Too Much Stuff? This Is the Best Way to Request No Gifts This Year
My husband and I learned the hard way that when it comes to Christmas gifts for kids, more isn’t necessarily better.
A few years ago on our oldest child’s last Christmas as an only child, we wanted her to feel special. So we saved up extra that year, and we went a little overboard. A new American Girl doll, LEGOs, puzzles, board games for all ages, art supplies, the best picture books, clothes, movies, and on and on.
But on Christmas morning, about five presents in, the light went out of her eyes. She moved from one present to the next just for the sake of getting through the pile that was set before her, not because she was excited for the surprises.
Like a Christmas morning assembly line.
This Is What Happens When Kids Get Too Many Gifts
Our child couldn’t appreciate any single gift because she was absolutely and completely overwhelmed by the sheer volume of all the new stuff in front of her.
The experience made me realize that the more gifts you give a child, the less they will fully appreciate any single gift.
So I decided to research the issue, and what I found confirmed my experience on that Christmas morning. For example:
- Some research shows that when kids receive a large number of toys, they can’t play or learn well from the play experience. Whereas a smaller number of toys allows kids to fully engage in the play experience.
- One study found that having too many toys keeps kids stuck in the “exploring” phase of interacting with a toy and prevents them from truly playing with the toys. But it’s that “playing with” mode where learning and development happens for kids’ brains—not the “exploring” mode.
- Another study showed that when you remove all the toys from a playroom, kids engage in more imaginative play, their ability to focus and concentrate increases, and their communication skills grow leaps and bounds.
What’s a Parent to Do?
My husband and I want to raise kids who are grateful for what they have instead of adopting Dudley Dursley’s attitude of “it’s never enough.” So after that Christmas, we did some research and decided to follow the four-gift rule. For this tradition, each person in the family gets four gifts: something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read.
It’s catchy, easy to remember, and helpful for setting expectations with kids on what they might get from their running wish list that they’ve been adding to throughout the year.
We’ve been following that tradition ever since the wretched excess of that one Christmas, and the four-gift rule has transformed our family’s gift-giving and gift-receiving experience from one of overwhelm to one of gratitude.
But Here’s the Problem
Grandparents. Family friends. Cousins, aunts, uncles.
They all want to give the kids something.
You can make a pact within your immediate family to follow the four-gift rule or some other tradition for keeping gift-giving reasonable, but how do you get extended family and friends on board?
Because even if each loved one gets your child “just” one or two gifts each, that still adds up to a teetering tower of gifts, and you’re back to a Christmas morning that overwhelms your child instead of truly delighting them.
And yet, you don’t want your extended family and friends to feel you’re ungrateful for the gifts they want to give. So how do you politely request no Christmas gifts this year—without offending anyone?
How to Politely Request No Christmas Gifts This Year
I’m not the expert on this topic, but I have done a lot of reading about how to broach this subject with loved ones. Plus, I’ve picked the brain of nearly every parent I know about how they handle this tricky situation. (Thanks, wise Starbucks barista!)
In this post, I’ve gathered all the best ideas for how to politely request no Christmas gifts this year. Because we all know simply saying “no Christmas gifts please” won’t cut it.
Full disclosure: I’m personally guilty of not bringing this up for the longest time because I was worried about creating tension with extended family. But when my husband and I finally did ask my kids’ grandparents to skip Christmas gifts for our kids, they were excited about the idea because we used a couple of the sample conversations listed below.
If you haven’t already explicitly asked your loved ones to skip giving you and/or your kids traditional “stuff” holiday gifts this year, give it a try because you might be surprised.
But first, a few important caveats:
- Relationships between immediate family and extended family can vary widely, so every idea in this list may not work for you. Give the list a quick read-through and see what resonates because odds are, you’ll find at least one doable technique for requesting no Christmas gifts without offending your loved ones.
- You know your loved one best and whether a phone call, text, email, or in-person conversation would be most appropriate. However, this message works best delivered one-on-one instead of in a mass letter to your whole extended family.
- In general, it works best to suggest an alternative to a physical store-bought gift so your loved one still has a way to show you they’re thinking of you and your family. That’s why the example conversations below include alternatives for redirecting your loved one to a more meaningful gift.
- You may like a sentence from one sample conversation and another sentence from another sample, so feel free to Frankenstein together something that feels right to you. Also, many of these samples mention kids, so you’ll need to adjust that if you don’t have little ones at home.
- Be prepared for this to happen: You may ask, and they may still send gifts. The truth is that some people show their love through physical gifts. It may help reduce your frustration if you remind yourself that their heart was in the right place. And remember that you can always try again next year! Several people I talked to said it took two or three years of having these conversations before they sunk in.
Ready to politely request no Christmas gifts this year? Here are a few clever ideas for you…
1. Bring Up a Memory
If the loved one has asked what your kids want for Christmas, you could reply with:
“Thank you for thinking of us! You know, we just finished decluttering and getting rid of so many things the kids weren’t even playing with, so we’re trying to keep gifts to a minimum this year. One thing the kids loved—and still talk about even months afterward!—is that time when you xyz (insert example of a time when the loved one spent some quality time with the kids or gifted them an experience).
What would make them happiest is the gift of another memory like that with you. Something as simple as* a trip to the movie theater with you or going to the ice cream shop together would make their day! Or if you wanted to do something a little more out of the ordinary, tickets to a play or musical, or tickets to an amusement park would be something they’d love to do with you, too.”
* For a quarantine-friendly alternative, you could suggest that your loved one arrange to have a special treat delivered to your home, then make a video call right after the delivery to “share” the treat together. Or as another idea, you could set up a special video meeting so your loved one can do something special with you or your kids like play board games, host a trivia contest, or watch a movie together.
If the examples at the end don’t resonate, check out my epic list of all the best experience gift ideas, especially the “for everyone” section and the “for kids and families” section. Or you can jump straight to my list of 110+ experience gifts for kids.
Related: The Ultimate (Most Epic!) List of the Best Experience Gift Ideas and 110+ Experience Gifts for Kids That Will Make Your Child Happier and Cut Clutter
2. Tap Into the True Spirit of Giving
This one requires getting your kids on board first but would have the added benefit of teaching your kids to be grateful for what they have. Try this trick to politely request no Christmas gifts this year:
“This year, our family has been doing a lot of reflection on wants and needs because we’re trying to teach the kids to be grateful for their blessings. We’ve been learning about other people who don’t have even their basic needs covered like food to eat or a roof to sleep under, and the kids have decided they want to donate most of their Christmas gifts to others this year. They always appreciate your gifts every year, so I wanted to let you know what they’d decided for this year.
We’ll be donating their Christmas presents from extended family and friends to the local children’s shelter, or if you’d prefer you can make a donation in their name to xyz (insert name of charity). The kids have even set a goal for what they want to raise for charity, so they’ll be excited to get closer to that goal!”
Related: A Sweet Way to Guarantee Your Kid Has an Attitude of Gratitude {Printable}
3. Blame the Budget
If your reason for wanting to politely request no Christmas gifts this year is that you don’t have the budget to reciprocate and/or that you suspect your loved ones are on a fixed budget and are making sacrifices just to send you presents, try this:
“We always appreciate your Christmas gifts every year, but this year I need to let you know something that’s a little uncomfortable to talk about. We’re on a fixed budget this year, and we’ve even had to limit the gifts we give each other in our immediate family. We can’t send extended family physical gifts this year, so as our gift we’ll be writing personal letters to loved ones instead.
We’d love it if you could send a card or a letter instead of a physical gift this year because that would mean so much more to us! And if you can slip a photo of you and your family in with the card or letter, we’ve cleared a spot on our mantle for photos of our loved ones.”
4. Go Handmade
This one works well if you’re crafty or you like to bake. When your loved one asks what you’d like for Christmas, you could reply:
“I just came across this phrase that really stuck with me, so I shared it with our little family and they loved it too: Gifts from the heart, not a shopping cart. We did some brainstorming on what that would mean to give gifts from the heart, and the kids suggested baking their favorite cookies and sending them as gifts (or insert another baked good or a craft that would make a great gift).
This year, will you join us on this “gifts from the heart, not a shopping cart” mission? The kids would love to get a surprise in the mail that’s something handmade, even if it’s just a handwritten card from you!”
If you want more ideas on handmade gifts you could exchange, check out 30 Heartfelt Homemade Christmas Gifts Anyone Can Make.
Related: 30 Heartfelt Homemade Christmas Gifts Anyone Can Make
5. Invite Them to Help With a Special Project
This one could end up being a special gift for your whole extended family. After you receive everything, scan the pages and save as a PDF, then email that to everyone who contributed.
“Hey! We thought it would be fun to do something a little different for Christmas this year instead of exchanging physical store-bought gifts with extended family. The kids are really excited about this idea, so I’m hoping you can join in! This all started because we just cleared out several bags of clutter and donated them to Goodwill, and we got to talking about how gifts don’t need to be something from the store to be meaningful.
We want to put together a book about the whole family. We picked out a special scrapbook, and we’re hoping to get a photo from everyone in the extended family along with a handwritten note or letter that we can put in the scrapbook…nothing fancy for the note, just a favorite memory or a quick story or an update on how you are. That way, even if we’re not all together throughout the year, we can pick up this family book anytime and feel closer! After we get the book together, we’d love to scan the pages and create a digital version we can email out to everyone who contributed. Will you help us with this project by skipping physical gifts and sending a photo with a card or letter instead?”
Or similar to that idea, you could invite everyone in the family to send you their favorite recipe, then compile a collection of the most treasured family recipes and share that PDF with the whole family.
6. Channel Your Inner Librarian
If your family enjoys books, here’s another approach that could work if you want to politely request no Christmas gifts this year:
“This year, we feel blessed that our family has everything we need. So along with the kids, we’ve decided to shift most of our gift-giving budget to donations to others who need help this holiday season. We’re so proud of the kids for thinking of others! So we were wondering: Will you help us with a special project to surprise the kids a little?
It took a lot of maturity for them to make the decision to give to charity, so we want to honor their decision and not shower them in gifts anyway. But we would like to surprise them with something small, and they absolutely love to read. Would you be willing to forgo other gifts and instead send your favorite book you read as a child? I know it would be such a delight for the kids to have a little mini-library of their loved ones’ favorite childhood books that they can enjoy throughout the New Year.”
If your loved ones aren’t sure what books to get, you can point them to The Ultimate List of the Best Picture Books, Endorsed by Kids And Parents.
7. Ask for Keepsakes
This may touch the hearts of older family members especially. Here’s one more trick for how to politely request no Christmas gifts this year:
“We recently went through our closets to find unused items to donate to charity, and the experience gave us an idea for Christmas this year that we were hoping you could help with! While we were sorting through everything, the kids found a few of our old mementos from our childhood, like a school paper I wrote and some old photos of us as kids. And finding those keepsakes made their day! Their faces just lit up.
So we were hoping that instead of a store-bought gift this year, you could share a keepsake with us and the kids. I’m sure we all have things sitting in our closets or attics that wouldn’t see the light of day for many, many years otherwise! You could take a photo of the keepsake, or feel free to send the actual object. If you could include a short note to give the background story, that would be really fun too. These could be mementos from your childhood or from other family members’ pasts.
We’re hoping to give the kids a family treasury of keepsakes so we can pass along the oral history of our family, and even if you just send a short note with a written story, I know the kids would be absolutely delighted! Thank you for helping us make this family history project come to life.”
Your Turn
What’s the best way you’ve found to politely request no Christmas gifts this year? Share in a comment below!
About 10 years ago, we made the same change. After we lovingly buried the living room with gifts for our sons, we were embarrassed by the excess as we sat back and watched the mayhem unfold.
We said, “that’s it.”
The next year we began throwing all five boys’ names in a hat. Each brother picked a name out of the hat and was given a small budge. The rule was they were in charge of the gifts for that brother.
3 gifts only, hand picked by a brother for Christmas.
The boys were overjoyed. They out so much thought and effort each year to bless each other. It’s been incredible.
Only one year was a gift flop. One brother bought his older brother shoe polish. Lol. But even that has been a b,easing. One of those special inside joke family things…
We love the less I see mor tradition. But I will say, being an American out she a lot of guilt and pressure on parent. My husband and I struggled making the transition even though the kids never looked back.
We’ve discussed giving the children experiences rather than material items. For example, a pass to the zoo, ice skating rink, movie theater, etc. You can get creative with how to wrap them, so the kids still have something to open. We’ve also asked grandparents to put towards the kids college funds rather than so many gifts. Overall, it’s discussed every holiday and while some listen, it’s still a work in process.
We have asked for a month (or more) of ballet class, guitar lessons, karate class, or whatever other “monthly bill” things the kids were involved in, given with a small token like an ornamnet to wrap. It becomes a double gift – lessons/classes for kid, no payment for parents!
We have also requested family memberships to the zoo, museum, and state parks. All are great, year-long, memorable, family gifts that bless us all in lots of ways – and we can even use our memberships to take Grandma with us to the place she gets us the membership to!
Good grief. There are gifts of the heart. I made all my Christmas cards — yarn, glitter, pens, ribbons, etc. I made my annual Christmas cookies, jams, and ornaments. I had Christmas bags I filled with those items. Now, I’m starting on knitting of slippers for everyone for their bags next year. Giving is a wonderful behavior to teach — and learning to receive joyfully is also a wonderful behavior to teach. Don’t give up on giving. Change what is given to be from the heart and hands, rather than the retailer.
I definitely agree with your logic. Gifts are that. It’s something you want to give that person. I make quilts and love to make them . Not only that but it gives me joy to give them to whomever. It’s not the cost of something , which is what a lot of people feel it has to be. It could be a plate of their favorite cookies to share with others or a candle from dollar store because that person you are giving it to loves candles. It’s the thought and as you said, gifts of the heart.
Did you not read the article? That was an entire section. And the sentiment of the whole piece is about helping kids be both grateful and generous.
@sunshine Some gifts of the heart still clutter homes unnecessarily and that is what this article is about. How to try and avoid that. I think all points made here are excellent for trying to talk to loved ones about how we want to reduce material possessions in our home.
When my son was very small, I gave him one small present a day for twelve days. Sometimes he played with a little matchbox car all day! He really enjoyed that. It was much harder stopping the enormous flow of Christmas presents from relatives. That is still a problem, 30 years later.
I SO want to make this transition in our home. I think we could do it with our immediate family. However, every year we are overwhelmed with gifts from relatives. We have asked that they limit gifts or forego them altogether, but they don’t hold the same values about “stuff”. To them, more is more. They like to shop, enjoy spending money, and never ask what the kids want for Christmas. It’s always “just” one movie, one outfit, one more treat, one more toy. When you combine 2 sets of grandparents, gifts from 4 aunts/uncles, plus a handful of thoughtful friends that like to gift, it’s overwhelming. I know we are blessed to have people who love us and want to give us things, so we feel guilty complaining. But our house is TINY and there is nowhere to even store the mountain of gifts the kids receive every year.
I like the donating gifts from extended relatives idea. My kids may even go for it. I really don’t think there’s a way to get our particular set of relatives to stop the gifts, so sending them out the back door may be the only way.
We have the same problem Karin! I would love to make the transition, but I feel like it would be a tough sell with both the extended family and the kids!I wish I I had’ve taken control of the reins years ago!
I am stumbling on this a little late…it’s Christmas 2018! I am going to save this post for later. Your ideas are thoughtful and put the words right into my mouth. Thank you for sharing your ideas. I have been further inspired to do this next year!
This was a great list and I have already adapted number 5 and sent it to family. We don’t have kids yet, but i wanted to prevent that amount of ‘little bits’ that I received and subsequently sit in a drawer for the rest of the year. So I’ve directly all family members to making a ‘family memory book’ and asked for their photos and notes to be my stocking presents. Two birds, one stone.
I’ll also save this article for when we have kids and I can refer back to it.
We do the gift of experiences rather than things. It’s the gift that keeps on giving because it can be used throughout the year. Bowling, skating rink, paintball, hayrides, amusements, movies, etc.
And as ususal, there´s always an exception :-) My daughter received a lot of christmas presents last year (she was 9). So much, that I said to my husband: “I bet she will be overwhelmed, that is definitely too much!” Well, she cherished every single one, full of joy, everytime she unpacked a present. She also opened the presents one by one, exploring each one for a while before moving on to the next. Later on she said it was the best christmas ever. So I checked her love languages in a online test and receiving gifts was right up there with physical touch. So I guess it also depends on your child´s love language!
You make a really good point here! I’m going to do this test on my kids tonight. Thank you for the reminder that every person is different.
I ask for family stories that I can read or tell. Any story, just something that involves a family member. This way we get something really important to us, our family heritage through story and the family member gets to give something unique and real.
What wonderful ideas, Kelly! I’ll be sharing this article with a family member who has been trying to slow the gift train at her house.
Our kids have been asking grandparents and uncles and aunts for goats this year for a family in a third-world country. They are going to take the money they get as gifts and buy as many goats as they can. Plus the family members feel good about being a part of a good dead!
Another of our favorite ideas for family members who really want to give something is to have everyone go in on one larger item like a bicycle. It’s practical and the child can really enjoy the one gift.
I don’t have children yet, but I was one of those kids whose parents over gifted every single Christmas, birthday, Easter, etc. – every holiday! When I was in my mid-twenties, I began asking for less, and it offended my parents :\ Now that I’m 31, I’ve continued having this conversation with my parents, and although the gifts are still too many, they have greatly reduced over the years. This is the first year that my significant other will be spending the holidays with us, and my mom has said she would rather spend it just with me (i’m an only child) because she’s embarrassed by the number of gifts. Ugh! I reminded her that I don’t want for anything, and would really just enjoy spending the day playing games, but I was told I was ungrateful.
ANYWAYS, I have thought about the way to minimize gifts for my kids when that time comes, and I love this idea of 4 gifts. One way that I thought about requesting no gifts from family is to set up a 529 plan or an investment account for my children, and asking family to contribute to that.
How does Santa fit into this 4 gift rule? Only four from Mom and Dad and then some from Santa?
Sure! I think Santa would get them 1 or 2 gifts, and then maybe a family gift like a game or movie.
In our house santa only brings 1 gift and it is not wrapped which is why I put it under the tree right in front of the other gifts from me when the children are sleeping. And it’s not a expensive gift either it’s somthing simple like a fuzzy body pillow they had asked for or a sled. I keep it simple because I don’t want my children telling their friends all the gifts that “santa” got them because their friend may not be as lucky and I don’t want to ruin their Christmas spirit!!
In our house, Santa fills stockings – no big gifts. The stockings have mostly chocolate and other candy, stickers, nail polish, markers, Pokemon cards – stuff like that. =)
At our house, Santa fills stockings and everyone gets a book. Then, they get 3 gifts each. This year, they will get their stockings and a book from Santa and grandpa & grandma will give one nice gift each. They will also get $100 to spend on gifts such as goats, chickens or whatever they choose to 3rd world countries.
You inspired me to write and Dillustrate a book about our Xmas tree. Every year I try to tell my kids the stories behind our ornaments. Who gifted them, who made them and when. Photo books are so easy to make these days and it will be a great way to pass on the memories of our family tree.
What I have done for my grandkids is I send a gift certificate from kiva.org and they get to choose someone to donate the money to. Through that they learn that they can make a difference in others lives and because of them someone’s life is better.
I am retiring next year, and will NOT NEED anything. Nothing. Zip. Is there a letter/paragraph I could enclose in Christmas cards (I always send mine out on Nov 30th) asking that no gifts be sent and just send me a holiday card?
We are guilty grandparents. We have over gifted every year (one 5 y/o grandson, will never have more). Our kids have asked us to send no gifts this year, for any of them. We respect and understand. They are not materialistic and kiddo has enough toys for any dozen boys. At the same time, we are in the far north corner of the US and they are on the Gulf Coast. We cannot visit this year for Christmas, but would definitely like to find a way to share something with them. Suggestions?
I don’t have children of my own, but I have nieces and nephews whom I love so much. If my sister told me to never gift them anything, it would break my heart. I feel like I get to be a part of their lives, making something a little magical for them. Whether I’m gifting them an experience with their favorite aunt (ahem), or buying them something I know they’ve been dreaming about, well, I just want to be that little spark of magic in their lives. Enjoy it. Because someday it’ll end. Grandparents pass away, children grow up… so just relish every bit of clutter.
Great Ideas. For the grandparents and great-grandparents that my child sees frequently, I told them any toys they gift will stay at their house for him to play with when he visits. I much prefer this because it gives me control of what I have at my home. For more extended family, we do a secret Santa for all the children. Everyone gives 1 gift, and gets 1 gift. It works out great and I love it!