship with your hubby – you two sound like you make a great team!
It’s true. Riding in the car forces us to talk. Sometimes we go on a drive just to be together. The kids relax in their seats and my husband drives so he won’t be distracted by his phone.
Love this so much!
~Jessica
Jessica, thank you! I’m glad you enjoyed it. It was fun to research!
My original comment that I was going to leave was long and rambling and made maybe 40% sense. I deleted all that because who has the time? All I want to say is that I just found this blog and I like it a lot. Thanks for sharing.
While we were dating, engaged, married, and expecting our first, my husband and I liked to go on evening walks around the neighborhood together. Sometimes it would just be for 15 minutes, and sometimes we’d go for over an hour. We would go different directions and explore in the fresh air. It meant a lot to me, and I felt like it kept our relationship strong.
As we got caught up with children and work, we stopped having our walks. I realized there was no good reason. We’ve tried it a couple times now. We put the kids in the stroller or wagon with some snacks and water and go for a long walk together. The kids are there, but they’re fairly mellow as they go for a fun ride. My husband and I can have a good time together. Then on the way back, the kids get out and walk, too. It’s great couple time and family time.
Also, make friends with neighbors who have kids. Spend time together, then after you get to know each other well, do a dating exchange. You watch their kids while they go on a date, then they watch yours while you go. It’s especially nice if you have siblings or old friends nearby who you already trust.
I’ve really enjoyed this article. Some things I do are:
1. Greet him at the door with a kiss. Better yet, meet him in the driveway!
2. Hold hands. Whenever you can.
3. Kiss him for 6 seconds. If you’ve got time for a hug, add this, too!
4. Find a hobby you can do together. We’ve done kayaking, video games, swimming, cooking, woodworking, exercising . . . hmm, there’s probably more, but that’s a good start!