The Most Powerful Way to Respond When Your Kid Gives Up

Inside: If your kid gives up when things get hard, they might need to develop a growth mindset. Use this powerful trick to teach your child to keep trying.

This summer for one of our family movie nights, we watched Akeelah and the Bee.

Our 6-year-old ATE. IT. UP.

After the movie, she had a ton of questions.

“How old do you have to be to do a spelling bee?”

And: “Do they have spelling bees where we live?”

And: “What do you win if you win a spelling bee?”

She must have been weighing her options because the next day, she announced she wanted to do spelling bees, too.

As we ran errands around town, I quizzed her on a few words.

We had fun with it, but after a couple days I forgot and so did she.

And then she started first grade.

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A New Challenge

Every Friday, my daughter gets a list of spelling words from her teacher. Ten main spelling words with five challenge words for extra credit.

The next Friday, they have a spelling test covering those words.

Spelling was one of my favorite subjects in grade school, so when I saw the spelling sheet in her backpack I couldn’t help but smile.

The first week, we practiced every day. In the car, at the dinner table, while she colored with her baby sister.

There were no challenge words that very first week, and she already knew how to spell all the regular words.

She rocked the first test and got all 10 right.

Related: Here’s the Secret Phrase to Turn Your Kid Into an Amazing Student {Printable}

But Then the Real Test Came

Every week, she gets a new list with new words.

When we first start practicing each list, she doesn’t know most—if any—of the words.

But this child?

She HATES making mistakes.

So we can’t even get through all the words that first time without her getting frustrated. And then my big kid gives up.

And seeing her give up when it’s hard gets ME frustrated.

We feed off each other’s negative emotions, and it isn’t a pretty sight.

Here’s What Worked

Last week, I changed my approach. After re-reading this article on why it doesn’t help to tell your kid they’re smart plus all the extra tips I found in my research for that article, I was ready.

I’d just picked her up from school, and we were at a coffee shop, splitting a piece of pumpkin bread.

“How about we practice your spelling words?”

“Okay.” She pointed at the pumpkin bread. “Is this the only snack we’re getting?”

“Yes, silly,” I said. “We can’t fill up on baked goods before dinner.”

She took a huge bite.

“Let’s do something different with spelling words today,” I said. “I know you get frustrated when you make mistakes when you’re first learning the words. Every time you try to spell it but get it wrong, let’s high five.”

She narrowed her eyes at me. “Why?”

“Because mistakes mean you’re learning. They’re a good thing.”

“Well, what will we do when I get it right?” She took another huge bite of pumpkin bread.

“What do you want to do?” I asked.

She smiled. “Let’s do a double high-five and say ‘wahoo!’”

“Deal.” I held out my hand, and we shook on it. “Do you want to start with the regular words or the challenge words?”

She swallowed her last piece of pumpkin bread. “Challenge words.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Okay. Spell ’November.’”

She grinned. “That’s easy. N-O-V-E-M-B-E-R.”

I put up both hands for a double high-five. We both said “wahoo,” and she giggled and looked around the coffee shop to see if anyone had heard us.

“Can I have more pumpkin bread?” she asked.

I shook my head and smiled. “Again, no,” I said. “Okay, spell ‘motion.’”

She bit her lip. “M-O-…” She paused. “I-O-N?”

“Close! It’s M-O-T-I-O-N.” I put up a hand and smiled big. “High-five, you’re learning!”

She high-fived back but frowned.

“Hey, that’s a good thing. Getting it wrong a few times helps you learn it better.”

“Okay, give me another one.”

“Spell ‘science.’”

“These are hard!” she said.

“That means they’re a good workout for your brain. When we’re done practicing, your brain is going to be even bigger.”

We kept practicing, and every time she got it wrong I put a big smile on my face, held out my hand, and said “High-five, you’re learning!” or “Your brain is bigger now!” or “Next time, it’ll be easier.”

After a few times, she no longer frowned when she got it wrong.

She was actually smiling.

Related: One Powerful Word That Will Stop Negative Self-Talk in Kids {Printable}

The Verdict

When we got through the whole list, I asked, “Well, how did that go? Did it feel better to high-five and celebrate mistakes?”

She grinned and nodded. “Yes.”

“Is there anything else that would have helped more?”

“Every time I get a word wrong, you could give me some more food.”

I laughed.

“What?” she said. “I’m always hungry.”

So I went and bought that girl another piece of pumpkin bread.

She deserved it.

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Why You Need to Celebrate Your Child’s Mistakes

If your child tends to give up after they make a mistake or when they’re learning something new, they might be stuck in what researchers call a fixed mindset.

Children who have a fixed mindset believe that you’re as smart as you’ll ever be. You can’t change how smart you are, no matter how hard you try. And you can’t change your personality or how creative you are.

But children with a growth mindset believe that if you work hard, you can become smarter. These kids thrive on challenge. And this is important because more than 20 years of research shows that the key to success in school and life is having a growth mindset. In other words, if you believe that trying hard will make you smarter, it will.

If you want to help shift your child’s mindset and inspire them to keep trying, even when it’s hard, one of the best steps you can take is to start celebrating your child’s mistakes. Here’s why:

“Students turn to cheating because they haven’t developed a strategy for handling failure. The problem is compounded when a parent ignores a child’s failures and insists he’ll do better next time. Michigan scholar Jennifer Crocker studies this exact scenario and explains that the child may come to believe failure is something so terrible, the family can’t acknowledge its existence. A child deprived of the opportunity to discuss mistakes can’t learn from them.”

What does it look like to celebrate your child’s mistakes? Here are a few examples:

• When your child makes a mistake, pay attention to your reaction, including your facial expression, tone of voice, and the words you say. If it’s not appropriate to use a celebratory tone, try to at least stay neutral. For example, suppose your child is pouring milk into a cereal bowl and misses, spilling milk all over the kitchen counter. My knee-jerk reaction might be to exclaim the child’s name and say something like, “You need to pay more attention to what you’re doing!” But since learning about growth mindset, I’ve practiced adopting a neutral or even upbeat tone in that situation:
  • Now, I might say, “Aw, biscuits. The rags are under the sink if you need one.” I keep my tone neutral and my facial expression open to communicate that the mistake isn’t a big deal.
  • Or if I’m having a great parenting day and feeling tapped into my playful side, I might act startled and say, “Whoa! Did you see that giant yeti that just barged through here? He walked right over the counter and bumped into the milk jug! Let’s clean it up together.” By making light of the mishap, you send the message that mistakes happen, and they’re not the end of the world.
• At the dinner table, go around the table and ask everyone—including adults—to share a mistake from their day and what they learned from it.
• If your child is learning something new and getting incredibly frustrated, walk up to them and say, “I can see you’re trying hard. Your brain must be getting a good workout! Let’s go grab an ice cream to celebrate all that hard work.”

But Did That Actually Help Her Learn?

On Friday after her test, I gave her a hug and pulled back to search her face.

“Well?” I asked. “How’d you do on your spelling test?”

She smiled and looked at the ground. “I got a 105.”

“Whoa!”

She giggled.

“So you got all the regular words right, plus all the challenge words right?”

She nodded.

“Wait a second,” I said. I squinted. “How did you do that? Were you just born magically knowing how to spell all those words?”

“No.” Still smiling.