The Most Powerful Way to Respond When Your Kid Gives Up

This summer for one of our family movie nights, we watched Akeelah and the Bee.

Our 6-year-old Abby ATE. IT. UP.

After the movie, she had a ton of questions.

“How old do you have to be to do a spelling bee?”

And: “Do they have spelling bees where we live?”

And: “What do you win if you win a spelling bee?”

She must have been weighing her options because the next day, she announced she wanted to do spelling bees, too.

As we ran errands around town, I quizzed her on a few words.

We had fun with it, but after a couple days I forgot and so did she.

And then she started first grade.

Download: Get these fun coloring posters for your child to teach them the power of hard work and sticking with a problem.

A New Challenge

Every Friday, Abby gets a list of spelling words from her teacher. Ten main spelling words with five challenge words for extra credit.

The next Friday, they have a spelling test covering those words.

Spelling was one of my favorite subjects in grade school, so when I saw the spelling sheet in Abby’s backpack I couldn’t help but smile.

The first week, we practiced every day. In the car, at the dinner table, while she colored with her baby sister.

There were no challenge words that very first week, and Abby already knew how to spell all the regular words.

She rocked the first test and got all 10 right.

But her next week with us when we got home on that first Monday together, I went through her backpack and didn’t see a spelling sheet.

“Abby,” I called. “Where are your spelling words?”

She was in the living room soaking up some baby sister time that she’d missed for a week. “I don’t know. I don’t think we’re having a test this week.”

“Huh,” I said. And I moved on.

Plans change, so I didn’t think much of it.

Related: Here’s the Secret Phrase to Turn Your Kid Into an Amazing Student {Printable}

Photo by theilr

My Little Perfectionist

That Friday, I met Abby for lunch like usual.

Lately, we’ve been going outside in front of the school and sitting on a rock to eat and enjoy the Fall weather.

As we walked outside, I asked, “How’s your day going?”

She hung her head. “Fine.”

We sat down on our normal rock. “What’s wrong?”

She looked up at me, her eyes rimmed in red. “We had a spelling test today.”

Oh, no, I thought. My heart fell to my stomach. I didn’t help her practice. I should have asked more questions!

“How did you do?” I asked.

Her head dropped again, and her voice was just above a whisper. “I got a 70.”

“Oh, honey.” I rubbed her back. “I thought you didn’t have a test this week?”

“I didn’t think I did.”

“Well, where was the list of spelling words for this week?”

Her mouth turned down. She was holding it together, but just barely. And probably only because we were standing in front of school.

“I think I forgot them at my dad’s house.”

I pulled her into a hug.

After she calmed down, we came up with a plan to prevent it in the future. Every time she had her spelling sheet in her hands, the only place she could put it down is directly in her backpack. No setting it on the counter, no leaving it in the backseat of the car. Put it straight back in the backpack.

And that solved our problem. Kind of.

The Thing About My Girl

We haven’t had any misplaced spelling sheets since then.

Abby’s teacher actually offered to put two copies of the spelling sheet in Abby’s backpack every week – one for each house. Which is super sweet and understanding.

But here’s our new issue.

Every week, we get a new list with new words.

When we first start practicing each list, Abby doesn’t know most – if any – of the words.

But this child?

She HATES making mistakes.

No idea where she picked that up.

So we can’t even get through all the words that first time without her getting frustrated. And then my big kid gives up.

And seeing her give up when it’s hard gets ME frustrated.

We feed off each other’s negative emotions, and it isn’t a pretty sight.

Photo by theilr

Here’s What Worked

On our last week together, I changed my approach. After re-reading my post on why it doesn’t help to tell your kid she’s smart plus all the extra tips I found in my research for that post, I was ready.

I’d just picked her up from school, and we were at a coffee shop, splitting a piece of pumpkin bread.

“Abby, how about we practice your spelling words?”

“Okay.” She pointed at the pumpkin bread. “Is this the only snack we’re getting?”

“Yes, silly,” I said. “We can’t fill up on baked goods before dinner.”

She took a huge bite.

“Let’s do something different with spelling words today,” I said. “I know you get frustrated when you make mistakes when you’re first learning the words. Every time you try to spell it but get it wrong, let’s high five.”

She narrowed her eyes at me. “Why?”

“Because mistakes mean you’re learning. They’re a good thing.”

“Well, what will we do when I get it right?” She took another huge bite of pumpkin bread.

“What do you want to do?” I asked.

She smiled. “Let’s do a double high-five and say ‘wahoo!’”

“Deal.” I held out my hand, and we shook on it. “Do you want to start with the regular words or the challenge words?”

Photo by Mark Dumont

She swallowed her last piece of pumpkin bread. “Challenge words.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Okay. Spell ’November.’”

She grinned. “That’s easy. N-O-V-E-M-B-E-R.”

I put up both hands for a double high-five. We both said “wahoo,” and she giggled and looked around the coffee shop to see if anyone had heard us.

“Can I have more pumpkin bread?” she asked.

“I already said no, silly girl,” I said. “Okay, spell ‘motion.’”

Abby bit her lip. “M-O-…” She paused. “I-O-N?”

I put up one hand and smiled big. “High-five, you’re learning! It’s M-O-T-I-O-N.”

She high-fived back but frowned.

“Hey, that’s a good thing. Getting it wrong a few times helps you learn it better.”

“Okay, give me another one.”

“Spell ‘science.’”

“These are hard!” she said.

“That means they’re a good workout for your brain. When we’re done practicing, your brain is going to be even bigger.”

We kept practicing, and every time she got it wrong I put a big smile on my face, held out my hand, and said “High-five, you’re learning!”

After a few times, she no longer frowned when she got it wrong.

She was actually smiling.

Related: One Powerful Word That Will Stop Negative Self-Talk in Kids {Printable}

Photo by Amanda Bowman

The Verdict

When we got through the whole list, I asked, “Well, how did that go? Did it help to high-five and celebrate mistakes?”

Abby grinned and nodded. “Yes.”

“Is there anything else that would have helped more?”

“Every time I get a word wrong, you could give me some more food.”

I laughed.

“What?” she said. “I’m always hungry.”

So I went and bought that girl another piece of pumpkin bread.

She deserved it.

Download now: 9 Best Mindset Posters That Will Inspire Your Child to Keep Trying

The Real Test

On Friday at lunch, we got set up outside on our normal rock.

“Well?” I asked. “How’d you do on your test?”

Abby smiled and looked at the ground. “I got a 105.”

“Whoa!”

She giggled.

“So you got all the regular words right, plus all the challenge words right?”

She nodded.

“Wait a second,” I said. “How did you do that? Were you just born magically knowing how to spell all those words?”

“No.” Still smiling.

“Tell me your secret. How’d you get a 105?”

She rolled her eyes. “Because I made mistakes and worked hard.”

Duh, Mom.

Print These Coloring Posters to Change Your Kid’s Mindset

I’ve tried countless parenting techniques to encourage a growth mindset in my kids – some of them total duds.

But I wish I’d created these special mindset posters much earlier because the results have been fast and impressive with my grade-schooler and my preschooler. (Even my toddler repeats the growth mindset mantras she hears from her older sisters!)

Thanks to these mindset posters, my kids have internalized powerful, positive mantras to remind them that hard work and sticking with a problem will help their brains grow – and will help them become the people they want to be. (Check out the science behind these growth mindset posters that makes them so powerful with kids.)

Download your own set of mindset posters here, and you’ll unlock your child’s true potential for working hard, not giving up, and learning from her mistakes.

Download now: 9 Best Mindset Posters That Will Inspire Your Child to Keep Trying

Your Turn

How does your kid handle making mistakes? Share your story in a comment below!

Hi, I'm Kelly. I'm a mom of four, a recovering perfectionist, and the author of Happy You, Happy Family. Parenting is hard enough without all the guilt we heap on top of ourselves. So let's stop trying to be perfect parents and just be real ones. Sound good? Join my mailing list and as a bonus, you'll get 25+ incredibly helpful cheat sheets that will ease your parenting struggles.